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Fourteen counts of kidnapping, fourteen counts of attempted murder, and that was only the beginning… Christina McLean was going to be in prison for a very long time.

When Christina and her twin brother Chris were born their parents felt they only had room in the budget for one child, so they picked Chris at random and gave Christina up to be adopted.

Over the years Christina found out about her family and what went down. Chris had become a big shot celebrity while she was forced to claw her way out of the hole they left her in.

She hated Chris more than anything, but killing him simply wouldn't be enough, she had to beat him at his own game. For that purpose she kidnapped fourteen of the contestants from his show, Total Drama, on Halloween and forced them to play a game where their lives were on the line. She did this all under the guise of Yin.

In order to win the campers had to fight their way through a haunted house on Halloween night, survive a series of lethal traps, rescue their friend John, and deduce Yin's identity from the cryptic clues that they were given. But even then Christina planned to kill them all and broadcast it live across the entire world.

Fortunately the campers came up with a plan and Christina ended up with a huge bullet hole in her leg. Despite this she felt pride in the fact that she had put on a show doing things Chris wasn't allowed to do on TD. In the end it was Courtney that deduced that Chris had a sister and ended up winning the million dollars.

Fortunately for Christina there is no death penalty in Canada, but she was going to be confined to cell for the foreseeable future, so she had decided to make herself comfortable.

"Hmm… I wonder how those nosey kids are doing…"

Christina had managed to obtain permission to have access to a laptop, but every key she typed was monitored, as was every move she made inside her cell.

"Looks like Justin isn't the only one doing advertisements now."

A lot had happened since Yin's game the previous Halloween. John, the first cancer survivor to win Total Drama, and Chris' personal favorite camper had started marketing his own cologne called "White Dragon". He appeared in the ad wearing the same costume he wore to hide his surgical scars, and he was accompanied by his fellow camper and girlfriend Courtney.

"I'm surprised her mother ever let's her out of her sight since I told the world about their big secret last Halloween. Why is she wearing that?"

John and Courtney weren't the only campers who had appeared in ads since Halloween. The campers Izzy, Bridgette, and Lindsay had all been appeared in an ad for three new soft drinks; all three of them were wearing nothing but body paint that reflected a different flavor. What they didn't tell you was that after the photo shoot Izzy's lover Owen, another fellow camper, came out wearing nothing but body paint as well. Women posing in body paint was becoming a lot more common these days, but the problem with men posing in body paint is that no matter how much you used you could still see their reproductive organs.

"I'm surprised he hasn't gotten her pregnant yet."

"I love what you've done with the place… Very Hannibal Lecter."

"I knew you were coming… I could smell you walking in the front door."

Christina turned around to face her brother.

"I didn't know you were allowed access to a computer."

"They know every key I type. I also have snipers pointing their guns at me whenever I'm let out for a little exercise."

"I'll bet the other inmates are very jealous of you…"

"I wouldn't know… I don't really see much of them."

"That's probably because a few months ago you sent seven of them to the infirmary with broken bones."

"You've never been locked up in a prison Chris… You wouldn't know the first thing about how to survive in here… It's much like the outside world… dog eat dog… only rougher."

"My dear sister… I could shoot the breeze with you all day, unfortunately for us both I am on a tight schedule."

Chris hadn't called Christina his sister until he saw the DNA test results.

"Well in that case let's get right to it… Why have you graced me with your presence today."

"To tell you that we are currently setting up for the next season of Total Drama."

"I see… Planning to outdo me?"

"Something like that…"

"I almost pity the campers. If you goal is to outdo me then they might actually die."

"You know very well the producers wouldn't allow that." said Chris "I plan on outdoing you without doing something that'll make me spend the rest of my life behind a thick layer of glass."

"Well good luck doing that… you'll need it."

"We shall see."

Christina wondered who would be insane enough to spend another season on Total Drama after what they'd already been through, especially the events that happened last Halloween.

"Well… I guess it's true what they say. Pay a person enough and they'll walk barefoot into hell. I wonder what crazy theme Chris has come up with for the season, not that it matters. It'll never be as good as what I did… Then again I didn't get where I am by gambling."

The only problem was that Christina couldn't leave her cell. The only time she was let out was to get some exercise, and even then she was under constant surveillance.

"Like that'll stop me…"

"Johnny… oh Johnny boy…"

John Swarner, the first cancer survivor to win Total Drama, found himself on the same beach where months ago he and his girlfriend had posed for the ad for his cologne. For some reason Courtney was wearing the same white halter top and gold panties she had worn for the photo shoot.

"Don't you think now would be a good time to work on our tans?"

"I uh… I didn't bring my trunks."

"That's okay… you won't need them."

"Holy mother of!"

John woke up in his hotel room.

"Just another dream…"

When John first met Courtney on Total Drama Shipwreck it wasn't love at first sight. Not only did John prefer women that had longer hair, but Courtney was one of the people who complained the most when the campers thought they were stranded on a desert island in the middle of nowhere. After weeks on the island Courtney finally snapped. John had to punch her in the face, show her his terrible scars, and yell at her to show her that her life could be a hell of a lot worse. For a while Courtney couldn't even look at John without wincing.

During their second season together, Total Drama Halo, John and Courtney eventually ended up on the same team. Since Courtney had very few allies in the game, and since everyone liked John, she decided to befriend him. At first she was just using him to get further in the game, but as time progressed they really got to know each other, she even gave John his first kiss. Both John and Courtney made it to the final challenge along with Gwen and Cody. Despite her best efforts Courtney only came in second. When she broke down John was the only one who came to comfort her. Since then they officially became a couple.

For coming in second Courtney won an all-expenses paid vacation for two to wherever in the world she wanted to go. Naturally she chose John to accompany her, and the two spent their vacation in the Caribbean. One night when they were alone she actually offered to have sex with him, going as far as to show him her breasts, but being the devout Christian that he was, John politely refused her.

Even before then John had been having dreams like the one he had last night. But he was surprised at how far Courtney wanted to go. She was a well-kept girl who wanted to become a lawyer. And yet he was the one who had to remind her of her ambitions when she started taking it off.

"If either of us were to go wild you'd think it would have been me… I guess she just wanted to make sure that our relationship doesn't go as bad as her last one."

That was also most likely the reason Courtney had grown her hair out after Total Drama Halo. She and John kept the incident in the Caribbean a secret, until they were kidnapped the night before Halloween and Chris' evil twin sister blabbed it to the entire world.

"My mother told me how proud she was that I didn't give in to my hormones… But Courtney's mother was another story."

After last Halloween John and Courtney were lucky if they could get one moment alone together. But that wasn't the reason Courtney wasn't going to be participating in the next season of Total Drama, it was because after she won the million dollars for playing Christina's game on Halloween she had officially had enough. The main reason John was returning because he had become a huge role model for cancer patients.

"Besides… you can never have too much money."

John quickly showered, ate his breakfast, and got dressed. That's when he received a call from his little sister Angela.

"It's almost time for the game to start!"

"And I am ready."

"Knock 'em dead Johnny!"

John had just finished packing his bag when he heard a knock at the door.

"Housekeeping!"

John recognized the voice. He threw open the door and Courtney threw herself into his arms and kissed him.

"I thought you were going to sit this one out."

"I had to see you off. You know how bad things get when Chris is your dictator."

"You let me worry about Chris. You worry about that application of yours."

"Don't forget, I'll be watching you…"

John took off his glove to show her his purity ring.

"You don't have a thing to worry about."

Meanwhile, in another hotel not far from where John had been staying, Total Drama Halo champion Cody was making sure the privacy of his room hadn't been broken in the night. Ever since he won TDH Sierra hadn't left him alone. He figured it would only be a matter of time before she took things too far. For that reason he had bought a chastity belt for himself. Unfortunately his belt became public knowledge when Chris' sister kidnapped him last Halloween and told the world. Since Sierra wasn't able to find the key she made repeated attempts to pick the lock while he was sleeping, prompting him to switch to a combination lock.

"A five digit combination with ten different numbers to choose from for each digit. The list of possible combinations might as well be infinite."

But that hadn't stopped Sierra from trying. Cody had lost track of how many times he had to change the locks to his room at home. He even had bars put on his window. The problem with Sierra was how fast she wanted things to go. It took the help of Cody's good friend John to point out that Sierra's imagined marriage to Cody wasn't valid. But this only prompted her to find another way to bind Cody to her, hence the belt.

Cody made sure that the doors were locked and that there was no one else in the room with him before he went to take a shower. That's when he noticed that the digits on the lock weren't as he left them before he went to sleep.

"I have a feeling this is going to be a very long season."

As Cody showered he tried to think of a way to get Sierra out his hair. He couldn't imagine how embarrassing it would be if someone caught her messing with his belt on camera. It took a little while, but then he got an idea.

"I… am a genius."

Some of the campers were having a little trouble getting out of bed this morning. A million dollars was a million dollars, but on Total Drama it was never easy getting there. But sometime before the season started, Gwen had gotten a strange sense of confidence.

"Looks like someone got up on the right side of the bed." said Duncan.

"If you count that incident last Halloween, then this is my seventh season. Lucky number seven! I've been in fourth place once and second place twice. Maybe this time my ship will come in."

"Well, without Courtney we know it'll be a lot quieter… I'd hate to be in John's position."

"Because since everyone knows how good he is, odds are he'll get an early elimination?"

"No, because his girlfriend will be watching him on TV. If he does one thing she doesn't like there will be hell to pay."

"John isn't you… no offense." said Gwen smiling.

"None taken. So what's your plan?"

"If I had one I wouldn't tell you."

"Why?"

"Because we don't know how the teams will be set up."

"Touché."

During Total Drama Halo Izzy and Owen were able to keep it together despite being on different teams. Surely Gwen and Duncan could do the same if it came to that.

"If we end up on different teams don't expect me to take a dive for you." said Duncan.

"Never crossed my mind."

Gwen and Duncan finally reached their destination. The game wasn't due to start for at least an hour, so Gwen wanted to enjoy one final cup of coffee.

"To Chris Mclean…" she said toasting Duncan's cup "Let's tango!"

One by one the campers began to arrive at the designated spot. Unsurprisingly Sierra was there first.

"John! Quick question, the fans are dying to know. When you and Courtney did that photo shoot, why did she dress in a white halter top and gold underwear?"

"The photographer said it looked sexy, and I agreed with them."

"Are the rumors true?"

"What rumors?"

"That you've been seen wearing an engagement ring."

John laughed.

"No… This is a purity ring."

"Do you ever plan on giving her one?"

John was glad he was wearing his mask, because he didn't want anyone to see how red his face had turned.

"Not to be rude, but that officially falls under the category of none of your business."

"Sorry, but I just had to ask."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Come on, those two have the big M written all over them. What's stopping him? Is he afraid of commitment?"

John's arrival was quickly followed by Izzy and Owen.

"So guy's what have you been up to, besides posing in body paint?"

"I'm glad you asked. Together Big-O and I were able to create this… The fart launcher!"

"Fart launcher?"

"Instead of grenades, it launches a stink bomb filled with the gases you'd normally find in a flatus."

Izzy launched one round in a random direction, and everyone immediately covered their noses.

"I'll buy two of those right now." said Duncan.

Confessional Car: Owen

"Izzy and I have a lot of fun, but we also need to be able to make ends meet. That's why I'm going to win this season!"

Some of the campers were hoping that Heather and Alejandro had given up after what happened last Halloween, but sure enough they arrived with all the others.

"Well… look what the cat dragged in." said Tyler.

"I thought you guys had already had enough pain."

"NEVER!" said Heather "If McLean can dish it out we can take it."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"She needs to get laid, big time."

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"Until recently Heather and I have been at each other's throats. But we quickly realized that going it alone has gotten us nowhere. This season we're going to work together to bring these other losers down."

"Speaking of which, where is our insane host with the most?"

"We've still got a few more campers to wait for… then we can worry about Chris."

After about another fifteen minutes Cody finally arrived on the scene.

"There he is! My precious King of the Canyon! I've missed you so much!" said Sierra.

"You mean since you somehow broke into my room last night?"

"Excuse me?"

"Don't play innocent… The dials weren't in the order I left them in last night."

"What are they talking about?" asked Lindsay.

"Cody has a combination lock on his belt." said Gwen "It's all over Sierra's blog."

"Well… maybe we wouldn't have this problem if you'd just give me the combination…"

"You also wouldn't have this problem if you weren't an insane stalker." thought Alejandro.

"Okay, I'll make you a deal…"

"WHAT?" exclaimed the others.

"If you can get me to say, spell, or otherwise reveal my full name backwards twice in a row before the season is over, or before one of us is eliminated, then I'll give you the combination."

"Sounds like I got here just in time."

Chris seemed to appear out of nowhere.

"Where the hell did you come from?" asked Duncan.

"I'm like Superman; I know when I'm needed. So our TDH champion is ready to give it up?"

"I didn't say that. All I said is if Sierra can get me to reveal my full name backwards twice in a row, I'll give her the combination. But if she can't do it before the season is over, or until one of us is eliminated, she has to agree to stop violating my privacy the way she does."

Sierra took a minute to consider the situation.

"You're on!"

"Okay, let's seal it in ink so it's official." said Chris "Someone write this down. If Sierra is unable to get Cody to say, spell, or otherwise reveal his full name backwards twice in a row before the end of the season, or either player's elimination, then she agrees to respect his privacy. But if she succeeds then Cody agrees to give her the combination to his lock, under pain of death."

"Whoa… Dying sounds a little extreme." said John.

"Instant elimination then?"

"Okay, that sounds fair?"

"And just so we're clear, I have to be conscious or otherwise awake when she does it. Using any part of my body to write it while I'm asleep doesn't count."

"Darn it…"

"And since it has to be twice in a row I can say, nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc, all I want; as long as I break each, nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc, up."

Confessional Car: Cody

"I got the idea from an episode of Superman: The Animated Series."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Wait… What are they trying to spell again?"

Confessional Car: Justin

"Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc? I can't even pronounce that!"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"At first I thought Cody had lost it, but then I realized… nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc? I can't think of a single way even someone like Sierra could trick him into saying or spelling that, let alone twice in a row. I'm a little bit impressed."

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"So… Sierra knows more about the other campers than anyone else. And whoever can help her bag Cody can bend her to their will."

"Okay, now that that's all taken care of, it's time for the next season of Total Drama to begin!" exclaimed Chris.

"Wait a minute… Alejandro… Beth… Bridgette… Cody-wody… DJ… Duncan… Ezekiel… Geoff… Gwen… Harold… Heather… Izzy… John… Justin… Leshawna… Lindsay… Owen… me… Tyler… That's only nineteen of us. Where's camper number twenty?"

"Excellent question… As you know I like to try and keep things fresh here on Total Drama… Which is why this season we'll be adding another new camper to your ranks."

"Let me guess, another cancer survivor?" said Heather.

"Even better… But before I let you meet her I'm going to have to ask you not to stare. And if you say vampire or ghost it might be the last thing you ever do."

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"Oh boy… this can't be good."

"She's an aspiring computer programmer from Tennessee; ladies and gentlemen… meet Sarah."

Chris had told the campers not to stare, but that was proving very difficult. Sarah had long white hair that went all the way down to her waist, her skin even paler than Gwen's, and she had fiery red eyes.

Confessional Car: Heather

"An albino!"

Confessional Car: Leshawna

"Everyone else is thinking it, I'm just saying it… That is the whitest girl I've ever seen."

Confessional Car: Ezekiel

"Duuuuude… She's fuckin hot!"

DJ was the first to notice that Sarah wasn't alone.

"You have a cat?"

The cat that Sarah was holding in her arms had eyes that were as red as her own.

"Yes… Her name is Pearl… And if you lay a finger on her I'll rip your arms off."

Confessional Car: DJ

"I'm scared…"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Oh great… another Eva."

Confessional Car: Geoff

"Wait… since when are we allowed to bring our pets onto the show?"

Confessional Car: Chris

"She wouldn't go without it. Since you know how much I love ratings I figured I could let it slide."

"Well… now that we're all here it's time to get the ball rolling."

"Okay, what's the theme for this season?"

"Well… As everyone knows the United States presidential elections are to take place this November."

Confessional Car: John

"May God have mercy on us all."

"Before the Americans start killing each other over who their next leader will be, the producers and I thought we could help ease the tension by taking time to remind them of all the things that made their country so great. And since the only way to really see America is by train, we will be spending the season riding across the United States in this, the G-1000!"

Chef came driving up nearby train tracks in a train that looked like it was from the future.

"Yes the G-1000, the train that will revolutionize the way we travel!"

"AND BRING ORDER TO THE WORLD! Whoops… sorry I got a little carried away." said Chef.

"What's the G stand for?"

"Green… We know how important the environment is for some people, which is why this train runs completely on green energy. Unfortunately it took even the smartest scientific big shots in the world one thousand tries to get it right. It's so cutting edge we're not even sure how it works. Come on, I'll give you the tour"

The inside of the G-1000 looked like something out of a sci-fi movie.

"Where do you keep getting all this stuff?" asked Harold.

"I have some friends in high places who really love my show."

"Hello, and welcome to the G-1000. We hope you enjoy your stay."

"Cassandra? Is that you?"

"Hello Cody, it is good to see you again."

Cassandra was the A.I. unit that had helped Cody to victory during Total Drama Halo; after the season was over she was returned to the U.N.

"What are you doing here?" asked Beth.

"This is the G-1000's maiden voyage, and it is a very expensive train. I've been assigned by the U.N. to make sure it survives the season. As long as I'm in the train's system you don't have a thing to worry about."

"This room is the first class car, where the lucky campers who win our challenges will get to spend the night. It has all the comforts of home. Minibars, queen size beds, HDTV, DVDs, Blu-rays, Xbox 360, PS3, Wii, etcetera."

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"I think I'm gonna like this season…"

The next car Chris led them to had about a dozen capsule looking things lined up along the wall. Each one was roughly six by six feet.

"What the heck is this? The morgue?" asked Sarah.

"No, this is the economy car where the unfortunate campers who fail to win the challenges will stay the night."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"He's got to be kidding!"

"You expect us to sleep in these things?" said Leshawna looking inside one of them.

"I know it doesn't look like much, but our interns tested them out. Each one is as cozy as a coffin."

"It ain't much bigger than a coffin." said Duncan.

"I don't think I'll be able to fit in any of these…"

"Don't worry Owen, we have a king-sized one just for you."

After showing the campers the storage cars, the dining car, and the confessional, and the showers, he brought them to the caboose.

"And this is where we'll have our elimination ceremony."

The caboose was really huge. It was filled with a lot of different American symbols. On one side Chris's podium there was a life size statue of Lady Liberty and opposite her was Lady Justice.

"Uh Chris… who's that?"

Sitting in the corner was an old man with a long beard wearing a Cubs hat, an old gray jacket, old torn up blue jeans, and a shirt that looked like it belonged to Captain America. He was also wearing big black glasses and had a Purple Heart medal on his jacket.

"That's just George, the hobo that lives in here. Hey George, wake up and say hello!"

"Huh… what? Morning folks…"

"George, they're over there."

"Chris… you know I can't see…"

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"First albinos, now blind hobos… This just keeps getting better and better."

Confessional Car: Chris

"At first we were going to boot him out, but then I figured this season could still use a little color."

"Hey, have any of you seen Abe? Abe!"

"Who's Abe?" asked Justin.

"No idea." replied Chris "Then again I don't understand half of the other things he says, that guy's not quite right in the head."

Confessional Car: John

"I'm one of the only two people on this train who's actually an American. They might keep me around until the merge… but after that I'm going to be in big trouble."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I'm ready for anything, except those ridiculously small economy accommodations."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Bring it!"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"I'm gonna win this game, and then I'm gonna go WILD!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"I'll be brief… more than half these bozos don't stand a chance."

Confessional Car: Ezekiel

"She's fuckin hot…"

Confessional Car: Justin

"Alright brain, it's you and me against nineteen other people. Let's get it right this time!"

Confessional Car: Owen

"For Izzy!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"There's no way Sierra can pull this off."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Hmm…Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc…"

Confessional Car: Heather

"Who picks the people?"

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"They're all going down."

As soon as everyone was situated aboard the train, it pulled out of the station and took off.

"Here we go!"

"We hope you enjoy your trip." said Cassandra.

"What will our first challenge be? Who will be the first camper to get the boot? Will Sierra be able to get Cody to reveal his name backwards twice in a row? Find out the answers to some of these questions next time on Total… Drama… American Tour!"

"Let me get this straight… She has to get him to say or spell his full name backwards twice in a row to get him to unlock his chastity belt?" asked Chef.

"I know it sounds tough, but I'll bet you a hundred dollars she finds a way before the day is out."

"You're on."

"Boy's I hate to interrupt this conversation, but there's a car stuck on the tracks ahead." said Cassandra.

"HIT THE BREAKS!"

All the campers were thrown out of their seats as the train came to a sudden halt.

"Due to circumstances beyond our control, there is going be a slight pause in our journey. We apologize for the inconvenience." said Cassandra over the speakers.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Well… at least this season we're keeping our feet on the ground."

The campers hadn't been told how the teams were going to be split up just yet, so they mostly kept to themselves. But Ezekiel couldn't stop staring at Sarah.

"Just so you know… I'm about five minutes away from ripping your eyes out and feeding them to my cat."

"Yes ma'am…"

"Meow…"

Confessional Car: Ezekiel

"I'm in love!"

"Sarah… I was wondering if I could have a quick word?" asked Sierra.

"Concerning…"

"Well… What's your story?"

"My story? Well it goes like this… I'm the sole survivor of an alien race whose planet was destroyed and came to earth in a spaceship built by my parents. When I was six years old the humans who adopted me were gunned down in a dark alley by a mugger. Years later I became the first person to pass the Kobayashi Maru, shortly after which I was possessed by an alien costume that had previously been worn by Spider-Man, which convinced me to turn to the dark side of the force."

"Really? You're an alien?"

"Lindsay, Sarah was trying to be funny." said Beth.

"I don't mean to micromanage here… but can I please have a serious answer?"

"Don't you have to trick your boyfriend into saying his name backwards?"

"Oh right! Thanks for reminding me!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"I can't believe how stupid some of these people are. The one girl takes dumb blonde to a whole new level, a stalker who's probably going to get arrested for sexual harassment or rape someday, a big guy who's afraid of his own shadow, the son of Satan and his bride to be, the red haired stripper and her cookie dough best friend, the country kid who's the end result generations of interbreeding, and then some. They might as well give me the suitcase full of money right now."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"I can tell right now Sarah is the kind of girl who takes shit from no one. She's not here to make friends; she's just here for the money. Only time will tell if she's as bad as Heather."

After about an hour the campers were called by Chris.

"Okay campers, we've almost reached our destination. It's time to divide up the teams. At first we were going to name them after the American political parties, but the producers thought that would make waves."

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"The sooner we know on which sides of the board all of the pawns will be on, the sooner Heather and I can come up with our strategy."

"Okay let's see here… Alejandro… Justin… Izzy… DJ… Tyler… Cody… Beth… Sierra… Heather… and Lindsay… You guys are Team Liberty!"

Lindsay and Tyler were overjoyed to be on the same team, as Sierra was to be on the same team as Cody, but everyone could already see a change in Izzy's mood.

Confessional Car: Izzy

"It's okay, Owen and I are stronger than anything as small as team assignment, but come the merge my caged animal is going to come out roaring."

"Sarah… Geoff… Leshawna… John… Gwen… Owen… Duncan… Bridgette… Ezekiel… and Harold… you guys are Team Justice!"

"Wait a minute! Why do they get both of the only campers who are actually Americans?" asked Alejandro.

"You're kidding right?" asked Chris with a big smile on his face.

"What do you mean both? There's only one camper who's actually an American." said Heather.

"What about the girl with the white hair."

"There's no one here with white hair."

"I have a name." grumbled Sarah.

"I know! It's Sarah!"

"They're not playing a game Lindsay."

"She doesn't exist." said Heather.

"What are you talking about? She's right there." said Sierra.

"There are no other American campers on this show. And even if there were other American campers on this show, and I'm not saying that there are, they would not be albinos; because no one in their right mind would be caught dead with an albino!"

Confessional Car: Leshawna

"She denies the girl's existence just because she's different from the rest of us? Oh that's real mature."

"Moving right along…" said Chris "The producers and I have been thinking… What better way to start our American tour than with the great American pastime… baseball?"

"We're going to play baseball?" exclaimed Owen.

"We're not just going to play baseball; we're going to play it at Yankee Stadium in New York city! The winners get invincibility and all the ballpark franks they can eat! The losers will be sending someone home."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Phew… just a game of baseball. At last something easy."

Confessional Car: Cody

"We're going to play baseball at Yankee Stadium? This should be every boy's dream!"

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"You expect me to play baseball with this team of losers? Tienes queestarbromeandome! ¿Qué coñole pasa? Esteputo juegoes fijo!"

Within the hour the campers were inside Yankee Stadium dressed in their own customized uniforms.

"GO CUBS GO!"

"George, the Cubs aren't playing. We're not even in the right state." said Chris.

"Aw that's bullshit dude. Hey Abe! Hurry up or you're going to miss the game!"

"Ignore him… Now the first thing we've got to do is sing the American national anthem. Fortunately I have just the talent for the job."

"Oh boy…"

Chris stood out on the pitcher's mound.

"Oh say can you seeee! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah! Light! What so yadda blee blah! In the pie fight's last screaming!"

Confessional Car: John

"Uh… What the hell dude?"

"Whose broad strikes and high stars, in the purple bus kite! Oh the ramparts we watched, as the blah-blah-blah-blah-blah!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Oh this is certainly a proud moment in American history."

"And the rocket's read bear! And the bombs didn't care! Gave proof to the knights, that our flag was still blue! Oh say does that multicolored banner still fly up high in the sky! We're the home of the freaks! And the land of big dreams!"

All the campers broke down laughing.

"What? What did I say?"

"Uh Chris, you might want to check the instant replay." said Chef.

Confessional Car: Chris

"Okay… Who was in charge of the cue cards? I can tell this isn't going to be good for the ratings."

Chef was going to be the umpire, and Team Liberty was going to bat first.

"Okay John, what's the plan?" asked Owen.

"Uh… I hate to admit it, but sports aren't my strong suit."

"What are you talking about? You're the strongest person here!" said Sarah.

"That doesn't mean I've played sports my whole life. I was just another gamer geek before I had cancer."

"Don't worry, I played enough baseball back in juvie." said Duncan "I know how to get things done. But since there are only nine positions we need to sit someone out."

"Ezekiel, that'll be you."

"You're the boss!" said Ezekiel giving John a salute.

It was decided that Duncan was going to be the pitcher and Leshawna was going to be the catcher.

"Remind me again why we've got Owen in the outfield?" asked Gwen.

"Don't you remember when we played dodge ball back in season one? He's got a strong arm."

Alejandro was up to bat first.

"Play ball!" called Chef.

"There's the windup, and the pitch!" called Chris from the announcer's box.

Knowing Alejandro was easily the best batter on Team Liberty, Duncan decided to start with a cutter.

"Strike one!" bellowed Chef.

"That's throwing it over the old plate boy!" said Leshawna.

"Try it again and you'll be wearing it…" said Alejandro under his breath.

This time Duncan went with a slider.

"Strike two!"

"What are you talking about? That was a ball! Chuck Norris couldn't touch that pitch!"

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Who's Chuck Norris?"

"I said strike, and if you don't like it you can go to the showers." replied Chef.

Confessional Car: Geoff

"It's only the first guy up to bat, and Chef is already talking about throwing someone out of the game? I know its Alejandro, but isn't that a little extreme?"

"Hey batter-batter-batter-batter!" bellowed George.

"Here's the windup… and the pitch!"

"Strike three! You're out!"

"You're mine next time…" growled Alejandro.

After Alejandro came Justin and DJ. Justin didn't seem to even know what the strike zone was, and DJ winced every time the ball came at him. Now it was Team Justice's turn to bat.

"And batting first for Team Liberty is one of the only campers on this show who's actually an American… the White Dragon himself… John Swarner!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"Hello! He's the only person on this show who's actually an American!"

Team Liberty had chosen Alejandro to be pitcher. A heated rivalry had been going on between the two since John first appeared on Total Drama. John knew that Alejandro would just love to strike him out, but he was going to be very disappointed.

"This one is for little Jimmy…"

"Who?"

"He was almost as big a Total Drama fan as he was of Lord of the Rings, unfortunately he didn't live to see this season… God rest his soul."

"Oh I see… just another one of your star struck fans?" asked Alejandro.

"Courtney and I were there the day he died… We were at his funeral."

"Well forgive me if I don't cry Scarface."

Confessional Car: John

"That's it…"

"Here's the windup…"

For John it was like the ball was in slow motion.

CRACK!

"And it's out of the park!" bellowed Chris "You have a song request John?"

"Road's go ever, ever on; from the Rankin/Bass adaptation of Return of the King."

"Whatever you want."

Chris was surprised when he actually heard the song over the speakers.

The roads go ever, ever on

To the lands beyond the sea

On a white ship will I sail

Watching shadows part for me.

Leaving Havens gray with rain

Now that years have slipped away

Leaving friends with gentle pain

As they start another day.

The roads I traveled I must leave

For I've turned the final bend

Weep not empty tears but grieve

As the road comes to an end.

Its so easy not to try

Let the world go drifting by

If you never say hello

You won't have to say goodbye!

"And Team Liberty draws first blood!"

"Is it really true what you said about the kid." asked Bridgette.

"Every word; Courtney and I sang that same song for him the day he died. She gave him a kiss because he was never going to have a girlfriend or get married, and he gave me this."

John took off his glove to show the others that he was wearing another ring besides his purity ring.

"Oh! So that's the engagement ring!" said Sierra coming over from Liberty's dugout.

"No! This is a ring that Jimmy's parents gave him once and told him it was a ring of power."

"I thought the Ring of Power was just a golden band." said Gwen.

"I'll give you a lecture on Tolkien's works later. He called it Gygo the Ring of Victory… He wanted me to have it…"

The others could actually see tears forming in John's eyes.

"I'll never forget the look on his face… He asked me why he couldn't be saved like I was… I didn't know what to tell him… except that he was the bravest little boy I had ever known."

Confessional Car: Harold

(Crying)

"That's so sad!"

Confessional Car: Chef

(Crying)

"So brave… Sail away in the white ship little Jimmy!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"If that story's true, then I'm the queen of England."

Geoff managed to bat a single, and then it was Duncan's turn.

"It's a screaming line drive deep into center field!"

"I got it! I got it!"

Unfortunately since Tyler's eyes were up in the sky, he didn't notice the wall before he ran into it.

"He got it alright…" said Sierra.

Harold was up to bat next.

"Okay people, easy out!" said Heather.

Alejandro's pitch practically blew Harold off his feet.

"Strike one!"

"Kill the umpire! Get him out of there! He's blinder than I am!" bellowed George.

"Don't let him intimidate you Harold! This guy's a pushover!"

This time Harold swung at the ball, but missed it.

"Strike two!"

Confessional Car: Harold

"I can do this… I just need to find my center… use the force…"

"Here it comes!"

"He bunts it!"

Harold took off towards first as fast as he could, but Beth tossed the ball to Justin at first. Justin tried to tag Harold, but Harold somehow managed to jump right over him and land on first.

"Safe!"

"What? We're playing baseball, not ballroom dancing!" said Heather.

"I said he's safe!"

Confessional Car: Harold

"Booyah!

The rest of the inning was hell for Team Liberty. At one point Lindsay was hit in the head with a fly ball, and when she picked it up she threw it into the stands.

"And that's the end of the first inning!" said Chris "Team Justice leads seven to nothing!"

"There's still eight innings left, we're not out of this yet, but we need to change tactics."

"Yes, namely someone needs to hit a goddamn ball!" said Heather.

Confessional Car: Heather

"Baseball is such a stupid game anyway. What's the point of hitting a ball and running around a diamond just so you can get your shoes dirty? And with all the steroids they take the players look like gorillas!"

"You know… there are other ways of getting to first base besides hitting the ball." said Cody.

"What did you have in mind?"

Confessional Car: Sierra

"My Cody is sooo smart. But not too smart, I've already found a way to trick him into spelling his name backwards twice."

When the time-out was over, Team Liberty had chosen to have Beth bat first. Duncan knew better than to underestimate her, he had only beaten her in Total Drama Action by a slim margin.

"There's the windup… and the pitch!"

"Ball!" called Chef.

"Ball?"

"If it's outside the strike zone it's a ball."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Damn… the strike zone changes depending on the batter's size."

"Ball two! Ball three! Ball four! Take your base!"

Cody was up next and was walked as well.

"Lindsay, you're up."

"Uh… can someone remind me what I'm supposed to do when the ball comes at me?"

"Just try and hit it, but don't swing unless it's in the strike zone."

"What's the strike zone?"

"It's this invisible box from your shoulder to your kneecap; don't swing unless the ball is in that area."

"But how am I supposed to see it if it's invisible?"

Alejandro slapped himself on the forehead.

"Just go out there and do your best, you'll be fine." said Tyler.

"Give me a kiss for luck?"

"Anything you want."

While Lindsay and Tyler were making out Heather grabbed Lindsay's belt, somehow Alejandro was the only one who noticed.

"What are you doing?"

"Mr. King of the Canyon said there was more than one way to get to first."

"Any day now…" said Duncan.

"Okay, here I come!"

"Easy out D!"

Duncan was just about to release the ball, when suddenly…

"EEEKK!"

Lindsay's pants fell down, causing Duncan to drop the ball.

"Ball! Batter takes first base!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Only Lindsay would wear a thong to a baseball game…"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"I know she got a free trip to first, but there's something you don't see every time you go to a baseball game."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Heather is like sooooo dead…"

Next it was Heather's turn to bat.

"Let's see if she can put her money where her mouth is…" thought Beth.

Unsurprisingly Heather got two strikes.

"Look out Batgirl, here comes the Joker!"

This time Heather it wasn't just the baseball that Heather hit.

"No way!" cried Duncan collapsing to the ground.

"That's still a hit! GO! GO!" bellowed Alejandro.

Beth ran for home plate, but it looked like Duncan had regained enough of himself to pick up the ball and throw it.

"Safe!" said Chef.

"I'll be fine…" said Duncan struggling to his knees "Just give me a minute to find my pelvis."

"Okay, but in the meantime… Owen you be pitcher, Ezekiel you take his place in the outfield."

Owen was up to being the pitcher for a while, but the next person up to bat was Izzy.

Confessional Car: Owen

"For a moment there I didn't know what to do… Then I realized that I couldn't let my team down. If I was going to win this thing for us, then I was going to have to strike her out."

Owen threw the ball as hard as he could.

"You're too predictable Big-O"

CRACK!

"OH MY GOSH! IT'S A GRAND SLAM!" exclaimed Chris.

As the innings went by Liberty and Justice battled back and forth for the lead.

"It's almost sunset folks! It's the top of the ninth, two outs, and Liberty is up by four!"

Alejandro was up to bat, and Duncan had recovered well enough to reassume his position as the pitcher.

"You can do it D!"

"Here's the windup… and the pitch!"

CRACK!

"AND IT'S A FLY BALL DEEP INTO CENTERFIELD!"

"I've got it! I've got it!"

Owen faded back. Soon he was right under where the ball was going to land. But instead of catching it in his glove, it landed in his mouth and he accidentally swallowed it.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"That can't be good for your colon."

"You're out!" bellowed Chef.

"OUT! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" screamed Alejandro "HE DIDN'T CATCH THAT BALL! HE FUCKING ATE IT!"

"I said you're out!"

"THAT IS THE WORST CALL IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY! I'M OUT THERE BUSTING MY BALLS AND YOU GIVE ME A TRUCK FULL OF BULLSHIT!"

"Alright, you're outta here!"

"Oh my gosh! Liberty just lost their star pitcher! And it's Justice's turn to bat! This is anybody's game!" exclaimed Chris.

"You okay big guy?" asked Leshawna.

"I don't feel so good… BLEAH!"

DJ wasn't up to being the pitcher and at one point during the game Justin threw his entire glove when he tried pitching the ball. In the end they chose to make Izzy the new pitcher. Unlike the other campers she looked like she still had plenty of energy to spare, even though they had been playing for hours.

Confessional Car: Owen

"You should see what she's like in the bedroom. Did I say that out loud?"

Izzy managed to strike out both Owen and Leshawna, but she accidentally dusted Geoff off with a bean ball, and both John and Duncan managed to hit singles.

"Bottom of the ninth… bases loaded… one out to go… and Team Justice is one grand slam away from tying it up." said Chris.

Confessional Car: Chris

"This much drama and all the hilarious and heart tugging things that have happened on the field today should more than make up for my little blunder earlier today."

"Up next is the new girl in town… Sarah!"

"Go get 'em babe!"

Sarah walked over to Ezekiel and grabbed him by the throat.

"Call me babe again… and I'll shatter your jaw and rip your tongue out… do we understand each other?"

"Yes ma'am…"

"Good…"

"Easy out!" yelled Heather "She doesn't even exist!"

Sarah ignored Heather's taunt and walked up to the plate.

"Wow… It's only the first challenge and already it's up to me… I'm either the heroine… or the evil goat."

"It's up to the pitcher now folks." said Chris "Invincibility and all the ballpark franks you can eat hang on this pitch…"

CRACK!

"IT'S A TERRIFIC HIT! IT'S HEADING WAY BACK TO CENTER! IT'S A SCRAMBLE FOR THE BALL! IT LOOKS LIKE TYLER'S GOT IT… BUT HE DROPS IT!"

Geoff rushed across home plate and John was right behind him.

"PICK UP THE DAMN BALL! THROW IT!" bellowed Heather.

Tyler picked up the third ball and tossed it, but it only went a couple feet.

"YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP! YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL!"

John raced from third to home.

"THROW IT! THROW IT!"

Tyler managed to get the ball to Izzy as Duncan made it to home.

"YOU DON'T EXIST! YOU CAN'T WIN!"

Confessional Car: Beth

"She runs pretty fast for someone who isn't there."

"THERE GOES SARAH! IT'S A RACE FOR HOME PLATE! SLIDE! SLIDE!"

As Sarah came into home she sent up a thick cloud of dust, making it impossible for the others to see what happened.

"Looks like it's up to Chef…" said John.

"Wait a minute!" said Chris "Before you say anything, let's watch that again in super-slow motion."

Everyone had their fingers crossed as Chef watched the replay.

"She's out!"

"HA! Scooby-dooby-doo, bitch!" bellowed Heather.

Confessional Car: Duncan

" I don't care how big a Scooby fan she is. She stole that line from the Cleveland Show special."

"If she doesn't exist, then who are you talking to?" asked Sierra.

"Shut up…"

"What do you mean she was out? Who do you think you are?" bellowed Ezekiel.

"Pictures don't lie farm boy."

"How does it feel to be beaten by a team of Canadians you big vampire!" yelled Alejandro.

At that moment Sarah just snapped. Until now she had kept her temper in check, but now she had seen red.

"Sweet mother of!"

Before Chef could finish his sentence, Sarah grabbed a bat and charged.

"AAHHHH!"

For a moment everyone just stood there in horror as Sarah beat the hell out of Alejandro.

"She's gonna kill him! Do something!"

John tried to stop Sarah, but she hammered him in the gut.

"Alright that's it!"

Now John and Sarah were fighting it out while the members of Team Liberty came to Alejandro's aid.

"EVERYBODY STOP!"

Chef pulled out a handgun and fired into the air. The stadium immediately fell silent except for Alejandro. who couldn't stop screaming.

"ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

"Do you know what I see here?" asked Chris "I see very poor sportsmanship, I see an awful mess, I see a horrible misuse of sports equipment. But above all I see a total disregard of everything this game is about… And I have to say… THAT WAS AWESOME! But you're still out. Chef, take Al to the infirmary, the rest of Team Liberty may proceed to the first class car where the franks are waiting. Team Justice… proceed to the caboose and place your votes in the ballot box of death."

"What the hell was that all about?" demanded John when they made it back to the train.

"I had to take him down!"

"You practically destroyed his arm!"

"He's an ignorant self-centered asshole, not to mention he's on the other team! Why do you give a fuck?"

"We're on live TV and your actions reflect not only yourself and this team, but this entire country, or do I need to remind you that you and I are the only two campers who are actually Americans? Not to mention you could probably get kicked off the show for that."

"You're right… that was really stupid… but he deserved it."

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"In Sarah's defense, Alejandro kinda had that coming for ages."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"We can't afford to get rid of Sarah or John just yet… I vote for Ezekiel."

Confessional Car: George

"Take it from a hobo, that girl's trouble."

Confessional Car: Geoff

"It's gotta be Sarah."

Confessional Car: Harold

"Sarah, because she scares me… She won't see this, right?"

In the first class car Team Liberty was celebrating their win.

"Don't worry; we've also got tofu hot dogs for you veggies out there."

"Who eats tofu hot dogs?" asked Tyler.

Cody filled up his plate very quickly.

"Oh Cody-wody!"

"Yes… Sierra?"

"Could you be a dear and proofread this blog entry for me? I need to go check something with George."

Sierra had already written a full page detailed account of the day's events.

"You did this all in like ten minutes, and from memory?"

"I miss nothing. Just highlight the typos in red."

Cody scanned the text of the blog and noticed that there were plenty of typos; apparently typing so fast had caused Sierra to mess up.

"Wait a minute…"

Sierra came back fifteen minutes later. When she looked at the screen on her laptop she saw that the only highlighted text was a new line that had been placed at the top.

Nice try

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Dammit!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"Superman used that same trick on Mxyzptlk in the episode I saw. No way was I going to fall for it."

Team Justice was assembled in the caboose. Chris stood at his podium with a tray of miniature golden bald eagles.

"Campers, in America the bald eagle is a symbol of strength and freedom. But for you the eagle is a symbol of life. You have all cast your votes and made your decision… There are only nine eagles on this tray. When I call your name… come up and claim your eagle. The camper who does not receive an eagle must get on the Hand Cart of Losers and leave. That mean's your out of competition… and you can't come back… ever!"

Confessional Car: Chris

"I never get tired of saying that."

The mood was broken by George, who was sitting in his corner scarfing down the food he picked up from the stadium.

"This stinks, when does the movie start?"

"Dude, this is an elimination ceremony."

"Oh right… duh."

"Anyway… The first eagle goes to… John."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Quick poll, anyone surprised?"

"Owen… Geoff… Leshawna… Duncan… Bridgette… Harold… and… Gwen."

That left only Sarah and Ezekiel.

"Campers… this is the final eagle of the evening…"

Both Sarah and Ezekiel were on the edge of their seats as Chris took his time building dramatic tension.

"It's a tie…"

"What?"

"Both Ezekiel and Sarah have tied for most votes, so we're going to have to settle this with a tiebreaker."

"Wait!"

"What for?"

"as a handsome young gentleman, it's up to me to do the right thing." said Ezekiel.

Confessional Car: Gwen

(Laughs)

"Ezekiel a handsome young gentleman?"

"You don't need to do a tiebreaker. I quit."

"What?"

"You don't mean it… do you?"

"Yes I do…"

"Uh… why?"

"Because it's the right thing to do."

Confessional Car: Ezekiel

"I know… I'm throwing away a chance at a million dollars… but she's so hot it's worth it!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Sad inbred little freak…"

Ezekiel, the guy who hated being eliminated first every time, was now leaving the game willingly.

"Your loss dude, but here's a consolation prize."

Chris tossed Ezekiel a t-shirt with an American flag design all over it. On the front there was a message written in bold.

I was on Total Drama American Tour

And all I got was a stupid t-shirt.

"Awesome!"

"Glad you like it… now hit the rail."

Ezekiel silently and willingly got on the hand cart and quickly shrank into the distance.

"The rest of you are safe… for tonight."

As the remaining members of Team Justice returned to the economy car they heard Alejandro screaming from inside the infirmary. Sarah crawled into her capsule and shut the door without saying a word to anyone.

"I came this close to being the first person to be booted this season… But you still love me… right Pearly?"

"Meow…"

Pearl crawled over and licked Sarah on the face.

"I know… even if the rest of the world hates me… I'll always have you."

Well… it looks like I owe Chef a hundred dollars… but at least we really broke the ice with this episode! What will our next challenge be? Will Sarah be able to fix her standing with the rest of her team? Who will be the next camper to take the humiliating ride on the Hand Cart of Losers? Will Sierra be able to trick Cody before it's too late?

The only way to find out is to join us next time right here

On Total… Drama… American Tour!

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit…"

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"I'm going to murder that bitch… As soon as my arm stops feeling like it's been through a trash compacter."

"Did they boot her?"

"No, farm boy took the fall for her."

"My arm is broken in three places and they're just letting it slide?"

"This is Chris McLean we're talking about…" said Heather "I think this goes without saying, but you're going to have to be the one who sits the next challenge out."

"How am I supposed to win this game if I can't even move my arm without it feeling like it's caught on fire?"

Confessional Car: Chris

"Here at Total Drama we care about the safety and well-being of all our competitors. Alejandro should be in the hospital, it's not our fault that he refuses to leave the game."

As the train rode on through the night the only other camper who was still awake was Sierra, who was trying desperately to find a way to trick Cody.

"I know! I'll write the words backwards on his shirt, and then I'll get him to walk in front of a mirror… No, he would notice… Maybe I'll get him to play a game of Hangman! No, that's an awfully long thing to spell; he'd figure it out and make incorrect guesses on purpose… There's got to be a way."

It may have taken her about an hour, but it finally dawned on her.

"I'm going to need some help… Cassandra!"

"Yes, how may I be of assistance?"

"Do you know how I can get my precious Cody to say his name backwards twice in a row?"

"Getting him to actually say it sounds highly improbable, unless maybe you held him at gunpoint."

"That's no good… He'd know that I would never do it."

"What I meant is that you should try to get him to spell it instead of trying to get him to say it."

"I already tried that today."

"I remember. Most likely he was expecting you to try something like that, especially considering that you asked him to proofread your blog. You would probably have a higher chance of success if you took him by surprise."

"So… I need to put him in position where he's forced to do it, but without him being aware. The only question is… how the heck do I do that?"

Cody had chosen his challenge well, but Sierra wasn't going to give up.

"Challenge… Cassandra, do you have access to Chris' files?"

"I am in complete control of the train, unless my superiors tell me otherwise."

"Do you know what the challenges are for this season?"

"I do, but I'm not permitted to divulge that information. I can tell you this though; it's highly improbable that you'll have an opportunity to trick Cody during the next one."

In the morning all the campers were blown out of bed by Chris' wake up call.

"Rise and shine everybody! We'll be at our destination within the hour."

When Gwen got out of her capsule she looked like hell, even for someone who only just woke up.

"Rough night?" asked Duncan.

"I had more room in my mother's uterus…"

"You ain't just whistling Dixie… I feel like a…"

Leshawna didn't finish her sentence because at that moment Sarah got out of her capsule.

"I feel like a…"

"Like someone who just got out of prison!" said Harold.

"Sure, let's go with that."

When all the other campers were assembled, Alejandro came in with his arm in a cast and sling. He also had several bandages on his face.

"Not a word from any of you…"

Sarah couldn't help but crack a smile.

"Okay Chris, what's our poison today?" asked Bridgette.

"Today we're in Indiana, and while we're here we're going to pay a visit to one of the most prestigious colleges in the world, The University of Notre Dame!"

Confessional Car: Justin

"I wonder if any of Notre Dame's star woman athletes are home today…"

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"Please tell me our challenge isn't football."

"Did you know that the university's name is French, but the team is the Fighting Irish? What's up with that?"

"That would be because the founders were French, but most of their students at the time were Irish." said John.

"Whatever…"

"Never trust the Irish!" said George walking into the room "They've been letting me down for years! When people walk into the stadium on game day they are checked for guns, because if they had any they'd blow their brains out before the first quarter was over!"

"Okay… thank you for that information George."

"No problem… Hey, have you seen Abe? Abe!"

The campers arrived on the Notre Dame campus at around ten o'clock.

"To start off today's festivities, you will be taking a little run around the campus. Chef, the map please."

Chef pulled up a huge detailed map of the campus.

"You'll start here at the main gate. You are to take Holy Cross Drive and follow it until you come to Saint Mary's Lake. After you've complete one lap around the lake you will proceed to the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes, circle around the Basilica of the Scared Heart and the main building, after that circle back and follow the Stations of the Cross along Saint Joseph's Lake. After that proceed past the Moreau Seminary and the Holy Cross House. You are then to make your way to Cavanaugh Drive, circle around the Hesburgh Library, head south and take one lap around the stadium and Joyce Center, and meet me and Chef here in the North Dining Hall. If you get lost just follow the red, white, and blue signs."

Confessional Car:John

"I came here once with my dad when I was younger… That is a long walk."

"Okay runners, take your mark… get set… go!"

Despite his injuries Alejandro had to do the course as well. Needless to say he spent the whole time at the back of the line. At first all the other campers were running, but eventually they all slowed down to a walk. To pass the time John started singing, and some of the other boys joined him.

Where there's a whip, there's a way. Where there's a whip, there's a way. Where there's a whip...

We don't wanna go to war today But the Lord of the Lash says: "nay, nay, nay!" We're gonna march all day, all day, all day! Where there's a whip there's a way!

Confessional Car: Harold

"I love that song."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Phew… Well… at least Tyler and I getting to see the sights."

By the time they made it to the North Dining Hall, they were all exhausted.

"What's the matter with you?" asked DJ "We're all tired but you look whipped."

"I was up late…" replied Sierra.

Unsurprisingly Alejandro was the last one in.

"Alright! We won the challenge!"

"Hold the happiness Owen." said Chris "That wasn't the challenge."

"What? You mean we just took that painfully long walk for nothing?" asked Harold.

"Well… you did give us more than enough time to make you lunch."

Confessional Car: Owen

"Praise the lord… A double cheese burger or three would sure hit the spot."

Confessional Car: Beth

"This seems awfully familiar…"

The campers gorged down on whatever food was available for about an hour.

"Okay campers! It's time for the next part of your challenge! Back by popular demand, it's the Awake-a-thon!"

Confessional Cabin: Gwen

"Oh no… not again…"

"Count me out!" said Duncan "Last time we did that I went four nights without any sleep!"

"Don't worry; I'm confident this won't take even four hours. Follow me…"

Chris led the campers to classroom somewhere else on the campus.

"You all know the rules, the last campers standing wins invincibility for their team. To ensure that this doesn't go as long as it did last time, we have recruited one of Notre Dame's finest. Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to Professor Snor!"

When Snor spoke it sounded like he didn't have any personality at all. He took monotone to a whole new level.

"Good afternoon, I'm Professor Snor. I have a very special treat for you today… We're going to be learning about the history of Catholicism."

"He looks like a peeled potato." whispered Geoff.

"A teapot with legs." replied Duncan.

"Chris, would you please get the lights for me?"

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"Running our legs off followed by sitting in a dark classroom while Mr. Vitality mumbles and gives us slideshow? Yeah, this isn't going to take long."

"It all started thousands of years ago, when…"

Since Christianity has its roots in Judaism, Snor's lecture started with the stories of Abraham, who was considered to be the forefather of the Jewish people. After twenty minutes Sierra was the first to fall asleep, followed quickly by Owen and Leshawna.

Confessional Car: John

"I already took Church History in high school…"

(Looks at rings)

"The things I do for my fans… and Courtney… I'm going to need a water tower full of Mountain Dew to get through this drek."

"Having heard so much about Joseph, Pharaoh summed him so he could interpret his dreams."

Confessional Car: Geoff

"I can only make out every fifth word… and that's only because of those pictures."

"Before we continue can anyone tell me what is covered in the Book of Job?"

Confessional Car: Tyler

"Please tell me we're not going to be tested on all this."

After three hours more than half the campers had fallen asleep. Only John, Gwen, Sarah, Heather, Izzy, and Alejandro were still standing.

"And that concludes the Old Testament…"

For a moment the six campers cheered, thinking the torture was over.

"Now onto the New Testament and beyond…"

"Auuuggh…."

"We will start with the genealogy of Jesus…."

Heather started banging her head against her desk.

"I will have quiet during lecture."

Confessional Car: Alejandro

"Here comes the gospel according to headache… That's the kind of bad joke I'm making I'm so tired…"

"And so Pentecost is called the birthday of the church, for having received the Holy Spirit the boring apostles began boring the word of teaches of Jesus into the boring people of Jerusalem… boring… boring… boring…"

That was the last thing Heather heard before she passed out.

Confessional Car: Sarah

"If anyone is going to screw this up for Justice, it's not going to be me."

"In gratitude Constantine declared that Christians were free to practice their faith, thus ending the Roman persecution."

Unfortunately John had reached his limit and passed out shortly after Alejandro.

"And so began the great schism…"

That's when Gwen went down, leaving only Sarah and Izzy.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I know I did it last time, but last time they didn't have someone completely deprived of emotion or personality speaking in a dark room."

Sarah looked like she was starting to lose it, but Izzy looked like she still had plenty of energy left in her.

"You've got to be kidding me… All this history babble and she doesn't even look tired…"

Sarah tried waving her hand in front of Izzy's face. Then she nudged her with her hand, causing her to fall over.

"You crazy stripper! You're just sleeping with your eyes open!"

Chef came over to confirm it.

"She's out like a blown fuse Chris."

"Looks like Sarah just won Team Justice their first victory!"

"Why does Team Justice win? She doesn't exist!" said Heather.

Confessional Car: Alejandro

(Whispering)

"Obviously… she's a Twilight vampire…"

Confessional Car: Justin

"So now we need to vote someone off… Well this doesn't take a genius."

By the time they made it back to the train the sun had already gone down. Sarah picked out a bed in the first class car and immediately fell asleep.

"I guess she's earned her stripes." said Duncan.

"Not to mention, the only person she's injured is Alejandro, and he's not even on our team." replied Gwen.

"You think they'll boot him? I know he's only got one usable arm, but the rest of Liberty isn't very bright."

"If they do boot him it'll just make the game that much easier for us."

"Point taken."

Team Liberty was gathered in the caboose.

"I can see you're all really tired, so we'll just get to."

"Thank the lord." said Heather.

"We'll also save a little money on eagles and probably make things a little more dramatic if I read the votes to you. As you know, if you get the most votes you've gotta hitch a ride on the hand cart of losers and you can't come back… ever!"

"Chris, I hate to point out the obvious, but you've been saying something like that every season." said Beth "And every time you've said it, you've eaten your words."

"Do you really want to take that chance?"

Chris took out the ballot box of death.

"Let's see here… Alejandro… Beth… Al… Alejandro… Sierra… Al… Al… Al… Alejandro… and Al."

"What? You've got to be shitting me!"

"Sorry Al, the people have spoken. Here's your consolation prize."

Chris tossed Alejandro the same shirt he gave Ezekiel and shoved him out the door.

"This isn't over! I'll be back! I'll have my revenge!"

Confessional Car: George

"Wow… Where did he get that line from? Every movie ever made?"

"This isn't good." thought Sierra "Someone is already trying to boot me off! I must find a way to trick Cody before it's too late… But how?"

When Sierra crawled into the economy class capsule she had chosen earlier, she saw that there was a tape recorder inside with her name on it. It also came with a message telling her to keep quiet about it.

"What's this?"

Sierra shut herself in the capsule and pressed the play button.

"Hello Sierra, you're probably wondering who I am… All you need to know is that I'm someone who wants to help… Follow my instructions very carefully and I guarantee you'll get what you want."

As the G-1000 raced across the night-time American landscape, only one member of Team Justice found himself unable to sleep.

"I don't care how boring that lecture was… I need to do better than that!"

During Total Drama Halo, John had won almost every single post-merge challenge that Chris threw at him, because he knew that if he didn't the other campers would surely vote him off because of his skill. In the end he was bested by Cody in the final challenge. He still felt like a winner though, because as a consolation prize he won a kick-ass new ride and he got the girl.

"I can't get lazy just because I've already won a season, what kind of an example would I be?"

Unlike some of the other campers, John had a lot of people who looked up to him. Since he won Total Drama Shipwreck he had lost count of how many sick children he had visited. He had inspired them to be strong and fight, he would never forget little Jimmy's words.

"I want you to know that you're my hero…"

"Well… I guess I'm not going to do my fans any favors if I'm up all night."

John sat down on his bed and tried to get to sleep by reading one of his books. Even before his cancer he had thoroughly enjoyed the Lord of The Rings. One of the things he found very odd about the books is that some of the main characters, most notably Frodo and his uncle Bilbo Baggins, never seemed to have any romantic interest. By the end of the saga the only hobbit that got married was Frodo's friend and fellow ring-bearer Sam. What he could understand that Frodo probably wasn't thinking about female hobbits while carrying the Ring of Power to Mordor, but he didn't seem to have any prospects before his adventures either.

"He guessed as well as he could, and crawled along for a good way, till suddenly his hand met what felt like a tiny ring of cold metal lying on the floor of the tunnel."

John stopped for a moment to take a look at his own rings. On one hand he wore the ring that Jimmy had given him, and on the other he wore his purity ring. When the others first saw them Sierra was quick to assume that one of them was an engagement ring.

"Makes me glad I left my other ring at home."

The ring John was referring to was one he had purchased in secret several months ago, but it was locked up safely in his room, because he knew that he had to wait.

"Christians have been waiting over two thousand years for their messiah to come again. I can give my girl a couple years to make her dreams come true."

The next morning all the campers were awoken by what sounded like cannon fire.

"AH! THE JAPS ARE COMING! MAN THE AA GUNS! PILOTS TO YOUR FIGHTERS!" bellowed George running up and down the car.

"George, WWII ended seven decades ago." said Bridgette.

"Oh right..."

"Then who's shooting off cannons?" asked DJ.

"Argh! That would be me."

Chris entered dressed in his pirate costume.

"Today's challenge takes us to the Sunshine State!"

"We're going to Florida?" exclaimed Lindsay.

"Aye matey! And for today's challenge we're going to be pirates searching for the biggest booty of them all… The Fountain of Youth."

"Are we talking about the actual Fountain of Youth, or just one of your props?" asked Gwen.

"If I knew where the actual Fountain of Youth was, do you really think I'd be earning my luxurious living by hosting reality shows?"

Confessional Car: Chris

"Maybe I would. After all, what good is being a rich immortal if you can't have some fun every now and then?"

Chris wasn't the only one dressed in a pirate costume. As the train moved closer and closer to their destination Izzy donned one of her own.

"And then the scurvy dog shot me in the heart, and left me body to rot on a pile of me own booty."

"Then how did you come back from the dead?" asked Beth.

"I don't know; I never really understood that part."

At that moment Sierra walked by with a big smile on her face.

"You seem like you're in a good mood."

"I have a feeling it's going to be a wonderful day."

Confessional Car: Cody

"She's going to try something… I can't let my guard down."

When the train finally came to a stop the campers found themselves on a beach. Chris waited until the interns told him that everything was set up.

"Okay campers, our challenge will take place on an island somewhere off the coast."

Chef came driving up in a boat.

"All aboard!"

For some reason Sarah seemed hesitant to join the others.

"Sarah, we're waiting…"

"Could we… have the challenge on this beach?"

"Okay, what's wrong?" asked Bridgette.

"I… I can't swim." she said turning a little pink.

"You don't have to; we're going on a boat."

Confessional Car: Heather

"So… looks like she is afraid of something after all."

Apparently being on a boat didn't do anything to put Sarah at ease. She mostly kept to the center of the deck, and half the time she looked like she was getting seasick.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"What's her problem? This isn't the Titanic."

"While we make our way to the island, why don't we break the ice?" said Chris "For the first part of today's challenge both teams need to pick two of their members to play a game of Liars Dice."

"What's Liars Dice?" asked Tyler.

"Dear god, don't any of you watch Pirates of the Caribbean?"

Confessional Car: Cody

"In a word, yes."

Confessional Car: Justin

"I saw it once, and it made no sense at all. Then again I did miss the first two movies."

Confessional Car: Harold

"Rumor has it that Walt Disney's body is cryogenically frozen and is being kept beneath the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland."

Team Liberty chose Heather and Cody to play, where Team Justice chose John and Duncan.

"Remember, your bet includes all the dice, not just your own. Every round you can either call the last bidder a liar or up the bid. Ones are wild and can be counted as anything. You win when you call someone a liar and are correct, or if someone calls you a liar and they are wrong. Whoever wins will earn a small advantage for their team in the next part of the challenge. John, the first bid is yours."

Since there were four people playing the game there were twenty dice altogether. But John could only look at the five dice under his own cup. He looked at his dice and then signaled to Duncan that he was bluffing. He did this by crossing his fingers with his free hand in his lap under the table.

"Three sixes."

"Heather, it's your bid."

Heather looked at the dice under her cup.

"Five sixes."

"She's falling for it."

"Five fives." said Duncan.

"Six fours." said Cody.

The first round was over, now it was time for the tricky part. Heather, Duncan, and Cody had all said three different numbers. Heather seemed confident with her bet, but the outcome of this game would likely depend on her reaction to John's next move. He didn't have any wilds, so if she called him a liar they might be in trouble. His best bet was to up the bid just a little bit.

"Seven fours."

Heather, Duncan, and Cody quickly checked their own dice. All eyes were on Heather, and her expression was impossible to read.

"Ten sixes."

All the other campers gasped.

"Liar!" exclaimed Duncan.

"Okay, reveal."

John had a two, two threes, and two fours. Duncan had three ones and two fives. Cody had four ones and a three.

"If you include the wilds, that's only seven sixes so far. What do you got Heather?"

Heather lifted up her cup, revealing that she had four sixes and a one.

"That makes twelve, more than enough, Liberty wins!"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Dammit!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"I knew my record on this show would lead them to think that I was lying. The real dangerous thing about a liar is that you don't know when they're going to tell the truth."

Shortly after the game they reached their destination.

"For the next part of the challenge both teams will need to solve a jigsaw puzzle. When completed the puzzle will form a map of the island that will lead you to a treasure chest containing nine silver chalices and a clue to where the Fountain of Youth can be found. The first team to have all nine of their members drink from the fountain with their chalices wins invincibility and gets to enjoy a Pirates of the Caribbean movie marathon tonight while eating a huge Disney themed ice cream cake. Since Team Liberty won the last round, they get a five minute head start."

Confessional Car: Leshawna

"Well that really blows."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Who cares what the reward is, before the day is over I'll be getting something a lot sweeter than ice cream cake."

"Just so we're clear, the two chests are buried in different locations, so the maps aren't the same. And it doesn't matter if you can read your map or not, you're not allowed to go anywhere until you complete the puzzle. Ready… set… go!"

Team Liberty immediately dumped the puzzle pieces on the ground and started sorting through them.

"Find the corners and the sides!"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"The puzzle had at least a hundred pieces, and Chris was making us wait five minutes before we could get started. I didn't think there was any way we could win this thing."

By the time Team Justice was allowed to start, Liberty had already completed three quarters of the puzzle.

"Come on guys, we can do this! Think of the cake!" said Owen.

Confessional Car: Geoff

"You have to admire the big guy's persistence, and John wasn't giving up either. I guess it's true what they say, it ain't over till it's over."

"No! This one goes here, that one goes there!"

Despite their best efforts Justice had only completed half of the puzzle by the time Liberty finished theirs.

"According to this we just need to head about a hundred paces in that direction, then look for a big X."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Oh my god… I'm so close I can taste it."

The members of Team Liberty immediately went in the direction the map gave them and looked for the X.

Confessional Car: Beth

"Like pirates would really paint a big X somewhere. That's not very inconspicuous."

After a short walk on the island Team Liberty finally found themselves at a clearing with two fallen trees lying on top of each other.

"Don't just stand there! Start digging!" exclaimed Heather.

Meanwhile Team Justice had just completed their puzzle.

"That way!"

Unfortunately Chris hadn't supplied either team with shovels or any other form of digging equipment, so the campers were forced to use only their hands.

"We kindle and char and in flame and ignite! Drink up me 'earties, yo ho! We burn up the city, we're really a fright! Drink up me 'earties, yo ho!" sang Izzy.

"I found something!" exclaimed DJ.

"Well hurry up and get it out of there!"

DJ, Justin, and Tyler heaved the chest out of the ground. They looked inside and found the chalices just like Chris had said.

"They're so pretty!" said Lindsay.

"Wait a minute."

Heather took one of the chalices and flicked it with her fingers.

"This isn't silver, it's a plastic!"

Confessional Car: Chris

"Like we were really going to blow a ton of money on eighteen silver chalices that the campers were probably going to steal."

"Never mind that, what's the clue?" asked Tyler.

At the bottom of the chest there was a scroll of paper. Heather took it out and unrolled it.

"What the hell?"

Ω‡øߧ¤×€ Ω‡ø§∑€¥ ∂∂§∑∑§ ±¤‡∞ Ω‡øߧ¤×€ Ω‡ø§∑€¥ ∂∂§∑∑§ ±¤‡∞

"How is this supposed to help us find the fountain?" asked Justin.

"I don't know; they look like random symbols."

"Wait, the arrangement of these symbols seems to indicate word groupings." said Beth.

"Maybe it's some kind of substitution cipher!"

"What's a substitution cipher?" asked Lindsay.

"It's where you encode a message by replacing a letter with something else."

"Since you know so much about it Cody, can you decode it?"

"I can try, but I can't think of any nine letter words right off the top of my head."

"Actually I think there are only eight letters in the first word."

"Why?"

"Those two S's are grouped together; I think that's meant to represent a single letter."

It only took Cody a moment to notice that the message was just one sentence printed twice.

"Oh no…"

"What? What is it?"

"Why don't you ask Sierra? She's the one who made it."

"I… don't know what you're talking about."

"What do mean she made it, what's it say?"

"Yeah, what does it say?" said Sierra.

"I can't answer that question."

"Why not?" asked DJ.

"Let me see that thing!"

Heather looked at the scroll, took out a pen and started writing something beneath the symbols. Her face started to turn red.

"What?"

Heather showed the others what she had written beneath the symbols.

Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc

"Sierra!"

Chris and Chef came over to see what the commotion was.

"Let me get this straight, someone told you what the challenge was going to be today, so you snuck into the storage car and switched the code your team was to receive with the one you made. And you never thought about sabotaging the other team?"

"If I had then Cody wouldn't have solved the code, and wouldn't have to give me the combination to his lock."

"Well I hate burst your bubble, but he still doesn't have to." replied Chris.

"What? Why not?"

"He figured out that the decoded message was his name printed backwards twice in row, but he didn't actually say or spell it, Heather did that, so it doesn't count."

"Never mind that shit! Where's the real clue?" demanded Heather.

"I was told to leave it back on the train!"

"Well that's just great Sierra! Now how are we supposed to find the fountain?"

Meanwhile Team Justice had just finished digging up their chest.

"Okay we got the chalices, now what's the clue?"

John took out the scroll at the bottom of the chest and looked at it.

π‡Ω∞§ ¿§ ק‡Ω ¿¢¿ Ω‡∂ ŒΩ‡ñ, €Ω¿ ∑€Ω± ‡∂+§ßø ¿¢¿ Ω‡∂ §¢∂+§ß.

Ω‡ ×¢≠¢Ω∆ ∑€Ω ∞€Ω ק€¿ ±‡◊ ∂‡ ∂+§ πߢ†§ ±‡◊ ø§§Œ.

Ö◊∂ ‡Ω§ ∑€Ω'ø ק∆€∞± ŒΩ‡ñø ∂+§ ñ€±.

£‡×ׇñ ∂+€∂ ∑€∆¢∞€× ∑‡◊ø§ ∂‡ ∂+§ ×¢£§ ∆¢≠¢Ω∆ ñ‡∑Ö ‡£ ∂+§ ¢ø×€Ω¿.

"Looks like a bunch of bad tattoos." said Duncan.

"A substitution cipher." said John.

"So what does it say?" asked Gwen.

"It doesn't say anything, you've got to decode it and read it!" joked Harold.

"Give me a minute…"

John traced his finger across the lines, apparently counting the symbols.

This symbol appears more often than the rest, and unless I'm mistaken the most commonly used letter in the English alphabet is E.

John took out a pen and started to insert E's beneath the § symbols.

"I've never heard of a two letter word that ends in an E before." said Bridgette.

"Fe… be… ae… ce… je?" suggested Leshawna.

"Wait…"

John wrote something beneath the first three groups of symbols on the first line.

Ponce de León

"Of course!" said Harold slapping himself in the forehead "Why didn't I think of that?"

John put a bit dent in the code, but there was still plenty to go.

"Let's see… a four letter word that begins and ends with the same letter… that would be…"

"That!" said Sarah.

"What?" asked Owen.

"The answer is that."

"The answer is what?" asked Geoff

"No, the answer is that."

"But if the answer is that, then doesn't that mean it's what?"

"What?"

"Calm down guys, I know what the answer is."

Little by little John managed to decipher the message.

Ponce de León did not know, and many others did not either.

No living man can lead you to the prize you seek.

But one man's legacy knows the way.

Follow that magical mouse to the life giving womb of the island.

"Magical mouse?" asked Sarah.

"Well… we are off the coast of Florida… do you think it means Mickey Mouse?" said Gwen.

"How many other magical mice do we know?"

Meanwhile the members of Team Liberty had split up to look for the fountain individually. Without a clue to guide them they'd have to do it the old fashioned way.

"Guys! I think I've found something!" exclaimed Justin.

In the center of the island amidst of a large collection of trees there was a large hole in the ground.

"Well, we might as well give it a shot, since Sierra has left us with nothing to go on."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Oh come on! Heather would have done the exact same thing for a chance to see Alejandro's penis, assuming they haven't done it already. They've gotten a lot more lovey dovey in-between seasons, something must've happened."

The hole opened up into a huge cave. The members of Team Liberty crept slowly through it, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere.

"Uh… guys…"

"What is it Cody?"

"I don't want to freak you guys out… but I think I just saw a big rock move back there…"

"Toward us, or away?" asked Beth.

"Who cares? Rocks don't just get up and move."

"What about giant crocodiles?" asked Lindsay.

"What?"

The campers looked behind them and saw a reptile as big as a Buick creeping slowly towards them.

"GIANT CROCODILE!"

"Wait, that's not a crocodile, it's an alligator." said Izzy.

"Oh, what's the difference?" asked Heather.

"You can't see an alligator's jaws when its mouth is closed. Also Alligators a grayish black color, where crocodiles are a light tan." said DJ.

"I mean who cares? We're going to die either way!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"First Sierra's obsession with my reproductive organs leaves us without a clue, and now Justin has gotten us into an even bigger jam… Just another day on Total Drama."

Somewhere on the northwest corner of the island the members of Team Justice found a group of fake rocks organized so they looked like Mickey Mouse's head.

"Well this looks like it."

"And I don't see any footprints from the others."

"I wonder what happened to them."

"Who cares? If they don't win invincibility it's no skin off my back." asked Duncan.

"Point taken."

The rocks were easy to move around, and the campers found themselves crawling down a long tunnel, until finally they entered a large man-made chamber.

"That's the Fountain of Youth? Doesn't look like much." said Sarah.

Apparently Chris' idea of the Fountain of Youth was just a pool in the middle of the floor with a single pump spraying a small amount of the yellow liquid into the air.

Confessional Car: Chris

"Budget cuts."

"Why do I get the feeling that's not water…" said Duncan.

John bent down and smelled the liquid.

"It's not water, but it's not what you're thinking either…"

"In that case… Owen you go first."

Owen scooped up some of the liquid in his chalice and drank it.

"It's good!"

John was the next person to try it.

"What is this stuff? It tastes… strangely familiar."

"It's Gatorade." said Chris appearing out of nowhere.

"Gatorade?"

"Why not, this is Florida after all."

Speaking of gators, Team Liberty had just found themselves cornered by the giant one.

"I can't go like this!" exclaimed Sierra "I never got a chance to feel like a woman!"

"You want to feel like a woman?" asked Justin "Go do my laundry and get me something to eat."

Cody and Tyler both broke down laughing, but it only lasted a moment because they realized how close the gator was.

"I want my mommy!" screamed DJ.

Suddenly the gator just stopped. They cave was filled with the sound of someone chomping their teeth and making weird growling noises.

"George?"

The gator turned around and moved toward George, who gestured for the creature to go the other way.

"Lucky for you kids I know how to talk to reptiles."

"How did you find us?" asked Cody.

"When the eyes went, the other senses got stronger."

"What did you say to him?"

"I told him that you all taste like jellyfish."

Confessional Car: Heather

"First albinos and now blind hobos that can talk to lizards? No amount of money is worth this."

"Breaking into the storage, switching the codes, being chased by giant alligators…" said Chris when all the campers were gathered back at the boat "That is so incredible! But Team Liberty still has to vote someone off when we get back to the train."

"Well, at least we know there's one person this team would be better off without." said Heather looking at Sierra.

"Well excuse me for following my heart!"

"Your heart had nothing to do with it, it was your vagina."

"Please, there are kids in the audience." said DJ.

'"Well… I wasn't the one who led us straight into a giant alligator's nest!" said Sierra looking at Justin.

Confessional Car: Heather

"I'm one of the only people on this team that has any brains, I won that dice game for us, and it's Sierra's fault we lost. They'll never kick me off."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"I vote for Heather, because of what she did to me back in New York."

Confessional Car: Tyler

"I vote for Justin. Losing the challenge is one thing, but Lindsay and I were almost eaten."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Please God! Anyone but me!"

Confessional Car: Chris

"Oh I am loving this."

The only person who didn't make his vote known in the confessional was Cody, because he knew that if Sierra ever found out what he was thinking there would be hell to pay. After the sun had set Chris gathered all the members of Team Liberty in the caboose.

"Well campers, it's been a hell of a day."

"Reminds me of the time I fought a giant python!" said George "The creature swallowed me whole while I was asleep, but I crawled all the way to the back of its tail and yanked the sucker inside out!"

"Really?" asked Chris.

"No… but it could've happened."

"Whatever… As you know, if you do not get an eagle you will be forced to hitch a ride on the Handcart of Losers, and you can never-ever come back… ever!"

"If Sierra goes home now, then the only thing I have to worry about for the rest of the season is being eliminated." thought Cody.

"The first eagle goes to… Cody… Lindsay… Tyler…"

"Wa-hoo!"

"DJ… Beth… Izzy… and… Heather."

That left only Sierra and Justin.

"Campers… this is the last eagle of the evening."

Cody had his fingers crossed behind his back, Heather gave them the kill gesture, Justin was sweating, and Sierra was biting her nails like crazy, and Chris loved every moment of it.

"The eagle goes to… going once… going twice… my mother told me to pick the very best one… Sierra."

Sierra breathed a huge sigh of relief as she claimed her eagle.

"Justin, I'm afraid the people have spoken."

Justin was given his t-shirt and was sent out on the handcart.

"The rest of you are safe… for tonight."

In the first class car Team Justice was enjoying the movies and their ice cream cake.

"Here it comes…" said Harold.

"I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!" they all said at once.

"Hey John, before I forget this arrived for you today."

Chris handed John a DVD with a message that read, "To my jolly sailor bold. For your eyes only."

"I thought we weren't allowed to make contact with the rest of the world while on the show."

"Well… your girlfriend can be a real pain the neck sometimes."

John took the disc to his own compartment to play it.

"Wow…"

Courtney was lying on a beach dressed as a mermaid while the sun was setting. Then she started singing.

Upon one summer's morning, I carelessly did stray,

Down by the Walls of Wapping, where I met a sailor gay,

Conversing with a young lass, who seem'd to be in pain,

Saying, William, when you go, I fear you will ne'er return again.

His hair it does in ringlets hang, his eyes as black as sloes,

May happiness attend him wherever he may go,

From Tower Hill, down to Blackwall, I will wander, weep and moan,

All for my jolly sailor bold, until he does return.

My father is a merchant—the truth I will now tell,

And in great London City in opulence doth dwell,

His fortune doth exceed ₤300,000 in gold,

And he frowns upon his daughter, 'cause she loves a sailor bold.

A fig for his riches, his merchandize, and gold,

True love has grafted my heart; give me my sailor bold:

Should he return in poverty, from o'er the ocean far,

To my tender bosom, I'll fondly press my jolly tar.

My sailor is as smiling as the pleasant month of May,

And oft we have wandered through Ratcliffe Highway,

Where many a pretty blooming girl we happy did behold,

Reclining on the bosom of her jolly sailor bold.

Come all you pretty fair maids, whoever you may be

Who love a jolly sailor bold that ploughs the raging sea,

While up aloft, in storm or gale, from me his absence mourn,

And firmly pray, arrive the day, he home will safe return.

My name it is Maria, a merchant's daughter fair,

And I have left my parents and three thousand pounds a year,

My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold,

There is nothing can console me but my jolly sailor bold.

Confessional Car: John

"If you're watching this Courtney, I miss you too… a whole lot. I miss you too a whole lot? Come on, I can do better than that."

Aww… isn't that cute. Will Team Justice be able to keep this winning streak going, and if they can't who will they boot? Will Sarah be forced to face her fear of water? Will Sierra be able to trick Cody before she gets the boot, and if she does will Cody give her the combination or opt for the cart?

The only way to find out is to keep on watching us right here on Total… Drama… American Tour!

"That was way too close for comfort."

Sierra was finding it very difficult to get any sleep, not just because she had to spend the night in the economy class accommodations, but because she had almost been eliminated. If that had happened she would have lost her chance to make Cody her own. Nothing that happened today went according to plan. Cody was supposed to solve the code, spell his name backwards twice, and then it wouldn't have mattered if they lost the challenge, because she would have won something a lot sweeter than a million dollars. But Cody didn't say or spell his name backwards, and a lot of people on Team Liberty wanted to boot Sierra, she was saved only because Justin had accidentally led them into a cave with a giant alligator inside, prompting them to eliminate him instead.

"Cody was still too cautious anyway… I'll try again later… when he least suspects it… But we can't lose this next challenge."

When morning came the campers found themselves aroused by another usual wake up call. Only this time it sounded like a battle of cowboys and Native Americans.

"What is this?" asked Sarah with Pearl jumping into her arms "Custer's last stand?"

"Meow…"

"Nah partner." said Chris coming into the car dressed like a cowboy "We've just arrived in the state where everything's big, Texas!"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"Well, it's that renegade cowboy Killer McLean!"

"Will we be roping up cattle again?" asked Duncan.

"No, I've got something a lot more fun for you to do today."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Anyone who's been a fan of Total Drama as long as I have knows that Chris has a very strange definition of fun."

The train seemed to be heading into the middle of nowhere; that is to say they only seemed to be going deeper and deeper into the desert.

"Hey Abe!" bellowed George "Where are you Abe! I'm losing my patience!"

Confessional Car: Beth

"Who is this Abe he keeps talking about?"

Confessional Car: Cody

"If I had to take a guess, I'd say it's his seeing-eye dog."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Maybe he's just a little running gag."

Confessional Car: Heather

"That old man is crazy, He claims to have fought in World War II, Korea, Vietnam, and participated in the Invasion of Afghanistan. He'd have to be over ninety years old at least. I suppose next he'll be telling us he spent ten years in the orients, where he met a snow woman and fell in love. Or better yet, he'll tell us that he's the real father of Anna Nicole's child, after all he claims to have slept with five different women who were voted FHM's sexiest woman in the world."

When the train finally stopped the campers saw that they were still in the middle of the desert.

"Like I said campers, everything in Texas is big, including today's challenge."

Chris took a needle out of his pocket.

"You see this needle? Take a good look at it."

Chris gave the campers five minutes to stare at the needle.

"Chef, do the honors."

Chef took the needle and drove off in a jeep. He went behind a huge rock formation to the south east. He came back ten minutes later.

"We're all set Chris."

"Should we even ask what the challenge is?" asked Bridgette.

"Let's just say it'll be like trying to find a needle in a haystack."

Confessional Car: Leshawna

"Oh boy… I don't like where this is going."

Chef drove the campers behind the rock formation, that's when their eyes were met with a haystack the size of a landfill pile.

"The first camper to find the needle wins invincibility and a big Texas dinner for their team."

"Why do you have to be so cruel?"

"Don't worry, you'll be given metal detectors to use, otherwise we might be out here all week. Now get to searching."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"I better just focus on the challenge, from the looks of things I won't be getting a chance to trick Cody today… Unless there's a way to get him to spell his name backwards twice in the hay… nah."

It didn't take long for Lindsay's metal detector to go off. She thought she had found the needle already, but for some reason the other members of Team Liberty weren't as excited about it as her.

"What?"

"Lindsay, that's a bucket." said Heather.

"Oh yeah, I forgot to mention…" said Chris with a big smile on his face "There are a few other things hidden in there with the needle."

As if the digging through a mountain of hay wasn't enough, the blazing sun was out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It didn't take long for John to change out of his costume.

Confessional Car: John

"And I just cleaned this thing, now it's going to smell like a locker room for a week."

Confessional Car: Owen

"I kept reminding myself about why I was doing this in the first place. Firstly it was for Izzy; secondly the thought of an enormous barbeque was making my mouth water."

After four hours the campers were dripping in sweat, and all they had found was Lindsay's bucket, some wires, scissors, six forks, a copper pipe, a fake leg, some nuts and bolts, and a whole lot of pennies.

"Lunch break!" said Chef ringing a cowbell.

"Well it's about time…" said Gwen "It's two o'clock."

Unfortunately for the campers lunch consisted of bread, water with no ice in it, and baked beans."

"Whatever happened to the four basic food groups?" asked Sarah.

"I think they killed each other." said Chris taking a big sip of lemonade.

Confessional Car: Sarah

"I don't care if he is the host of the show… I may have to hurt that guy."

Now the campers weren't just shifting through enormous piles of hay in the hot sun, but now they just kept farting and farting.

"Uh… waiter… check please."

With that Leshawna passed out.

"Woman down! Medic!"

Confessional Car: DJ

"At this point I don't care who finds the needle first… I just hope somebody finds it before we all die of heat stroke or something."

"Come on you bunch of sissies! This is nothing!" said George "I used to march ten miles through rain, heat, and snow six days a week to work in the steel mill!"

"Was that before or after you fought in World War II?" asked Duncan sarcastically.

As the sun began to set, the remaining campers all looked like they were on the verge of collapsing from exhaustion.

"Did anyone ever search the area where Leshawna was looking?" asked Bridgette.

"It's must be there!"

All the campers converged on the area where Leshawna had passed out hours earlier.

"You know Big-O… you look really sexy when you're all sweaty like that." said Izzy.

"Really? Well… you look hot with your hair all full of hay."

"If we weren't on different teams I'd ask you for a roll in the hay…"

Lindsay walked right past Owen and Izzy when her metal detector went off.

"Guy's… what the heck is this?"

"Wait a minute… holy crap that's the needle!"

Chris and Chef came over to take a look.

"Yes it is! Lindsay wins one for Liberty!"

"Yay…"

Normally the members of Team Liberty would have been a lot more enthusiastic, but they were just too exhausted.

"Team Justice, what can I say? I'll see you in the caboose within the hour."

Confessional Car: Owen

"Why do I get the feeling I'm in trouble?"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Owen was practically standing on that thing!"

Confessional Car: Geoff

"Give the big guy a break; he was just talking to his girl. I would have done the same thing."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"If Leshawna hadn't passed out, this torture probably would have ended hours ago. Isn't that right Pearly?"

"Meow."

Fifteen minutes after placing their votes in the Ballot Box of Death, the members of Team Justice were gathered in the caboose.

"It's time once again for the anxiety inducing elimination challenge! You've all cast your votes and made your decision. If you don't get an eagle you will have to take a ride on the Handcart of Losers and you can never ever come back."

"Just hurry up and pass them out." said Gwen "I want to go to bed."

"Then you better hope you get one… The first eagle goes to… Harold."

"Booyah!"

"Bridgette… John… Duncan… Geoff… Sarah… and… Gwen."

Apparently Owen and Leshawna still had a little sweat left, even after the challenge.

"Scared? You should be… because the camper who doesn't get this eagle leaves TDAT with nothing but a stupid t-shirt."

Chris took a moment to let the suspense build.

"The eagle goes to… Owen."

"Yeah! Staying alive!"

"Leshawna, the people have spoken."

"Oh well… Goodbye guys, see ya at the finale!"

Owen was glad to still be in the game, but his joy was drowned out by the deep growling in his chest.

"Aw man…"

He could tell by the smell in the air that Team Liberty was enjoying all kinds of meat up in first class.

"I should've paid more attention…"

When Owen opened his king-sized capsule he saw that there was a box inside that smelled of barbeque.

"Aww… smells so good."

Before he opened it he noticed that there as a note attached.

For the boy who's sweeter than any ribs.

Okay, this is getting too sweet. I may need to take things up a notch for the next challenge. Will Sierra be able to trick Cody? How much longer can Heather stay in the game? How much longer can Izzy and Owen stand being on different teams? How much longer before the campers decide to turn on the only two campers on this train who are actually Americans?

To find out, join us next time on Total… Drama… American Tour!

Christina McLean was slowly pacing the room where she was allowed to perform her exercises. So far she was unimpressed with Chris' attempts to do a better show than her, but she knew it paid to be thorough. She had made her brother look like a total idiot at the start of the season with those cue cards. But her plan to get Cody eliminated early in the game succeed. When she found out about the game Cody had agreed to play with Sierra she sought a way to turn it to her advantage. She knew that Cody was one of the more popular characters, and if Cody lost the game then she knew it was highly improbable that he would actually give Sierra the combination to the lock on his chastity belt, and as a result he would be eliminated from the season, and much fewer people would stay to watch. Unfortunately she had underestimated Cody's intelligence; so far he had outwitted Sierra several times.

"A minor setback…"

Team Liberty wasn't going to eliminate Sierra just yet, she knew more about the campers on Team Justice than anyone else, and Team Liberty was running out of smart people. There was still plenty of time for her to figure out how to get Cody eliminated. There was one camper who was even more popular that she had to figure out how to take down.

"John…"

John wasn't just the first and only cancer survivor on Total Drama; he was one of the only campers on the show that was actually an American. But getting him booted wasn't going to be easy. After the merge he would probably be one of the first people the others would try to boot, but in TDH he had won almost every challenge, and knowing Chris he might just fix the votes or something after the merge.

"Maybe I could have my people take his mother, sister, and girlfriend hostage… No I have enough counts of kidnapping on my resume… It's time for something different."

"Alright Miss McLean, up against the wall."

"Was that an hour already?"

"Yes it was, now get up against the wall and keep your hands where I can see them."

"I know the routine Zack; we've been doing this for months."

"Talk back again, and I'll shoot you."

"Oh Zachary… You really should learn how to shut your big mouth; it could get you into a lot of trouble."

"I hate those chambers." said Gwen as the campers were sitting down for breakfast "Whenever I wake up I think I'm dead."

"We'll just have to make sure we win the next challenge then."

"What is the next challenge anyway?" asked Bridgette.

"It's usually the first thing Chris brings up when he wakes us."

"Cassandra, when are we going to get to… wherever it is we're going?" asked John.

"We had to make a few stops to refuel last night, but I imagine we should be there within a couple hours."

"A few stops?"

"The train runs partially on solar power, which is difficult for it to do in the middle of the night. So we had to use several alternative energy sources"

"Solar power? I thought Chris said the power source for this train was experimental."

"The plasma drive is an experimental source of clean energy. It generates more than enough power for the train, but if we overclock it then it might overheat and explode."

"Uh… when you say explode, do you mean… boom?"

"Yes Lindsay, boom. But that's why I'm here; to make sure that doesn't happen. The train has been running smoothly since the season started.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"That's comforting…"

"Okay campers, today's challenge takes us to the golden state and the entertainment capital of the world. That's right; we're going to Hollywood Los Angeles, California!"

Confessional Car: John

"It's only the fifth challenge, and we've already gone from New York to L.A."

"Back in season two your challenges were based on movie genres. For those of you that were with us at the time, prepare for some nostalgia. For those of you that weren't with us, it's time to see what you missed. Cassandra…"

"The Wheel of Genre program is set Chris."

"Excellent, spin the wheel!"

The campers watched the screen as a virtual wheel span like a whirlpool and stopped.

"The genre is horror."

"I was hoping you guys would get that one."

Chris took the campers to a movie set that was meant for a horror movie.

"Since the randomly selected genre was horror, your challenge will be to face… the terrifying… the deadly… the unstoppable… FRANKEN-WOLFULA!"

"Franken what?" asked Sarah.

"Franken-Wolfula! The monstrous reanimated half werewolf half vampire, also known as a werepire or vamwolf."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Sounds like Chris has been watching too many trashy horror movies."

Confessional Car: Heather

"Vamwolf? There's no such thing as a vamwolf. And there's no such thing as albinos either."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Okay, reanimated werewolves I can deal with, but how can you be half vampire and half werewolf? Well… I supposed you could stick body parts of vampires and werewolves together, but considering that they're mortal enemies I think the parts would be incompatible and the reanimated would just die."

"Franken-Wolfula is wandering this movie lot; your challenge is to find a way to kill him before he gets you. You will each be given a device that acts as a map and a monitor for the monster's health points. Whenever you do something that actually hurts him he loses health points. The first person to kill him wins invincibility for their team. The question is… how do you kill a reanimated werepire? You're going to have to run around the lot and find out for yourself."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"I think a shotgun loaded with silver bullets would suffice, but I doubt Chris has left us any."

"What happens if neither team is able to kill him before he gets us?" asked Cody.

"Then nobody wins invincibility, and both teams will have to vote someone off."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Wow! There's never been a pre-merge double elimination before!"

"Chris, I don't think we can all fit both teams in the economy capsules." said Cassandra.

"If it comes to that, I'm sure Cody and I can share a capsule…" said Sierra.

"That won't be necessary." said Cody "I've seen my fair share of horror movies, and I think I know what to do."

"And don't even think of ruining this challenge for us." said Heather "Or I guarantee you'll be the one that gets eliminated."

"Okay campers that's enough talk, let's get this show on the road!"

"So… any ideas?" asked Geoff.

"I think we should stick to silver bullets." said Gwen.

"I thought silver only worked on werewolves, this thing is part vampire."

"Silver works on vampires too."

"Knowing Chris it probably won't be that simple."

"Bridgette's right, we need should try several different ideas and see what works."

"Harold and Owen, you come with me." said John "The rest of you find something that can stop a vampire, werewolf, or Frankenstein monster."

Meanwhile the members of Team Liberty were trying to come up with their own plan.

"What are we fighting again?" asked Lindsay.

"A reanimated werepire."

"What's a werepire?"

"Oh it's a big ugly hairy beast with wings that eats… anything in… sight." said Tyler.

"Oh come on, it's just Chef in a costume." said Heather.

"That's not the point."

"So what's the plan Cody?" asked Sierra.

"Well… I don't really know."

"I thought you said you were an expert on horror movies!" said Heather.

"There's never been a movie about reanimated half werewolf half vampire."

"Chris did say there as a way to kill him somewhere on the lot… But splitting up is never a good thing to do in a horror movie."

The campers made their way across the lot in groups looking for anything that might be useful, suddenly…

"AHHH!"

Heather fell down a pit that was concealed in the middle of the lot.

"Oh no! A big blow to Team Liberty as Heather falls down the bottomless pit and is rendered useless for the rest of the challenge!"

"What the heck Chris?"

"What's a horror movie without a random pit trap?"

Confessional Car: Heather

"Why do Alejandro and I keep coming back to this show?"

The movie lot had more horror movie sets than the campers expected.

"Castle Dracula… Castle Frankenstein… zombie graveyard… werewolf cabin… but no sign of our guy anywhere…" said Izzy.

"What does a werepire look like?" asked Lindsay.

"I don't know, I've never seen one."

"Then how will we know it when we see it?"

"Well… he'd probably look something like that."

"ROOOAAAAR!"

"REANIMATED WEREPIRE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" screamed Cody.

All the members of Team Liberty took off running, except for DJ who was frozen on the spot.

Confessional Car: Chef

"That kid really needs to man up."

"Cody is this one of those times when it's good to split up in a horror movie?" asked Sierra.

"Yes!"

"We'll meet back at the gate!" said Izzy "He can't kill all of us!"

"Why can't he kill all of us?" asked Tyler.

"Good question."

Lindsay, Tyler, and Beth all ran off in one direction, while Cody, Sierra, and Izzy ran another way. Chef figured the first three were easier prey.

"Come on… I know I learned something in school…" said Tyler.

After running through about three movie sets Tyler finally saw something that looked useful.

"Yes!"

Tyler picked up a huge shovel and snapped the wooden pole against the wall, then turned to face the costumed Chef.

"Get back! Back I say!"

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"My Tyler is so brave…"

Chef didn't even slow down, so Tyler shoved the wooden pole into his gut, but for some reason Chef's health bar didn't go down at all.

"What? Why didn't that work?"

"You missed my heart. Plus I'm only half vampire, and you're mincemeat!"

Lindsay quickly looked around and saw a bucket of water.

"Let go of my boyfriend you creepy ghoul!"

Lindsay threw the water in Chef's face, but his health bar didn't go down at all.

"Aren't you supposed to melt?"

"That's the wicked witch…"

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Now he tells me…"

"Guy's according to this Liberty has already lost half their people." said Harold.

"Okay, everyone get ready. Remember, it doesn't matter who kills him, we just need to make sure that whoever does is on our team."

Duncan, Gwen, and Sarah had managed to find some prop shotguns, now they just needed to find some ammo.

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Why is it so hard to find fake silver bullets on a movie lot that shoots horror movies?"

"Whoa!"

"What! What is it?" asked Sarah.

"Stay away from the doors and windows!" said Gwen.

"Why?"

"Don't you watch horror movies? You need to keep your back to the wall, a wall that no one can break through or shove a knife through."

"I don't think that rule applies in this situation…"

"Why not?"

"Because he's right above us."

Chef came swooping down on some wires.

"Run!"

Duncan and Gwen took off in one direction and Sarah took off in another, she kept running and running until.

"AHHH!"

Sarah fell down the same pit that Team Liberty passed earlier and landed on top of Heather.

Smack!

They instantly flew off each other.

"YUCK!"

"EWW!"

"BLAH!"

"Oh my god!" exclaimed Chris "Please tell me you got that!"

"I got it!"

"Awesome!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"That didn't happen, she doesn't exist!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"As if it wasn't bad enough to be the first person on Justice to lose the challenge wasn't bad enough."

"We just lost Sarah." said Owen looking at his monitor.

"Okay then, you and Harold stay here, I'll draw him in."

John made his way down the watching and listening for any sign of his quarry.

Confessional Car: John

"Too bad its Chef in a costume instead of another virtual simulation like in Shipwreck, otherwise I could just use my swords to deal with this thing."

"Down on your bones and pray dragon boy…"

John turned and faced the hulking hairy green horror.

"If anyone should be praying… it's you!"

John took off and ran in the opposite direction. He had one huge advantage over Chef; the monster costume looked like it was designed only to ensure that it scared people, but John's White Dragon armor was designed for action as well as style.

Confessional Car: Harold

"When they made the original Godzilla, the actor could only stay in the costume for five minutes without passing out. Something tells me Chef was feeling a little hot under the mask as John lured him into our trap."

John lured Chef back to the fake church where he and the others had set their trap.

"Hey Ramotith! Take this!"

Harold shot at Chef with a squirt gun.

"Water? The stereotypical dumb blonde already tried that."

"That was holy water mixed with garlic you fool!" said Owen.

"Does it look like I'm hurt?"

John and the others looked at their monitors and saw that Chef's health bar hadn't changed at all.

"Aw hell…"

"Prepare yourselves for digestion!"

Owen seemed to have forgotten that this was only a challenge, because he grabbed a nearby flask of oil and poured some of it on one of John's swords and the rest on the ground. The he picked up one of the candles and shattered it.

"Get back! Back I say!"

"Are you crazy?"

"I said get back!"

Confessional Car: John

"Owen was probably just a little caught up in the moment."

Confessional Car: Owen

"I'm embarrassed… I'm supposed to be Total Drama All-Star, and here I am looking like a total lunatic."

Meanwhile Beth finally caught up with the rest of Team Liberty's surviving campers.

"Where are Lindsay and Tyler?" asked Sierra.

"They didn't make it."

"Well, then I guess it's up to us." said Cody.

"But how do you kill a monster that's part vampire, part werewolf, and part Frankenstein?"

"How about a flamethrower!" said Izzy.

Confessional Car: Cody

"Izzy with a flamethrower? I don't want to be around when that happens."

"There's only one way to kill a reanimated werepire…"

"George?"

"You know how to kill that thing?" asked Beth.

"Sure, I fought one back in WWII. There I was in Paris surrounded by Nazis when our reinforcements arrived. Them cowardly fascists took off like a bunch of deer shouting things no one could understand when one of them…"

"George, just tell us how we can beat it."

"Okay… you kids today are so impatient. Here's what you've got to do… If you're a boy you need to put on a flowing white garment, like a priest's robe. You ladies will need to put on your bathing suits. Then when the beast comes after you, you've got to say Frankenstein backwards while waving around some silver torches that have been laced in garlic."

"Did you make that up?" asked Cody.

"Do you want to win this challenge or not?"

"Is there any other way?" asked Beth.

"Well… You could have the boy strip down to your birthday suit, give him a silver blade that's been laced in garlic and is on fire, and cleave him in half."

"What?"

"Why do I have to get naked?" asked Cody.

"I don't make the rules kid. I'd rather see some crazy babes running around myself."

"Do you have a silver blade handy?" asked Sierra looking hopeful.

"Give me the robe." said Cody.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Damn it!"

While the members of Team Liberty prepared their trap, Team Justice had just lured Chef into an ambush of their own.

"Eat silver hairy!" bellowed Geoff.

The shotguns were fake, and the silver bullets were just pellets that had been spray-painted silver, but that wasn't the reason they weren't having any effect on Chef's health bar.

"Sorry kids, I'm only half werewolf."

"But it works on vampires too!" said Gwen.

"Obviously you haven't seen Franken-Wolfula rises from the grave. Werepires can't be killed the same way twice."

"You and Chris have definitely been watching too many trashy horror movies." said Duncan.

Confessional Car: Chef

"What? Franken-Wolfula rises from the grave is a classic!"

"Hey! Frankenstein! Over here!" said Beth.

Chef went after Beth because she looked like much easier prey than all the members of Justice.

"Here he comes! Is everyone ready?"

"Everyone here is set to kill a monster." said Izzy.

Confessional Car: Cody

"I look like a choir boy in this thing… Guess it's better than the alternative."

Beth lured Chef to the mummy's tomb set, when he was inside Beth threw the switch to trap him inside.

"Now!"

Sierra and Izzy jumped out in their bathing suits, and Cody came out in a white robe. They all had silver torches in hand.

"Nietsneknarf! Nietsneknarf! Nietsneknarf!"

Chef just kept advancing, so Beth took a quick look at her monitor.

"It's not working!"

"But we followed the instructions! We got the torches, garlic, bathing suits, robe; we're saying Frankenstein backwards…"

"AHHH!"

Suddenly Chef's health bar went down by ten points.

"I get it!" exclaimed Izzy "You don't say Frankenstein backwards, you say Frankenstein backwards!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"Makes about as much sense as anything else on this show."

"Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards! Frankenstein backwards!"

Chef's health bar dropped down to zero.

"Team Liberty wins!" exclaimed Chris.

Confessional Car: John

"Two eliminations in a row? What is wrong with me?"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I honestly don't know who to vote for, we all kinda blew it."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Some people would think this is anybody's elimination, but as a certified expert on Total Drama I think I can safely assume that John is probably the only person on Team Justice who is safe."

While Team Liberty went to the first class car to enjoy a monster movie marathon, the members of Team Justice placed their votes in the ballot box of death.

"Well campers, it's been one heck of a day. None of your plans to kill Franken-Wolfula worked, Owen went a little nuts, but let's watch my favorite part again."

Chris brought down the screen to show them the scene where Sarah fell on top of Heather.

"Oh my god!" laughed Duncan.

"I don't think big Al is gonna be too happy about that."

"For the last time, it was not a kiss!" said Sarah.

"If you say so… There are only seven eagles on this tray tonight, the camper who does not get an eagle…"

"Must get on the Handcart of Losers and leave, we know the drill."

"Spoilsport… Anyway, the first eagle goes to… Owen…Duncan… Bridgette… John… Gwen… and… Sarah."

That left only Geoff and Harold.

"Campers… this is the final eagle of the evening."

Harold and Geoff were both on the edge of their seats.

"The eagle goes to… Harold."

"Phew…"

"Aww man…"

"Geoff, the people have spoken."

"It's okay Geoffy, I'll win the million for us."

"I'll still love you even if you don't."

"Very touching." said Chris "Now get out of here."

"What's wrong with me?"

John's team had lost two challenges in a row; it wasn't really his fault, but it was still kinda discouraging.

Confessional Car: John

"Maybe it's just because these challenges aren't Halo based and it's not boys against girls, but that's still no reason for us to lose two challenges in a row."

John was constantly reminded of all the poor kids with cancer that looked up to him. Some of them were strong enough to make it, but it wasn't until recently that he had actually seen one of them die. He would never forget the look on Jimmy's face. John could explain everything about cancer after his own experience, but didn't know how to respond when a person asked him why he was going to have to die. You could sugarcoat it with stories about what a wonderful afterlife God had prepared for his people, but that didn't change the fact that he wasn't going to have a first date, go to college, get a job, get married, or have children of his own someday.

"You're the bravest person I've ever known… and I'm going to help you through this."

The next day Jimmy was given last rites, after which he asked if he could see his Lord of the Rings extended cut DVDs. John and Courtney had joined Jimmy along with his parents. Though he said they were by far his favorite movies they had trouble keeping Jimmy from falling asleep, but whenever they woke him up he reassured them that he wouldn't dream of dying in the middle of the trilogy. After the final scene of Return of the King he smiled and asked if they would sing for him.

"What would you like to hear?"

"Roads Go Ever, Ever On… from Rankin and Bass' animated version."

"I don't know that one."

Since Courtney and Jimmy's parents didn't know the song John started them off.

"Roads go ever, ever on… to the lands beyond the sea… on a white ship will I sail… watching shadows part for me."

After that Courtney and Jimmy's parents followed his lead, and Jimmy began to fall asleep again… or so it seemed.

"The roads I've traveled I must leave… for I've turned the final bend… Weep not empty tears but grieve… as the road comes to an end… It's so easy not to try… let the world go drifting by… if you never say hello… you won't have to say goodbye…"

John had never seen someone die. He had been too young at the time to remember the death of his grandfather, and his father had died in a car accident while he was at school. After his own experience with cancer there was a time when he was afraid of anything that even remotely had anything to do with death. He knew that Jimmy didn't have much time left, but he wasn't entirely prepared for it.

"I'm sorry I won't get to see you on the next season of Total Drama… But maybe they have TVs in heaven… I want you to have this…"

"What's this for?"

"My parents gave it to me… it's Gygo the Ring of Victory… I want you to have it… because you're my hero…"

Confessional Car: John

"I don't care what the next challenge is; I'm going to make sure we win it. This looks like a job for…"

(Runs off and changes)

"Darth Vader! Whoops… wrong costume."

For some reason when the campers woke up the next day the train wasn't moving at all.

"What is the freaking hold up?" asked Duncan.

"Someone tried hacking into the system late last night." said Cassandra "We're currently debugging everything to make sure we don't have an accident."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Like I said earlier, at least we're keeping our feet on the ground this season."

It was about an hour before the train was moving again.

"Okay campers, we're back on track. Pun intended." said Chris.

"How long before we reach our destination?"

"About an hour."

After an hour of racing across the desert the campers finally saw a sign of civilization.

"Is that what I think it is?"

"That's right campers; today's challenge takes place in Las Vegas, Nevada!"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"So… We're in Sin City."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I am not spending another night in those coffins. Whatever Chris has planned, I'm gonna do."

"Welcome to the Vegas' newest hotel, the Sky-Buster!"

The Sky-Buster must've been over a hundred stories high, because the campers couldn't even see the top.

"Today's challenge is threefold! The team that wins two out of three rounds gets to enjoy a huge Vegas style all you can eat buffet in the first class car tonight. And as always, the losers will be giving one of their own a humiliating ride on the Hand Cart of Shame!"

"So what's the first challenge?"

"Las Vegas is also known as Sin City, which made it ideal to be the setting for CSI. For the first part of the challenge you will be investigating a murder scene."

"Murder?" exclaimed Beth and Lindsay.

"Relax; it's just a couple of our interns dripping in fake blood."

Confessional Car: Cody

"I've seen plenty of episodes of CSI, and it's not always murder."

Chris brought the campers to the top floor, where there were only two rooms.

"Both rooms have dead interns in them, the first team to figure out who killed them wins the round."

When the doors opened all the girls screamed at the sight of the interns lying in a pool of blood. DJ actually fainted.

Confessional Car: Chris

"Didn't I just say this was fake? Those campers will scream at anything, which is good for my paycheck."

"Don't touch anything." said John "The first thing we do is observe, then we take pictures."

On Cody's suggestion the campers of Team Liberty were doing the same thing.

"Well… We don't need a coroner to tell us the cause of death."

"He was shot in the heart, but from which direction?"

"Why does it matter?" asked Heather.

"The little details are often what separates an unsolved mystery from a closed case."

Cody looked around and saw that there was no bullet hole in the window.

"Whoa…"

"What is it Cody?"

"Have you noticed how high we are?"

"But I don't take drugs." said Lindsay.

"Not that kind of high…"

Some of the others came over to the window and noticed that Las Vegas was nothing but a bunch of miniature lights way down on the ground. DJ fainted again.

"I'm suddenly very dizzy." said Beth.

Confessional Car: Heather

"I am amazed we were able to win two challenges in a row with a team full of losers."

Meanwhile in Team Justice's room John was observing some footprints that didn't belong to the intern.

"Our killer is about a size nine and a half, his shoes are old and worn, and he… has a… hole in the left sole."

"What color are they?" asked Owen.

"How is he supposed to tell that from a footprint?" said Sarah.

"How do you know the shoes are old and worn?"

John stomped his foot. His shoe left a huge indent in the carpet.

"Because the indents from the killer's shoes are almost non-existent."

Suddenly their intern got up and left.

"What are you doing? Dead people don't get up and walk around!" said Chris.

"They do if they have to take a shit."

"I've figured it out!" exclaimed Sierra from inside Team Liberty's room.

"You know who did it?"

"Indents in the ground besides the footprints were made with a white cane, and this long gray hair could only have come from one person… George!"

"Well… Looks like Team Liberty wins the first round!"

"Wait a minute! How could George have made such a perfect shot?" asked Duncan.'

Confessional Car: George

"When the eyes went the other senses got stronger, speaking of which… Where are ya Abe! I can smell ya all over the place!"

"Okay campers, it's time for the next part of your challenge."

Chris led the campers out onto the balcony.

"Some people come here to Vegas to enjoy a little activity called indoor skydiving, where you put on a strange outfit and levitate a few feet above the ground for a while with the assistance of a really big fan, but we're going to do something a little more interesting…"

Confessional Car: Owen

"I don't like where this is going…"

"Since we are presently standing on the top floor of the tallest hotel in Vegas, you will be skydiving all the way down into the conveniently located pool at the bottom. For each member of your team that jumps and actually survives you will earn a point, the team with the most points wins the round."

The campers looked over the edge of the balcony in disbelief.

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"He's got to be kidding!"

Suddenly Chris' phone started ringing.

"Talk to me baby… uh-huh… I see… The producers aren't going to let me make you do this. So we'll just have to come up with something else for you to do."

Confessional Car: Beth

"Oh thank you God!"

Chris took the campers down to the casino, where there were fourteen TD style slot machines set up for them.

"Don't worry, this is an easy one. All you have to do is keep pulling the lever on your slot machine, and it doesn't even cost you an American penny. The first person to line up three of my head wins the round for their team. Since Team Justice is one member short, Team Liberty needs to sit one person out."

"Like it'll make any difference, it's entirely up to chance."

It didn't take long for Heather to realize that the decision on who would sit out did make a difference.

"I've been playing this thing for over an hour and it hasn't paid off once!" said Tyler.

"That's probably because this is a trash can." said Chris.

"Oh right…"

The campers continued to play their slot machines for hours without so much as lining up two of the same picture.

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Note to self, never gamble."

"Yippe! I won!" exclaimed Izzy "I got three marshmallows! What do I win?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing? What kind of a casino is this?"

"You're supposed to line up three of my head."

"But you only have one head." said Lindsay.

Confessional Car: John

"This is ridiculous, how are we supposed to win this round when it's all up to chance?"

It wasn't long before the sun started to set, and then Las Vegas really came alive out the windows.

"I feel like I'm working in a sweatshop factory…"

No sooner had Gwen said that that her slot machine started dinging.

"Gwen wins one for Justice!"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I don't care about an all you can eat buffet… I just want some coffee."

Confessional Car: Chris

"Hmm… That gives me an idea."

Chris led the campers out of the Sky-Blaster to another one of Vegas' hotels. As they made their way through the streets they admired the scene of the city at night.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"I am so tempted to take Cody to the chapel right now, but if we lose this challenge then Heather will have me eliminated, and that would cut our honeymoon real short…"

"Campers, welcome to Circus – Circus! Home of the world's largest permanent circus!"

"Oh no! You're going to make us walk on the tight rope and do acrobatic feats!" exclaimed Owen.

"No… but that's a good idea. As you know all the world loves a clown, so for this next challenge you will be dressing up as… you guessed it… clowns! The team with the funniest clown wins!"

"There is no way I am dressing up as a freaking clown!" said Duncan.

"I am not spending another night in a box, you're dressing up!" said Gwen.

"Look on the bright side, certain non-existent members of your team will save you a lot of makeup." said Heather.

"Let it go." said John grabbing Sarah by the shoulder "If we win this then odds are she'll be the one going home."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"If she is eliminated… I will laugh like a clown."

The campers' reactions to having to dress up like clowns were mixed. For some reason Izzy and Sierra actually seemed to enjoy it.

"Look everybody, its Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc the clown!" said Sierra.

"You're not supposed to say it. You've got to get me to say it." said Cody.

"Say what?"

"Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc!"

"Ha! You said it!"

"He only said it once; you've got to get him to say or spell it twice in a row." said Chris.

"Yeah, we already agreed that I can say, Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc, all I want as long as I break each, Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc, up."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Darn it! I completely forgot about that."

Soon the campers were all dressed in their clown outfits.

"And the winner is… nobody."

"What?"

"Unfortunately I don't find any of you funny enough. So we'll have to settle this with a tiebreaker."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"So I just dressed up like a clown in front of the entire viewing world for nothing?"

Chris led the campers to yet another part of the city.

"For the tiebreaker both teams must pick a member to walk into this cage and pick up the eagle inside. The first person to bring the eagle out wins invincibility for their team."

"And…"

"That's it."

"What's the catch?" asked Cody.

"There's a fully grown white tiger inside it."

A light came on overhead, revealing that there was indeed a giant white tiger sleeping inside the cage.

"What? This can't be legal!"

Chris' phone rang again. When the person on the other end was done talking he started to whisper something.

"The producers have given us the green light."

"How could they allow this?" asked Heather.

"I've assured them that the beast is harmless."

"Tell that to Roy Horn." said Cody.

The campers who got the joke started laughing.

"Who's Roy Horn?" asked Lindsay.

"You have to pick one person from your teams to go in and get it. Who's it going to be, and don't everyone volunteer at once."

Obviously no one was eager to enter a cage with a live tiger inside, asleep or otherwise.

"I nominate… DJ." said Izzy.

"What? Why me?"

"Because you're the best with animals."

"Excuse me, but I've never been locked in a cage with a tiger before. Why can't Izzy do it?"

"Because I have no plans to die today."

"You get in that cage right now." said Sierra to DJ.

"Absolutely not. You do it!"

"Do it or I guarantee you'll be the one going home." said Heather.

Confessional Car: John

"I said I'd do whatever it took to win this challenge, and I meant it."

While the members of Team Liberty were arguing John entered the cage.

"Holy crap! He's gonna do it!"

"Shh! You'll wake the tiger!" whispered Gwen.

John slowly tiptoed across the floor; unfortunately there were dozens of poker chips scattered about.

"Slowly… slowly."

John stepped on several chips and the tiger stirred.

"Don't… move."

John waited until the tiger lowered its head again.

"Just acknowledge the fear and move on… Just get the job done."

John crept over to the pedestal behind the tiger where the eagle had been placed.

"One… two… three!"

John grabbed the eagle and pulled it off the pedestal. He began to creep back to the door, when suddenly the tiger rose to its feet.

"Get out of there!" exclaimed Owen.

"John, don't move!"

"What's he supposed to do?"

"If you run it will pounce… just back out slowly toward the door."

John slowly made his way to the door step by step, but the tiger kept following him.

"Almost… there!"

John slid out the door and slammed it shut beside him.

"John wins it for Justice! And that's not even the best part."

At that moment the tiger took off its head. It was just Chef in a costume.

"You chickened out over a guy in a suit?" exclaimed Heather.

When the campers returned to the train Team Justice found a huge buffet table waiting for them in the first class car.

Confessional Car: Owen

"At last! Tonight we eat like kings!"

Meanwhile the members of Team Liberty were gathered in the caboose.

"Who wants a symbol of freedom, a symbol of strength and life?"

"Do we have to do this every time?" asked Heather.

"And if you don't get one you've gotta hitch a ride on the Hand Cart of Losers and you can't come back… Ever!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"I'll bet you ten dollars he's full of shit… again."

"The first eagle goes to… Cody... Izzy… Lindsay… Beth… Sierra… and… Heather. That leaves only DJ, who was too scared of Chef in a tiger costume."

Confessional Car: DJ

"How was I supposed to know it was just Chef in a costume? Chris didn't exactly tell us."

"And Tyler, who spent over an hour playing a trash can instead of his slot machine."

Tyler was biting his fingernails like crazy.

"And the eagle goes to… Tyler."

"Yeah! Staying alive!"

"DJ, the people have spoken."

"Oh well… It's been fun guys."

How much longer will Heather stay in the game? Will Sierra be able to trick Cody before either one is eliminated? Who the heck is the Abe that George keeps talking about?

The only way to get the answers is for you to continue to join us right here… on Total… Drama… American Tour!

While the members of Team Justice slept soundly up in first class, most of the girls of Team Liberty were gathered in the dining car.

"All the interns are asleep, all the cameras are off, Heather is fruitlessly trying to sleep in her capsule, and George is sleeping in his corner of the caboose. We're alone." said Izzy.

"Okay ladies, the topic is Heather's relationship with Alejandro." said Sierra.

"What? Shouldn't we be talking about getting her eliminated?" asked Beth.

"We can eliminate her any day of the week. If you count Tyler and my precious Cody-wody there are six of us and only one of her."

"Point taken… but what's so interesting about her relationship with Alejandro?"

"After TDH they were in a love-hate relationship, but they've gotten a lot more lovey-dovey since last Halloween. I'm curious as to why."

"Maybe the trauma of Christina's game made something snap?"

"Not a chance, if anything they pretend the whole thing didn't happen. Izzy, what do you think?"

Last Halloween Izzy used her experience to deduce what went down between John and Courtney on their vacation to the Caribbean. Sierra was eager to hear her take on Heather and Alejandro.

"Well… Heather isn't wearing any new rings. And since she's not shoving down junk food or having mood swings, I think we can safely assume she's not pregnant."

"How does that happen again?" asked Lindsay.

"I'll tell you later." said Beth "I don't think Heather would have… gotten down to business… even with someone like Alejandro. She's too fond of herself for that."

"Exactly… she's not the kind of girl who would give it up willingly." replied Izzy with a big smile on her face.

"What are you saying?"

"That he raped her and she enjoyed it."

"What?"

"That is ridiculous, why would Alejandro do that?"

"Two reasons. Firstly to get revenge for what she did to him in season three, and secondly for pleasure."

"And why would Heather still be in a relationship with him? For that matter, why wouldn't he be in jail?"

"Because she enjoyed it. It's the Stockholm syndrome."

"The what?" asked Lindsay.

"Put simply, it's when a woman falls in love with her kidnapper, or in this case the man who raped her."

"This is bigger than I expected!" said Sierra.

"Whoa! Let's not go nuts!" said Beth "I know this is Alejandro we're talking about, but rape is a serious crime. Let's not go labeling someone a sex offender until we know the facts."

"What do you want me to do?" asked Sierra "Walk over to Heather's capsule and ask her if anyone's ever violated her sexually?"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"Ha! That'd be a pleasant little chat."

Once again when the campers woke up in the morning the train wasn't moving.

"What's wrong now?" asked Heather.

"The tracks are damaged; we'll be unable to reach our destination until they're fixed."

Cassandra brought up images of the train tracks on the monitors.

"Whoa… someone had fun." said Duncan.

"Actually, I believe the damage was caused by the recent seismic activity in this area. I'm surprised the train tracks in this area aren't better built to handle these situations, considering how often they are out here."

"We're still out west?"

"Yes, but I am not at liberty to discuss when we shall return to the east."

There was nothing the campers could do but kill time until the tracks were repaired. It was a lot easier for Team Justice since they had the luxuries of the first class car. Sierra tried to keep herself busy by trying to come up with a way to trick Cody.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"My Cody is soooo smart… It's too bad that's going to be the problem."

It seemed like forever before the train started moving again. It was nearly three in the afternoon before they reached their destination.

"Campers, welcome to the Emerald City! We're in Seattle, Washington! Home of Grunge, the Space Needle, Microsoft, and most importantly… Starbucks!"

"You forgot to say Twilight." said Beth.

"Real vampires don't sparkle." said Duncan.

Sarah started to advance on him.

"I wasn't talking about you!"

John was already in between them.

"Sorry, I wasn't paying attention." she growled.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Seriously, the whole Jacob imprinting on Bella's daughter thing is just wrong."

Confessional Car: Cody

"Stephanie Meyer said she didn't research vampires before she wrote the book; tell us something that isn't obvious."

(Laughs)

"He can't even fly… The pretty boy lovesick Romeo who thinks he's a vampire can't even fly!"

"Is the destination worth the trip?" asked Sarah.

"Don't worry, today's challenge is an easy one, and the reward is a good one."

"So… it won't involve bodily harm?"

"Don't worry Harold; there will be plenty of time for that later. All you have to do today is make me a cup of coffee."

"Uh… what?"

"The number of Starbucks in this country is rivaled only by the number of McDonalds. So today both teams will be given their own kitchen stations where each member must make me their own distinctive cup of coffee. The camper that makes the best cup of coffee wins invincibility for their team, and the members on that team will get to enjoy all the coffee they can drink for the rest of season."

"We need to win this…" said Gwen looking more serious then she had been all season.

Confessional Car: Owen

"What is it with chicks and coffee?"

The teams were taken to their kitchen stations and found that they had a huge selection of ingredients to choose from.

"You have sixty minutes, starting… now!"

"Sierra, do you know what Chris likes in his coffee?"

"Does Cody make my reproductive organs melt?"

"Whoa! Too much information!" said Tyler.

"Does he like it iced?"

"No, he likes his coffee piping hot."

"Piping hot, got it!" said Izzy.

Meanwhile the members of Team Justice were trying to figure out what they were going to do for their own concoctions.

"Hmm… Espresso Macchiato, Vanilla Almond Latte, or White Mocha with a twist?" said Bridgette.

"Oh for god's sake! Coffee is coffee!" said Duncan.

Confessional Car: Owen

"I never knew there were so many different ways a person could make a cup of coffee. Izzy usually just takes hers black. Whenever she has a cup of coffee the whole world seems to slow down except for her. It's awesome…"

"So what's the plan John… John?"

For some reason John was moving all his equipment to another room.

"I will need quiet…"

Confessional Car: John

"I obviously can't use my one special brew, or else Courtney will probably emasculate me… This one ought to do the trick."

For the most part it looked like only the girls knew what they were doing.

"I've done it! I've created the best darn lemonade in the world!"

"Well that's great Tyler, except that you were supposed to make coffee."

"DIOE!"

"Dioe?" asked Cody.

"You know, Dioe, the thing you say when you're stupid."

"No, that's D'oh."

On Team Justice's end John spent the entire time behind his curtains.

"What is he doing in there?"

By the time the hours was almost up, Sarah had had enough and went to see what was going on. Just as she was about to tear the curtains aside John's hand came out and gestured for her to be still.

"Shh! This is the most delicate part of the procedure… Don't… even… breathe…"

"Well… whatever you're doing do it quickly."

"Okay campers, let's send this sample to the lab and see what you're made of!"

Team Liberty was up first. Chris didn't even need to taste Lindsay's concoction before he judged it.

"You're supposed to grind the beans."

"Oh…"

Next up he tried Tyler's.

"Hmm… It's very unusual… what do you call it?"

"Well to be honest… it's pretty much coffee mixed with lemonade."

"Very creative, I'll give you a six out of ten."

For most of the campers Chris was very indifferent, and then he got to Izzy's drink.

"Piping hot, just the way you like it."

"Well see about that."

Chris only took one sip, then his face turned red and steam came out of his ears.

"Water! Wa…"

At that moment a jet stream of fire shot out of his mouth. Chef rushed in and sprayed the area with a fire extinguisher.

"Thanks a lot… what the heck is in this?"

"Nothing much." replied Izzy "Just sugar, some cream, a little caramel for taste, and some jalapeños."

Only the drinks made by Heather and Sierra seemed to please him.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Sierra wrote a book on Chris' life… how are we supposed to beat that? We have to…"

When it was Team Justice's turn Owen offered Chris his concoction first.

"This tastes like toothpaste…"

"Exactly! I call it Colgacino, the coffee that brushes your teeth while you drink. Think of how much people will save on their dental bills!"

"You should have been thinking about winning the game."

Gwen, Bridgette, Sarah, and Harold all failed to get a reaction out of Chris. Then it was Duncan's turn.

"Are you trying to kill me?" he said trying to rub any traces of the drink off his tongue "What did you put in this stuff, battery acid?"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Maybe I just cost us the challenge, but it was so worth it!"

"Looks like it's up to John…"

When John came out with his cup of coffee they were all in for a surprise.

"Wow! It's even got my face on it."

Confessional Car: John

"I knew that skill would come in handy someday. And that's just the icing on the cake."

Chris took one sip and started bouncing off the wall.

"MARVELOUS! STUPENDOUS! PHENOMENAL! EXTRAORDINARY! ASTOUNDING! UNBELIEVABLE! SPECTACULAR! MAGNIFICIENT! FANTASTIC! And it's good too. Team Justice wins!"

"You are a life saver!" said Gwen "But what did you put in that cup?"

"Can you keep a secret?" asked John.

"Yes…"

"So can I."

Confessional Car: Beth

"Well… let's look on the bright side. At least we get to rid of Heather."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Like I'm about to forget what she did to me back in New York. Heather's almost as bad as Alejandro. I wonder what would happen if they had a baby…"

(Falls on the floor and laughs)

As the campers made their way back to the G-1000 it started to rain.

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Rain makes it perfect… the flood from heaven."

The members of Team Liberty cast their votes and gathered in the caboose.

Confessional Car: Heather

"It's got to be Lindsay; at least the rest of us had the common sense to grind the beans."

"Six campers have already been eliminated, and tonight we're going to make it seven." said Chris with his usual smile "After tonight there will be only three more challenges until the merge. I hope you kept that in mind while voting."

"Just read it!" said George "People are trying to sleep here!"

"Okay… You've all cast your votes and made your decision. There are only six eagles on this tray… The camper who does not receive an eagle must hitch a ride on the Hand Cart of Losers, ride down the track in the rain, and you can't come back… ever!"

"Is there a poncho for the loser to wear?" asked Cody.

"Nope, just their free t-shirt."

Confessional Car: Cody

"I had to ask… But then again I guess I don't really need to worry about it."

"The first eagle goes to… Tyler… Sierra… Cody… Izzy… and… Lindsay."

Heather was looking really nervous, and Beth along with the rest of the girls each had a big smile on her face.

"Campers… this is the last eagle of the evening."

The members of Team Justice were watching the whole thing unravel from the TVs in the first class car, but Sarah was waiting outside the caboose to have her last laugh. She kept her fingers crossed as Chris let the dramatic music roll.

"Well? We're waiting…" said George at last.

"The eagle goes to…Heather!"

"What!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Beth got the most votes, which means she loses."

"But that's impossible!" said Sierra "I know for a fact that five of us didn't vote her off."

"Well… tough cookies, my hands are tied."

"What are you staring at me for?" asked Heather "I didn't do anything."

"Do you really expect us to believe that?"

"Irrelevant." said Chris "Chop-chop."

Beth reluctantly got on the hand cart and road off into the stormy night sky.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"At this rate I won't be able to trick Cody before one of us is eliminated! It's bad enough that we're close to the merge, but with someone rigging the votes I might be next!"

Only three more eliminations until the merge, then it will be every camper for themselves! Who will be the next to take the humiliating ride on Hand Cart of Losers? Who rigged the votes? Will Sierra succeed in her obsessive quest to get Cody to say his name backward? And even if she does will he give her the combination or opt for the Hand Cart?

The only way to find out is for you to keep watching us right here on Total… Drama… American Tour!

Sarah was really disappointed when she heard that Heather hadn't been eliminated. According to the others Heather somehow always managed to stay in the game longer than anyone would expect, the only reason Sarah could fathom was because the other campers were stupid.

"Meow…"

"What is it Pearly?"

Pearl jumped off Sarah's lap and began to make her way to the back of the car. Sierra was waiting for her there with what looked like a piece of meat.

"Come to mamma…"

Before Pearl could get to her Sarah came over and picked her up.

"Did I ever tell you the one about the crazy sugar addict, the cat, and the firing squad?"

"I don't think so, besides I just wanted to get your attention. I need your help with something."

"And why the fuck should I help you?"

"I know we're on different teams, but Chris said there are only three more challenges until the merge. After that it won't matter. Since you're one of the only two campers on this train that's actually an American you're going to need all the friends you can get. You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours… Plus I can pay you a hundred dollars right now."

Sarah took a moment to consider.

"You have my attention."

"On day one Chris said you were good with computers. Is that true?"

"Maybe…"

"Come with me."

Sierra led Sarah to the storage car.

"We're not supposed to go in there!"

"Don't worry, the surveillance system will be down for the next hour and a half, and the best part is that Cassandra doesn't know it. Our work should go unnoticed."

Sarah wondered how Sierra had managed to get a key for the storage car, and how she could possibly fool a highly advanced AI program like Cassandra into thinking that the surveillance was online when it wasn't.

"Ah, here we are."

Sierra had found the virtual pods that Chris had been using since TDS. She took out a huge flash drive and handed it to Sarah.

"I need you to add this to the existing program. It won't affect the outcome of tomorrow's challenge at all, except that my precious Cody will end up spelling his name backwards. Just follow these instructions."

"Where did you get those?"

"Irrelevant. Just do this and I'll be your best friend for the rest of the season."

Sarah took a look at the hardware the pods were hooked up to.

"This isn't exactly a notebook with open source software."

"Can you get into it?"

"Of course I can, I just wanted you to know how kick-ass I am."

Sarah made sure the program Sierra had given her wouldn't have a negative effect on her or her teammates before she did anything.

"While we're on the topic, why are you so obsessed with him?"

"I'm not obsessed! I'm in love!"

"Okay… why are you in love with him?"

"Because it's Cody! I mean, isn't he just the cutest sexiest little thing you've ever seen?"

"No… but I guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

"Well I guess that's a good thing, because if you ever thought of getting with my Cody I would have to kill you."

"I would love to see you try. But here's a piece of advice, men are good for only one thing, aside from that they're worthless."

Sierra was going to tell Sarah the only reason she was saying that was because she'd never get someone to fall for her, but then she remembered what happened to Alejandro back in New York. While Sarah was looking over the program she found something strange.

"Hmm… interesting."

When the campers woke up in the morning Gwen was in much better spirits than she had been all season.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"A hot cup of coffee every morning, this is definitely my season."

Unlike the past few days, the train had been moving smoothly all morning.

"No problems?" asked Cody.

"Nope." replied Cassandra "And it's a good thing too, because our destination is a long way from Seattle."

It was a little past noon when the G-1000 came to a halt.

"Campers, welcome to…"

"ABE!"

"Oh boy…"

George came into the car feeling about with his cane.

"Where are you Abe? It's getting late!"

"As I was saying… Welcome to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, site of the bloodiest battle of the American Civil War, the bloodiest war in U.S. History. If you include both the Union soldiers and the Confederates, then you have a total of 46,286 casualties."

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"Go figure, the bloodiest war the Americans ever fought was on their own soil and against themselves."

"For today's challenge we will be having our own Civil War reenactment. With the help of our virtual pods you will go back in time to the first day of the battle, where you be playing as Union soldiers. Your objective is to fight your way to the Confederate outpost and discover General Lee's plans. After that you are to return to the Union outpost and tell them what you know. If you are killed by Confederate troops you will respawn back that the Union outpost. If you make it to the Confederate outpost you cannot take the plans with you, or else the Confederates will know that you're on to them, so you will have to memorize the map. The first person to make it from the Union outpost to the Confederate outpost and back with the plans wins invincibility for their team."

Confessional Car: John

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Cody's as good as mine!"

The campers entered their capsules. When they opened their eyes they found themselves in a Gettysburg a lot different than the one they had just left.

"Whoa…" said Sarah.

"It's tough to get used to, I know." said Gwen.

"Holy crap…"

"What is it Owen?"

"Over there…"

Everyone looked out at the horizon and saw what made Owen so uneasy.

"What is that?"

"It's the Confederate army…" said John.

"I hope you and Sarah know your American history."

"You do realize that anything we remember from school isn't going to change the fact that there are literally thousands of soldiers in between us and General Lee's plans." said Sarah.

Meanwhile the members of Team Liberty were having similar reactions upon seeing what they were up against.

"Wait a minute… Shouldn't we have our own army?" asked Heather.

Just then Cassandra appeared to both teams.

"The AI controlled Union soldiers in this virtual environment are at your disposal, but I suggest you don't rely too heavily on them."

For the better part of a half hour both teams tried fruitlessly to get past the Confederate troops.

"Aw man! I got killed again!" said Tyler as he respawned back at the Union outpost.

"Obviously we need a new game plan." said Cody.

"What was your first clue?" asked Heather.

"We've established that the direct approach is suicide, even with all these automatons backing us up."

"Why don't we just go around?"

"That would take too long."

"I've got an idea!" exclaimed Izzy.

Confessional Car: Izzy

"I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner, it works all the time in the movies!"

While Izzy divulged her idea to Liberty, Team Justice was trying to come up with one of their own.

"In the past fifteen minutes I've been shot at least seven times, my throat has been slit with a concealed knife, and I've had my head blown off by a cannon." said Duncan "I hope one of you can come up with a better plan."

For some reason Sarah was going through a whole lot of papers inside the command post.

"What are you doing?" asked John.

"Just because we're on the same team it doesn't mean I have to report to you every ten minutes."

"While you stand here going through papers we're out there getting our heads blown off and our guts shot out."

"We can do this, we just need to use the force!" said Harold.

"I see… and how is that going to help us?" asked Gwen.

"The force is strong my young padowan."

"Did it ever occur to any of you that this game might have cheat codes?"

"Now that you mention it… When we played that space dogfight game on TDH there was a secret weapon on ships that Chris never told us about." said Gwen.

"So what does paper have to do with it?" asked Bridgette.

"If Chris hid any cheats in this game it would have to be something you'd easily miss."

Sarah pulled out a map that showed the United States during the war.

"Aha!"

She immediately started tapping certain areas of the map with her finger.

"What are you…"

Before Gwen could finish her sentence there was a loud bing.

"Weapons builder unlocked."

"What? How did you know how to do that?"

"Lucky guess I suppose."

Confessional Car: John

"Has anyone ever told her that she's a really bad liar?"

A few miles away Team Liberty was beginning to execute Izzy's plan.

"This is not going to work." said Heather.

"Do you have any better ideas?"

Izzy's plan was for her and the others to disguise themselves as Confederates using some of the uniforms from the soldiers they had killed. That way they could move straight through their lines to the command post and get the plans without trouble. The only problem was getting back to the Union command post. For this reason they had placed some spare Union uniforms some distance from the action for them to change into. They raced across the field to a place where they could change without being noticed by the Confederate, but only Heather, Cody, Sierra, and Izzy made it.

"Hurry up and change."

"Oh Cody… Do you like my new underwear?" asked Sierra.

"Are you seriously asking me that question right now?"

"Well, if you don't like them… I can always take them off."

"Guys with rifles and cannons… firing… at us!" said Heather.

"Point taken."

Heather, Sierra, and Izzy were all taken out by Union soldiers who thought they were really Confederates, only Cody made it across the line.

"Looks like it's up to me." he thought.

Cody made his way to the Confederate command post without any trouble, much to his relief. There he located the map of General Lee's plans and quickly memorized it.

"Okay… now I've got to make it to the place where we placed those spare Union uniforms. Then I just need to make it back to our command post and its game over."

The map back at Team Liberty's command post showed Sierra that Cody was taking the long way around where there were no other soldiers.

"Perfect."

To make the expansion she and Sarah had installed activate, Sierra went over to portrait of President Lincoln in the command post and wrote Cody's name on the frame. The moment she did a Confederate soldier jumped out of hiding near the place where Cody was and began to shoot at him.

"What the heck? I'm still wearing a Confederate uniform!"

Fortunately for Cody the soldier didn't seem to have good aim.

"Okay buddy, if that's the way you want it."

Cody picked up his own rifle and blasted the soldier, but another one appeared to take his place.

"Oh perfect…"

Cody had no trouble killing the soldiers, but that was all part of Sierra's plan. Each soldier had a letter on the back of his uniform. All Cody had to do was keep killing them until he spell his name backwards twice in a row.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"I never would have come up with that by myself, but who cares? Cody's mine!"

As the soldiers began to pile up around him Cody was beginning to wonder why they were all such lousy shots, but Sierra could tell that he wasn't going to figure it out in time.

"Y… D… O… just one more!"

Cody took aim at the last soldier, when suddenly…

BOOM!

Cody was blown through the air and landed flat on his butt, while Sierra's last soldier was vaporized by whatever had hit it.

Confessional Car: Sierra

"NO! GODDAMIT NO!"

Cody peeked out of the grass to see what had nearly killed him.

"What the?"

"TAKE THAT YOU RACIST PIG ASSES!" bellowed Duncan "HOW DO YOU LIKE GIANT FLAMING PAINTBALLS?"

Confessional Car: Cody

"I don't know much about American history, but I'm pretty sure they didn't have tanks that shot giant burning paintballs during the Civil War. And I'm certain they didn't have AT-ATs."

Confessional Car: John

"I couldn't resist, I've wanted to drive one since the first time I saw Empire Strikes Back."

Confessional Car: Izzy

"Awesome! I got to get me one of those!"

With their new weapons Team Justice was beginning to plow through the Confederate troops, prompting Cody to rush to the place where they had placed the spare Union uniforms. As soon as he got changed he ran for the command post.

"Team Liberty wins!" exclaimed Cassandra.

"What?"

Before anyone on Team Justice could protest they were ejected from the game and were back in the real world.

"Getting killed by Confederates over and over again, using cheat codes to make weapons that obviously weren't available during the war, and Sierra almost got Cody… That was awesome!"

"What do you mean she almost got me?" asked Cody.

"Cassandra?"

Cassandra brought up a video of Cody shooting down the soldiers. It was showing them from behind so Cody could see the letters on their backs.

"Fortunately for you, you didn't kill that last soldier, Duncan did."

Confessional Car: Cody

"I never thought I'd find myself in Duncan's debt."

Confessional Car: Sierra

(Crying)

"I was so close! So close… I tripped at the finish line because Mr. Mohawk had to go all nuts!"

That night all the members of Team Justice were gathered in the caboose.

"Here we are again… There are only six eagles on this tray. Who will get one, and who will be forced to take a humiliating ride on the Hand Cart of Shame? Remember, it's almost time for the merge."

"Just give us the eagles and shut up." said Sarah.

"Have it your way… The first eagle goes to… John… Gwen… Owen… Duncan… and… Sarah."

That left only Harold and Bridgette, both of whom were on the edge of their seats.

"The final eagle goes to… Harold."

"Booyah!"

"Can't say I'm shocked." said Chris "You had the most deaths today… The Hand Cart of Shame awaits."

Confessional Car: Bridgette

"Maybe Geoff and I should just stick to the Aftermath."

Once again Sierra's plans have been foiled, but this time Cody was only saved by luck. Will he be so lucky next time? Or will Sierra be able to trick him before it's too late? With the merge coming up, will John and Sarah be able to keep the rest of Justice from turning on them? How much longer can Heather stay in the game? Where will the G-1000 take us next?

Keep watching for the answers right here on Total… Drama… American Tour!

Christina McLean had been trying to get Cody eliminated from TDAT by secretly helping Sierra in her attempts to trick him into saying his name backwards twice in a row. If Sierra succeeded Cody would either have to give her the combination or choose instant elimination from the game. Cody was one of the more popular competitors on the show, and if he was eliminated then much fewer people would watch the rest of the show.

"It would seem I've underestimated little Cody… even though that last one was pure luck. Still… as someone famous once said, there's nothing more stimulating than a game where everything goes against you."

It was then that Christina was told by one of the guards that she had a phone call. She was escorted through the halls with her arms in shackles and a gun at her back. Finally she was locked in the booth with the phone.

"Yes?"

"Ma'am, the woodchuck is finished chucking wood. The beavers are building the dam, and we've found the dragon's last meal."

"What are you talking about?" asked Christina annoyed.

"I'm talking in code."

"If your people paid those morons off then you don't need to talk in code."

"I'm just being thorough."

"Just tell me what's going on."

"Okay… First off, everything is set for your… early parole."

"Excellent."

"Everything is also in place to make the challenge a bit more… interesting."

"Good, if Team Justice fails then odds are they'll eliminate John… if they're smart."

"And just in case they're not, we think we've found the dirt you were looking for."

"Really?"

"When you get back to your cell there will picture and an entry from his journal waiting for you. We await your orders on how to proceed."

None of the members of Team Justice were pleased to be back in the economy car again. Sleeping in those capsules was like sleeping in a coffin.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Well… at least the coffee's good."

"Attention campers!" said Chris over the PA.

"Have any of you seen Abe?"

"George, give me back the mike! As I was saying, we will be arriving at our destination within the hour. I suggest you eat a good breakfast; you're going to need your energy for today's challenge."

For some reason breakfast for Team Liberty consisted of alphabet cereal. Unsurprisingly Cody found that there were only certain letters in his bowl.

"Okay Sierra, this is your saddest attempt yet."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"I don't know why I thought that would work… but to be honest, I'm running out of both time and ideas."

"Campers, welcome to the state of Georgia, home to the Dukes of Hazzard! For that reason today's challenge is a road rally!"

"A road rally?" asked Owen.

"Is there an echo in here? Yes a road rally! Each camper will be given their own car to customize and race in across the Georgia landscape. The first team to have all their members cross the finish line wins invincibility and gets to enjoy a Hazzard marathon in first class tonight. The losers will be sending someone home. Now get to work on your rides, we haven't got all day."

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Finally, we get to do something fun!"

Confessional Car: Owen

"I'm going to get to drive a race car!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Where does Chris keep getting all this stuff?"

The campers spent the next couple hours working on the cars that had been provided for them. Finally it was time for the race to begin. Chris came out dressed like Boss Hogg from The Dukes of Hazzard.

"In position number one; for Team Justice we have John in the Dragon Wagon!"

John rode out in a car that he had painted to look like a white dragon.

"In position number two; representing Team Liberty, we have Heather in the Purple Titan!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"I'm no expert when it comes to cars, but I have no plans on going home today."

"In position number three we have Sarah in the Black Cat! Up next is Sierra in the car she has named The Cody."

Confessional Car: Chef

"Quick survey, anyone surprised"

"In position number five we have Duncan in his Skull Bomber! In position number six we have Izzy in the Tigress."

Confessional Car: Izzy

"They're going to eat my dust!"

"Number seven is Gwen in the Blue Doom! And here comes Cody in Excalibur! Owen in the Pizza Pie Special!"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Go figure, one of the cars that Chris gives us to work with is an old pizza van. Owen seemed pretty happy about it though."

"In position number ten we have Lindsay in Cupid's Arrow. Harold in the H-Wing Fighter, and last but not least… Tyler in the Turbo Turtle."

Confessional Car: Tyler

"I know what you're thinking, who names their race car after a turtle? But I loved the Tortoise and the Hare growing up."

"Remember campers, it doesn't matter who comes in first, but if you come in last it will cost your team the challenge, so put those pedals to the metal!"

"Let's get this show on the road!" bellowed Izzy.

Confessional Car: Owen

"She is so hot when she's like that, which is why I'm going to win this game, so we can make our dream come true!"

Chef made his way to the side of the line with the starting gun dressed like Rosco.

"Okay campers, start your engines!"

The twelve engines roared to life.

[Freeze Frame]

George: I don't know about you, but I'd sure hate to be those cars right now… Dukes of Hazzard? Ah forget all ya.

"Okay… on your mark… get set..."

"Wait! What are the rules?" asked Lindsay.

"Rules?" asked Chris with a big smile on his face "In this race anything goes."

"As I was saying…" said Chef once again raising his gun in the air "On your mark… get set… GO ALREADY!"

BANG!

"And they're off!" bellowed Chris "There goes the Heather and the Purple Titan shooting off into the lead!"

"Ha-ha! So long suckers!"

Confessional Car: John

"Obviously Heather didn't hear Chris, it doesn't matter who finishes first, or has an early lead for that matter."

As Heather got further and further ahead of the other campers she thought about what Chris had said.

"If anything goes, then here I go."

The tires on the cars that Chris had provided the campers with weren't exactly the same kind used for the cars ridden in by the Pope or the President of the United States, so Heather took out a box of tacks and dropped them on the road behind her. Suddenly…

[Freeze Frame]

George: Yummie young Heather had forgotten the most important rule of driving, pay attention to the road. Otherwise she wouldn't have run into that tree.

WHAM!

"You better hope that car of yours still runs Heather." said Chris over the radio "And if not you better fix it, because if you don't cross that finish line your team loses."

Confessional Car: Heather

"I hate this show… oww…"

Heather managed to get the Titan going again, but not before the other cars had passed her

"The racers are jockeying for position! In the lead is Duncan of Team Justice in the Skull Bomber, followed closely by Cody of Team Liberty in Excalibur, and Lindsay in Cupid's Arrow!"

"Get that hunk of junk out of here!" bellowed Cody "Let me past!"

"Let's see you get past this…"

Duncan started tossing some bombs that he had made by himself.

"HOLY CRAP!"

Cody swerved out of the way just in time.

Confessional Car: Chris

"Homemade explosives? Awesome dude!"

Cody managed to dodge Duncan's bombs until the two of them were neck and neck.

"Nice driving Geekazoid, but my ride's more advanced in every way!"

"We'll see about that."

Cody pressed a button on his dashboard, revealing a concealed blade on the side of his car that slashed through one of Duncan's tires.

"What the?"

"Who's got the better ride now, asshole!" said Cody leaving him in the dust.

Confessional Car: Cody

"That felt so good!"

Confessional Car: George

"This is so exciting! Even though there's absolutely no way I can see the racers from here."

"Hey! Pick on someone your own size!"

Lindsay shot an arrow that struck one of Cody's tires.

"Hey! I'm on your team!"

"Oops… sorry."

"Well racing fans, it looks like the Dukes of Drama road rally is getting even tougher! The Dragon Wagon shoots out in front, followed quickly by The Cody, The Blue Doom, and the Turbo Turtle!"

"Outta my way dragon boy!" yelled Sierra.

"In your dreams Fanzilla!"

WHAM!

"What the hell…"

John looked in his rear-view mirror and saw that Sierra was ramming into him.

"What in the name of all things sacred are you trying to do?"

"What's it look like?"

John knew he had to think of a way to get Sierra off of his tail, but when he turned to look back at the road he was in for a surprise.

"What? Where'd all that ice come from?"

John stomped on his brakes, but it was too late. He tried turning his car, but he only began spinning out of control.

[Freeze Frame]

George: Now there's a certain creek that you don't want to be up without a paddle. You could say that Johnny boy was up that particular creek right about now, but that's a bit of an understatement. In reality he was a bug on a windshield.

Christina was watching the whole thing unfold on her laptop. The ice had been made by her goons by freezing a lot of water with some liquid nitrogen. Christina's orders were for her men to find a way to take John out of the race, costing Team Justice the win. Unfortunately this particular trap stopped all the other racers as well, most of which crashed.

"Is everyone… okay?" asked John crawling out of his car.

"Sure…" said Tyler "We're just…"

BOOM!

"In a lot of pain…oww."

"Thank god for these airbags." said Gwen.

On Chris' orders the race was put on hold until all the campers could get their cars running again.

"Okay fans! All the necessary repairs have been made, and the race is ready to start again!"

"On your marks… get set… floor it!"

BANG!

"And they're off again! The campers have almost reached the halfway point, but oh no! They're stuck in a cloverleaf! They might never get out!"

It didn't take long for the campers to curse whoever decided to make the race track turn into a busy cloverleaf.

Confessional Car: Owen

"I am so glad I picked the old pizza van."

"It's been over an hour and they're still stuck!" exclaimed Chris "But wait! The Skull Bomber is making a break for it, followed quickly by the Blue Doom, the Purple Titan, and the Cody!"

"Free at last baby, hell yeah!"

But Duncan and the others had barely gone a mile when they found out that they had traded one mess for another, specifically a dirt road that had turned into mud.

"Oh come on!"

Duncan pressed hard on his gas pedal, but he only succeeded in covering Gwen's car with mud.

"Thanks a lot…" she said.

In the end all the campers had to get out and push, but thankfully it didn't take anywhere near as long as getting out of the cloverleaf.

"There they go again! The Dragon Wagon, the Black Cat, the Purple Titan, and the Tigress are all in a duel for the lead! There goes Cupid's Arrow, the Turbo Turtle, the Pizza Pie Special, and the Skull Bomber keeping up a steady pace. And bringing up the rear are the Blue Doom, the Cody, Excalibur, and The H-Wing Fighter!"

"Last place?" exclaimed Harold "Time to bring out the big gun! Chewie prepare to make the jump to hyperspeed!"

Harold began pushing buttons all across his dashboard. Then there was a big explosion and his car was off like a shooting star."

"What's this? The H-Wing Fighter comes out of nowhere to take the lead!" exclaimed Chris.

"I want him tested for steroids!" said Heather.

"Stay on target… stay on target… COME ON HAROLD! USE THE FORCE!"

[Freeze Frame]

George: Almost everyone likes going fast, but we have speed limits for a reason, something poor Harold was about to learn the hard way.

WHAMM!

"And Harold's way out in front! Unfortunately for him it looks like his car's been destroyed."

Confessional Car: Harold

(Smoking and covered in ash)

"Booyah…"

"The cars are struggling for position, but they're still way behind Harold. But can he get his car working again before they reach him?"

Harold was passed by five of the other cars before he got the H-Wing Fighter going again.

"We're almost there, everyone get ready." said John into the radio.

"You got it boss, H-Wing fighter standing by!" said Harold.

"Skull Bomber standing by!"

"Black Cat standing by."

"Blue Doom standing by."

"Pizza Pie Special standing by!"

Izzy was behind several different racers, and she could see that the end was coming up quickly.

"Okay, it's now or never."

Izzy yanked hard on a lever to her right, and suddenly the Tigress actually jumped about twenty feet into the air.

[Freeze Frame]

George: Sure this probably breaks the laws of physics, but does a fiery redhead like Izzy look like the kind of girl who studies law?

"YEEHAW!" cried Izzy as the Tigress flew over the other cars, touched down on the ground, and just kept going.

Confessional Car: Owen

"Oh man that is hot!"

"Why didn't you do that before?" asked Cody over the radio.

"Because I can only do it once."

"Where did you learn how to do that anyway?" asked Heather.

"I have my secrets."

"Here they come folks, down the home stretch! And it looks like it's going to be a photo finish! The Dragon Wagon, the Pizza Pie Special, the Skull Bomber, the Turbo Turtle, Cupid's Arrow, and the Tigress are all neck and neck! But wait, Tyler's making his move! The Turbo Turtle goes streaking out in front!"

"Streaking? Okay."

Suddenly Tyler's clothes came flying out of the Turbo Turtle's windows.

"Oh my… god!"

[Freeze Frame]

George: Did Cupid's Arrow run out of gas, or was Lindsay just stopping to enjoy the view? I'm inclined to think the latter.

"Any particular reason you just took your clothes off?" asked Chris through the radio.

"You said, streaking out in front."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Wow… I can hear the wind tunnel. Oh well, Team Liberty's loss."

Izzy managed to cross the finish line first, but it didn't matter because Lindsay was left dumbfounded by Tyler's little exposure.

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Wow…"

"Team Justice wins!" said Chris.

"I am going to drown both of you in boiling oil!" said Heather "But first… find this brainless jockstrap some clothes!"

Confessional Car: Tyler

"I am soooooo embarassed."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Oh my god! I can't believe he did that! Statistically speaking Izzy is the camper most likely to willingly bare it all on camera."

That night Team Liberty was gathered in the caboose. Tyler may not have finished last, but his mood was still grim.

"Second to last eagle… and it goes to… Heather."

Confessional Car: Heather

"Of course I'm still in this game; I'm the only person on this team that has any brains."

"That leaves Lindsay, who gave one of her own teammates a flat tire and finished last… but only because Tyler there exposed himself… The eagle goes to… Lindsay."

"I'm never gonna win…"

"I still love you." said Lindsay.

"Will you still remember me when the game is over?"

Lindsay kissed him on the lips.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Only one more challenge before the merge.

Nine campers have already fallen. Who will be next?

Find out next time on Total… Drama… American Tour!

In the first class car, Duncan was just finishing up telling the others his idea on how the Lord of the Rings should have ended.

"And that is how Frodo became King of the Universe…"

"The following laughter is not out of humor, but out of contempt." said Harold "HA-HA-HA-HA!"

"Why did Frodo kill everybody?" asked Owen.

"What would you do if you left the comfort of your little hole in the ground and carried the One Ring across Middle-Earth to Mount Doom, along the way getting stabbed by the Witch-King of Angmar, stung by a giant freaking spider, stripped naked and tortured by a bunch of orcs, and got your finger bitten off, and not get laid or even get a new finger? I'd be pissed at the world if that happened to me."

"How were they supposed to give Frodo a new finger?" asked Sarah.

"Magic, duh. Gandalf was the freaking White Wizard. And what about all those cowardly elves that decided to cut their losses and leave Middle-Earth? What a bunch of pussies. And speaking of lady parts, why doesn't Frodo ever think about them? Was he gay or something?"`

"Duncan, I seriously doubt that Frodo was thinking about female hobbits while carrying the most evil weapon in the universe all across Middle-Earth, all the while being sought after by the servants of the Dark Lord." said John.

"Besides, how could Frodo forge a new ring of power, let alone use it to kill Gandalf and all the elves in the Undying Lands and absorb their powers?" asked Harold "Hobbits don't know anything about magic."

"He had the One Ring forged by Sauron in the fires of Mount Doom around his neck for months, maybe as a bit of insurance it fed a little knowledge into his brain."

Confessional Car: John

"He knows as much about Lord of the Rings as he knew about how to push Courtney's buttons. And if you're watching this, I miss you like Anakin missed Padme during the Clone Wars… Holy crap that sounded nerdy."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Duncan's stupidity aside, I can see already that he's going to be big trouble after the merge. Isn't that right Pearly?"

"Meow."

"You betcha."

Confessional Car: Harold

"Nobody calls Frodo gay!"

When the campers woke up they found that the train was stationed in what looked like a very rural farm land.

"Campers, welcome to Kansas. Famous for agriculture, the geographic center of the 48 contiguous states, having the windiest city in the US, the first black woman to win an Academy Award, first woman mayor, and of course… the Wizard of Oz, which is exactly what today's challenge is about."

"Oh dear god…" said Duncan.

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Oh my god! The Wizard of Oz was my all-time favorite movie growing up. We can't lose!"

Once again the challenge was going to take place in the virtual world, so Chris led the campers back to the storage car and sealed them in their pods.

"When you wake up, you will be in the land of Oz." said Cassandra.

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I would love to know how these things work."

Snug in their pods, the campers slow began to fall asleep. Suddenly the pods began to shake very violently.

"What in the name of…"

Obviously none of the campers had seen the movie for some time, because they were surprised when they found themselves in an old fashioned house up in a tornado.

"YAHOO! NO GRAVITY!" exclaimed Izzy doing a backstroke in midair.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE GONNA DIE!" bellowed Cody.

"NO WE'RE NOT!" said Sierra trying to make her voice audible over the roaring winds "IF I REMEMBER THE MOVIE, WE SHOULD BE LANDING SAFELY IN MUNCHKINLAND JUST ABOUT… NOW!"

BOOM!

The campers all fell flat on the floor.

"Is everyone… okay?"

"Definitely not…" said Heather trying to get to her feet.

"Excellent, let's roll." said John.

"Oh my goodness… It's like a dream come true!" said Lindsay.

Most of the other female campers were in awe as they walked out into Munchkinland, but the boys had a very different reaction, especially Duncan.

"Get back!" he said pointing his knife at the Munchkin spectators "Back you little freaks, back!"

Suddenly the knife flew out of his hand.

"That's not very nice…"

"Cassandra!"

Cassandra had appeared dressed as Glinda.

"Nice outfit." remarked Sarah.

"Thank you. I am here to provide you with the instructions for the first half of the challenge. Your current objective is to follow the Yellow brick road to the Emerald City, where you will receive further instructions from the wizard."

"That's it?" asked Owen.

"That's it."

"What about the Ruby slippers?" asked Lindsay.

"You don't need them. Just follow the Yellow brick road."

And without another word Cassandra vanished.

Confessional Car: Heather

"That's the best thing Chris can think of, a mild form of exercise? I don't believe that for a second."

Despite Cassandra's insistence that they wouldn't need them, Heather walked over to the place where the Wicked Witch of the East's remains were and picked up the Ruby slippers.

"What are you doing?" asked Cody.

"Being smart."

Heather tried to put the slippers on, but her feet seemed to repel them.

"What the?"

"I don't think you're worthy." joked Gwen.

"Well someone on my team is going to wear them."

But for some reason the shoes rejected both Izzy and Sierra as well.

"Let me do it!" said Lindsay "I've always wanted my own pair of Ruby slippers!"

"Fine…"

"Now that we're fashionably ready for Oz, can we get this show on the road?" asked Sarah.

Both teams set off on the Yellow brick road.

"Follow the Yellow brick road." sang Lindsay and Sierra "Follow the Yellow brick road, follow the…"

"No singing…" said Duncan.

"Who are you to tell us what to do? You're not on our team."

"No, but I am the guy who will make your lives a living hell if you do."

As they walked both teams tried to make sure they were at least a little bit ahead of the other. Every now and then they stopped for a quick rest, but as time went on it didn't seem like they were getting anywhere.

"We've been walking for at least three hours, where the hell is the Emerald City?" asked Heather.

"Maybe Chris is testing our endurance."

"Well I've just about reached the end of mine." said Harold.

"I'm no expert on Oz, but I'm pretty sure Dorothy's trip was a lot more eventful than this." said John.

"And where are the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion?"

Confessional Car: Chris

"Budget cuts."

After another full hour of walking the campers finally came to the Emerald City and the Palace of Oz.

"Finally!"

"Don't celebrate too much." said Sierra "Knowing Chris our torment has only just begun."

The campers made their way into the palace when…

"HALT! I AM OZ! THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ!"

"Oh… I'm shaking in my boots." said Gwen.

"You can drop the act Chris, we know it's you."

Back in the real world Chris and Chef were watching the whole thing unfold on the monitors while George listened.

"They're not buying it."

"I'll take care of this." said Chef taking the mike "Pay no attention to the people behind the curtain!"

"What curtain? They're in the virtual world and we're not."

"Oh right."

"Anyway… YOU HAVE COME HERE SEEKING INVINCIBILITY, THERBY BRINGING YOU ONE STEP CLOSER TO WINNING A MILLION DOLLARS! THE GREAT OZ IS WILLING TO GRANT YOUR REQUESTS, BUT FIRST YOU MUST FULFILL ONE CONDITION!"

"Oh I know!" exclaimed Lindsay "You want us to bring you the broom that belongs to the Wicked Witch of the… the… uh… what was it again?"

"Ugh… West you dumb blonde! West!" said Sarah.

"Oh no… you're not getting off that easy." replied Chris.

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"He thinks that heading into the Witch's castle to steal her broom was easy?"

"We have something a lot more fun for you to do today. Back by popular audience demand, it's the shotgun wielding gorilla from Total Drama Shipwreck!"

"What did he just say?" asked Heather.

"Oh no…" said Gwen.

"We let loose the gorilla in Oz, and he's already killed the Wicked Witch dead."

"How?" asked Sierra.

"How else? He shot her in the head."

"In head?"

"In the head."

"He shot her in the head and killed her dead?"

"What is there an echo in here?"

"I thought only water could kill the Wicked Witch."

"Oh come on, her sister was killed because a house fell on her. We know it's bullhonkey. In any case your objective is to recover the gorilla's shotgun."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Does it look like I'm kidding? There first person to do so wins invincibility for their team. I believe you'll find him somewhere in that creepy forest on the way to the Witch's castle. THE GREAT OZ HAS SPOKEN!"

Sarah was the only camper in the group that hadn't been on Total Drama Shipwreck, so she had no experience with the gorilla.

"What can we expect?"

"If you don't have a good plan to get his shotgun, then get ready to run like hell." said Duncan.

"Maybe he's now in command of the flying monkeys."

"We better pray he isn't. If they're acting as lookouts for him, then odds are he'll find us before we find him." said John.

Before long the campers came to the very edge of the forest where Chris said the gorilla could be found.

"Do we have plan?" asked Cody.

"Does anyone have a banana?" asked Izzy "Or some other kind of sweet fruit?"

"Well the way I see it, if he doesn't kill us with his shotgun then he'll just tear us limb from limb."

The members of Team Justice set out looking for things they could use to build a trap with, while the members of Team Liberty went looking for the gorilla, since they couldn't think of anything better than hoping to catch the gorilla while he was sleeping.

"Here monkey-monkey-monkey… Here gorilla-gorilla-gorilla." called out Izzy.

Confessional Car: Cody

"Once again I'm the only rooster in a house full of hens… Believe me; it's not as fun as it sounds. But at least it's only until the merge."

"How hard can it be to find a giant ape in the woods?"

Heather didn't notice the root in front of her, causing her to fall over.

PLOP!

"There is definitely a gorilla around here." she said whipping the fecal matter from her face.

While the others started laughing Izzy bent down and felt the manure.

"This is fresh… he's very close."

"How close?"

"Uh… Cody…"

Click!

"He's right behind me, isn't he?"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"I think Team Liberty just found the gorilla."

"Run for your lives! It's King Kong!" screamed Cody.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

The trap wasn't ready when the gorilla came running, so everyone ducked to hide.

"Holy crap! That's not just a shotgun, it's an AA-12!" said Duncan.

"Is that bad?"

"The AA-12 is an automatic shotgun with a firing rate of 300 rounds per minute, an effective range of 100 meters, and a maximum range of 200 meters. From the looks of things he's using a drum magazine, so he has a maximum of 32 rounds a clip."

"Translation… bad."

BANG!

The tree trunk exploded above Duncan's head.

"Holy shit!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Scatter!"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"So I'm running from this psycho gorilla with a gun, and I can't help but wonder… Is this the Wizard of Oz, or Planet of the Apes?"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

While the others ran from the gorilla, John crept through the bushes with one of his swords in hand and waited for an opening.

"Come to pappa… come here you filthy hairy chimp on roids… NOW!"

John slashed at the gorilla's ankle and the beast let out a loud cry of pain.

"Well, you either hurt it or made it angry."

The gorilla turned and started shooting at John.

"Crap! Crap! Crap!"

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"How do you stop this thing?" asked Sarah.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

"I asked myself that question many times back during Shipwreck." said Gwen.

"You'd think eventually he'd run out of ammo."

"We thought that too."

John managed to lose the gorilla by jumping into a big pool of mud.

Confessional Car: John

"Thank god it was only virtual mud; I did not like the idea of cleaning it off this costume."

For a moment the gorilla stood there wondering who it should go after.

"Hey! Donkey Kong!" said Izzy jumping out the bushes "You stink so bad I can smell you from here!"

The gorilla immediately went after her, but Izzy evaded the shots by leaping into the trees.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

"Up high! Down low! Too slow!"

The gorilla continued to shoot at Izzy until he lost her in the trees. He paused to look around and see if he could spot her, when suddenly…

"BANZAI!"

Izzy came falling out of the sky and drop kicked the gorilla in the jaw, sending the gun flying out of his hands. Cody rushed over and caught it.

"Game over… Team Liberty wins!"

The campers immediately woke up back in their pods.

"AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!" exclaimed Cody sitting up.

"Well that's just great…" said Gwen.

"Team Liberty gets to enjoy their last night as a team in first class. Justice, what can I say? I'll be seeing you in the caboose tonight."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"During Total Drama Halo, John won almost every single post merge challenge. So I hate to say it, but it's gotta be him."

Confessional Car: John

"I'll bet they're all too eager to get rid of me, but the White Dragon doesn't give up so easily."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"If they get rid of John, then it's only a matter of time before they come after me."

Confessional Car: Owen

"If I want to win this game for Izzy, then this could be the single most important decision I make this season… I can't take the pressure!"

Confessional Car: Duncan

"Once John's out of the way, Gwen and I can form an alliance with some of the others, and then we'll have this game in the bag."

That night the members of Team Justice were all gathered in the caboose. Everyone was looking serious, except for George, who was fast asleep in the corner.

"Team Justice… this is the last elimination ceremony before the merge. So far you've been eliminating the weak links in your chain, but it's about to become a whole different ball game. There are only five eagles on this tray. If you get an eagle, then congratulations, you've made it to the half-way point. But the camper…"

"Who does not receive an eagle must get on the Hand Cart of Shame and leave, we get the concept." said Sarah.

"You forgot to mention that you can't come back… ever!"

"Let's just do this freaking thing before I get old."

"The first eagle goes to… Owen."

"Yeah! Staying alive!"

"Gwen… Harold… and… Sarah."

That left only John and Duncan.

"Gentlemen… This is final eagle of the evening."

John was doing his best not to let the others see him sweat, but Duncan looked absolutely calm. All the while Chris was taking his sweet time letting the dramatic music play out.

"Paper covers rock… rock crushes lizard… lizard poisons Spock… Spock smashes scissors… scissors cuts paper… paper disproves Spock… Spock vaporizes rock… rock crushes scissors… scissors decapitates lizard… lizard eats paper… the eagle goes to… John!"

John breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Confessional Car: Harold

"I said nobody calls Frodo a gay, and I meant it!"

"Duncan, the Hand Cart of Shame awaits."

"Whatever… Knock em dead babe." he said looking at Gwen.

"See you at the finale."

What's in store for the campers as they head into the big merge?

How much longer can Heather stay in the game?

Will Sierra be able to trick Cody into revealing his full name backwards twice in a row before either of them is eliminated? And if she succeeds will Cody give up the combination, or the million dollars?

Will John and Sarah be able to hold their own as the only two Americans on the train?

But above all…

WHO THE HECK IS ABE?

All this and more, next time on Total… Drama… American Tour!

Sometime after the elimination ceremony Heather snuck out of the first class car and pulled Gwen aside.

"Listen, I don't like you and you don't like me, but we have a common enemy. There's only one person on this train that's actually an American…"

"Don't you mean there are two?"

"No, there's only one."

"Do you deny Sarah's existence because you think she's an undesirable, or because she practically destroyed your boyfriend's arm?" asked Gwen

"Irrelevant, you and I both know that John won almost every post merge challenge in TDH. I guarantee you that since he has home-field advantage this season won't be any different. If either of us wants any chance at winning the million dollars we need to make sure he gets booted the first chance we get. After that we can feel free to cut each other's throats, deal?"

"Though crudely delivered, I see your point."

Confessional Car: Heather

"Excellent. The most important thing right now is to get John booted, but the others won't listen to me. Gwen however is another story… I probably could get Sierra on my side."

At that moment a loud alarm came blaring on all across the train.

"That can't be good." said Gwen.

Meanwhile up in the engine, Chris and Chef were seeing what the problem was.

"Uh-oh…" said both Cassandra and Chef.

"Uh-oh funny, or uh-oh we're all gonna die?" asked Chris.

"Your crazy sister just broke out of prison."

"Seriously?"

It wasn't long until Chris got a call from the producers; he spent about a half hour convincing them not to put the show on hold.

Confessional Car: Chris

"If my crazy twin sister thinks she's gonna scare me into stopping this show, she obviously doesn't know who she's dealing with."

On the producers' orders Chris had to inform the campers of the situation, and if any of them wanted to leave the game they could, but they'd be giving up their chance at the million dollars. Apparently money is a really strong motivator, because all of them stayed.

Confessional Car: Heather

"Nothing is gonna scare me out of this money."

Confessional Car: Owen

"I promised Izzy I was gonna win the million dollars for us, and that's what I'm gonna do!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"The things I do for a million dollars…"

Confessional Car: Sierra

"For a moment there I was afraid Cody was going to leave before I could get him."

Confessional Car: John

"That bitch doesn't scare me."

Confessional Car: Harold

"I'm not going to lose this game, I'm dropping the H-Bomb!"

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"What are we talking about?"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"I guess ol' Yin doesn't know how badly Big-O and I want the million."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I know that Christina almost killed us several times last Halloween, but then I figured that she's the most wanted woman in Canada, she'll never even make it past the border patrol."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"All the others are staying; I'm not gonna be the one who chickens out."

As a precaution Chris was told to change which state the next challenge was going to be about, so Chef had to make a big U-turn if they wanted to keep on schedule. When the campers all gathered in the dining car in the morning Owen and Izzy embraced.

"You'd think one of them had been off to war or something." whispered Sarah.

"They've been on different teams again." said John "And after what happened during Shipwreck you can imagine how hard it must be."

"And you approve of their…"

"No, but we're all sinners when you stop and think about it."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"He could be saying that because he's a Catholic, but I think it's because his own girlfriend tried to seduce him by showing him her boobs."

"Ten down!" said Izzy.

"We're already halfway there!"

"Attention campers!" said Chris over the PA "As of today the teams are officially disbanded. From here on out it's every… camper… for themself!"

"Have they caught your sister yet?" asked Gwen.

"Unfortunately… no."

"If you're scared, the Hand Cart of Losers is in the caboose." said Sierra.

"You wish…"

During breakfast Sierra asked Cody to have a look at a word search she was doing.

"Well… do you see any?"

"No I don't." replied Cody with a big smile on his face.

Confessional Car: Cody

"Okay, that wasn't even a good attempt. I saw that one coming like an atom bomb. Not to mention it's not Ydoc ttemme nosemaj nosedna, she's supposed to get me to say Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc twice in a row. "

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Just you wait Mr. Nosredna nosemaj ttemme ydoc… MWAH-HA-AH-HA-AH-AH-AH… Whoa… laughing maniacally, not romantic."

"Okay campers, today's challenge is…"

"Abe!"

"Oh brother…" said Gwen.

"Where are you Abe? It's getting late!"

"Okay, I've officially had enough!" said Heather "You've been talking about this bozo through the whole freaking season, who or what is he?"

"Moving on…" said Chris "Today we're in Ohio, the state that's famous for being high in the middle and round on both ends."

"How is that possible?" asked Lindsay.

"It's also famous for Lake Erie, Cedar Point, the Wright brothers, but most importantly… it's the setting for Nightmare on Elm Street."

"What's so important about a horror film franchise?" asked Sarah.

"So important that it is what today's challenge is about."

"Didn't we already do that in California?"

"Come on, horror movies are as American as pumpkin pie on the 4th of July."

"Don't you mean apple pie?" asked John.

"Right, what did I say? Anyway, I think you'll find this horror experience a lot more enjoyable since it will take place in the virtual world. The virtual pods will send you into the fictional city of Springwood, where you can usually find Freddy Krueger killing the children of Elm Street. Your objective is to kill Freddy, the first person to do so wins invincibility and gets to spend the night in the first class car and enjoy a Nightmare marathon with a friend of their choice. But… if Freddy manages to kill all of you, then nobody gets invincibility."

"Wait… are we talking about the real Freddy Krueger, or a computer program that thinks it's the real Freddy?"

"Harold, there's no such thing as a guy with a knife glove that kills you in your dreams."

"Or is there?" said Chris playing some dramatic music.

"Let's get this over with." said Sarah.

Chris led the campers to the storage car and unlocked the door, but he had barely cracked it open before he slammed it shut again.

"Uh… Chef… how long have we had a raptor on the train?"

"What are you talking about man?"

Chef cracked open the door slightly.

"SWEET MOTHER OF!"

"VROOOOAAAHHH!"

"AH!"

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!"

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?" exclaimed Heather.

"Back off!" bellowed John drawing his swords.

"That's him!" exclaimed George "Hey Abe, cool it will ya? You're scaring the other passengers."

"That's Abe?" asked Gwen.

"It ain't Zachary Taylor." replied the creature sounding like a ninja turtle.

"It talks?"

"I have a name…" he replied.

"Where have you been?" asked George.

"Every time I go hunting this bucket of bolts has moved. Luckily I'm the fastest land animal on the planet. Did I miss anything last night?"

"Just the guy with the green hair getting the boot, and the teams have been disbanded."

Heather had heard enough.

"Get that thing out of here!"

"Who died and made you queen of the universe?" asked Abe.

"I put up with a lot of crap on this show, but I officially draw the line at having giant man-eating talking lizards on the train!"

"I can share a room with any friends I want, it's my house." said George.

"Does he eat people?" asked Cody.

"I don't eat humans; I don't know where you've been." he laughed "Besides, beef, pork, and poultry all taste a lot better."

"I wouldn't let that thing in my house if it was potty trained!" said Heather.

"For your information I'm the cleanest guy here."

"You're not seriously going to let that thing stay here, are you?"

Confessional Car: Chris

"You'd think we wouldn't, but just think of the ratings!"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"That is so awesome!"

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I know this sounds crazy, but I have a feeling that if he wanted to eat us he would have done it already."

Confessional Car: Cody

"Where the hell did a raptor come from?"

Confessional Car: Heather

"A raptor… a raptor? Even better, a raptor that talks? I really hate this show."

Chef sealed all the campers in their pods and they all feel asleep.

"This is going to be awesome!" said Chris.

"You got any popcorn?" asked Abe.

"You eat popcorn?"

"You got a problem with that?"

"Not at all, I'm sure the interns can round up something for you."

"Make sure there's extra butter, and can I get a mountain dew with that?"

"Oh no!" said George "The last thing you need is caffeine."

"Party pooper."

When the campers opened their eyes they expected to find themselves on the corner of Elm Street on a dark night, instead they were still inside the G-1000.

"Uh… what gives?" asked Gwen.

"Is this the virtual world?" asked Owen "We didn't go anywhere."

"Are you kidding me? I can't…"

For some reason Sierra stopped before she finished her sentence.

"Can't what?" asked Izzy.

"Nothing…"

Suddenly Cassandra appeared in front of them.

"Sorry for the confusion my friends, you are indeed inside the virtual world."

"I don't want to micromanage here, but Nightmare on Elm Street doesn't take place on our train."

"Yeah, shouldn't we be in Springwood?" asked Cody.

"You are, you're just inside the train. Apparently making a virtual interior of the G-1000 with images of Springwood in the windows was a lot cheaper than making a whole city."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"That's Chris for you."

"Think I should also mention that you will be unable to pursue your current objective unless you fall asleep inside this virtual environment."

"Oh right I forgot…" said Gwen in tone only used when someone had forgotten or overlooked an obvious fact "Freddy can only get you in your dreams."

"Is it possible to dream in the virtual world?"

"You won't really be dreaming, it's just another part of the program. Best of luck, I have a feeling you're going to need it."

Instead of immediately going to sleep, the campers began making plans.

"Okay, if we're going to beat John we need to make sure we're all on the same page. What are we dealing with and how do we kill it?" asked Heather.

"Well to make a long story short…" replied Gwen "Freddy Krueger is a child killer who was burned alive by the parents of Springwood. Now he comes back inside the dreams of their children to get his revenge. If he kills you in your dreams then you die in real life as well."

"That last part I knew. So what do we do about it?"

"Freddy is pretty much invincible and all powerful in his dream world, but in the real world he's as vulnerable as the rest of us. We need to get him out here before we can kill him, but to do that we need to fall asleep, find him in the dream world, get a hold of him, and wake up."

"So what you're saying is that the only way to win is to walk right into the belly of the beast."

"Pretty much."

Heather didn't know much about horror movies, but she knew that an inexperienced person like her going after an icon like Freddy would be essentially suicidal.

"Freddy can't get you unless you're asleep?"

"He can't get you if you're not dreaming."

"Well in that case, I'll just stay awake and wait for someone else to bring him out."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Teaming up with Heather is a necessary evil, and after the biggest threats have been taken care of she'll be easy picking."

All the campers made their plans and set traps for Freddy in case they managed to bring him out, set their alarms, and then one by one they went somewhere to fall asleep.

Confessional Car: John

"Freddy Krueger is a lot like death; you just can't run forever, eventually you need to face the nightmare. The question is… will you face it on your feet… or on your knees?"

"Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the lord my soul to keep. If I die before I wake, I pray the lord my soul to take."

When John opened his eyes he wondered if he had. Everything was pitch black, but then the moon came out from behind the clouds, and he saw that he and the other campers, save Heather, were on a very foggy Elm Street, standing right in front of Nancy Thompsons' decaying old house. The only sound that could be heard was the chattering of Owen's teeth as he shivered in fear.

"Oh baby…" said Gwen looking around.

"Why does Freddy keep coming back to this house?" asked Cody.

"That's… an excellent question." replied Harold.

"Shh! I hear something…"

All the others heard it as well. It was the sound of Freddy's blades screeching against a metal surface, and it was coming from inside the house.

"Well… we're not going to earn invincibility just standing around all night." said John

"Okay, go ahead."

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?"

In horror movies anyone who went first often ended up dead, as a result none of the campers were eager to enter the house before the others. Suddenly the ground began to rumble and shake.

"What the..."

The concrete of the street formed into a giant replica of Freddy's glove and reached out for the campers.

"Everybody inside!"

The campers raced into the house and slammed the door shut behind them. The house was just as ruined on the inside as it was outside, but on the inside it looked a lot bigger.

"Something tells me this was a bad idea." said Sarah.

"Well, it's a little late to turn tail and run now."

Sierra, Cody, and Lindsay all tried the door, but it was stuck tight.

"Talk about picking your poison."

"Shh!"

The whole house began to echo with the eerie sound of children singing Freddy's rhyme.

"One… two…. Freddy's coming for you… Three… four… better lock your door… five… six… grab your crucifix… seven… eight… gotta stay up late… nine… ten… never sleep again…"

Confessional Car: Owen

"The scene always freaks me out…"

Once again they heard the sound of Freddy's blades, only this time it sounded like it was scraping on wood. When it stopped the hall echoed with the sound of Freddy's laughter, and it sent a chill down their spines.

"It came from over there…"

John drew his swords and led the campers down the hall.

"Owen, would you please do something about those teeth of yours?" asked Sarah.

"I can't help it, I'm scared."

"Too bad it isn't just because you're cold." said Izzy "I know plenty of ways we could remedy that…"

"You're gonna die." said Sarah.

"Excuse me?"

"Anyone who isn't a virgin dies in horror movies."

"Then how do you explain Alice in Nightmare 5: The Dream Child, or Sid in Scream? Not to mention they were unable to kill me back in Shipwreck." said Izzy.

Confessional Car: Harold

"I don't think there's a single absolute that will guarantee survival in a horror movie today. All the rules are based on statistics."

When the campers reached the end of the hall they found themselves at a dead end, but they saw that Freddy had carved something into the wall.

I'd move if I were you

The whole house began to shake very violently, and then the campers heard a noise that was all too familiar by now.

"RUN! RUN! RUN!"

The campers emerged from the other end of the hall just in time to avoid getting run over by a speeding train that appeared out of nowhere.

"WHERE THE HECK DID A TRAIN COME FROM?" exclaimed Lindsay.

"In Freddy's dream world anything is possible."

"I thought this was supposed to be Nightmare on Elm Street, not Inception."

"Maybe you should start wearing diapers." said Sarah looking at Cody's pants.

"Aww man…"

"You would have wet your pants too if a freaking train came flying out of nowhere!" said Sierra.

"I don't think I did."

"Everybody calm down! Can't you see what's happening? Freddy is screwing with us!"

"Oh… I plan on doing a lot more than that…"

Everyone looked around but saw no sign of Freddy, until Owen looked up and saw his shadow on the wall. Suddenly the shadow moved and was on the opposite side of the room.

"Confusing, isn't it? I could be… over here… I could be… over here… or maybe just maybe… I'm nowhere at all."

"You can cut the shit Mr. Krispy." said Gwen "Play time is over and done with."

"Over? Oh my dear sweet children… the fun hasn't even begun…"

Before anyone could move, holes opened up in the ground beneath their feet, sending them falling to who knows where. Meanwhile Chris was in the real world watching it all unravel with the usual grin on his face.

"Ladies and gentlemen, place your bets."

Confessional Car: Chef

"At least thirty percent of the fans put their money on Freddy, and I don't blame them."

Confessional Car: Abe

"My money is on the red-head. Freddy is always beaten by a chick."

Harold landed flat on his rear-end, but the worst part was that he was alone.

"Oh boy… he's separated us… now he's going to pick us off one by one."

Harold had no idea where he was. He couldn't still be in the house, actually the room he was in looked like the interior of a ruined Star Destroyer.

"This was never in any of the Nightmare movies… Wait what's that?"

Outside the windows, Harold saw huge yellow letters flying through space.

Total Drama American Tour

Episode XI

Nightmare on the G-1000

You are really, really, really, really, really

really, really, really FUCKED!

At that moment Harold heard the hiss-snap of a lightsaber activating. He turned around and saw that the blades on Freddy's glove had been replaced with lightsabers.

"You know what I love about sci-fi movies? In the vacuum of space no one can hear you scream…"

"AHHH!"

Just then Harold noticed there was another lightsaber on the floor.

"Oh yeah?"

Harold picked up the lightsaber and ignited it.

"I warn you chicken face, my skills with a lightsaber are keen and deadly!" he said with a new sense of confidence flowing through him.

"Chicken face?"

Harold began twirling his lightsaber around like it was the most natural thing in the world. He did this for about twenty seconds before striking a pose that he thought was awesome.

"He's so scared he can't even move."

Freddy started laughing.

"I don't know if it's my speed or the blades themselves, but most some people don't even feel them go in…"

Harold looked down and saw that the lightsabers attached to Freddy's glove were sticking out of his chest.

"Oh… crap…" he said before keeling over.

Freddy wins!

Flawless Victory!

Fatality!

When Cody landed he found himself in a room where the walls were lined with doors.

"He wants me to go through one of them… Nothing is gonna make me move from this spot."

As soon as Cody finished his sentence the floor spontaneously caught on fire.

"I could almost feel that coming."

Cody ran through the nearest door and came into a long dark hallway. The only source of light was the eerily burning torches on the wall.

"I don't like the look of this."

"I know what you're thinking… and I totally agree."

Cody turned around and saw that he was so close to Freddy he could have spit on him.

"This place could really use a woman's touch."

Cody immediately took off down the hallway.

"Ooh… Cat and mouse, my favorite."

As Cody ran down the hall he kept repeating the rules of running in a horror movie over in his head.

"Just remember… keep moving, don't scream, don't fall down, and don't look back!"

It wasn't long before the hallway began to twist and turn. Cody ran around corners, up flights of stairs and down them, but the hall just stretched on. It wasn't long before he came to a flight of stairs and actually fell down.

"Dammit!"

Cody expected to feel Freddy's blades ripping through his body any second now, but for some reason it didn't happen. He got up and saw that Freddy wasn't even at the top of the stairs. He saw that the floor behind him had started glowing, but he didn't have time to think about it because he could hear Freddy coming.

"Ready or not, here I come!"

Confessional Car: Cody

"So I'm running down this ridiculously long tunnel, and for some reason Freddy doesn't even seem to be trying to catch me. I knew he was up to something, but I didn't really have a lot of options."

Cody continued to run down the hallway until he felt like his lungs were going to give out.

"Seriously… kill me already."

Freddy's arm came shooting out of the wall and tried to grab him.

"That was a figure of speech!"

"I'm so sorry, I wasn't paying attention. To make it up to you I'll make your death quick and painless."

Cody caught his second wind and raced further down the hall, until finally he came to a dead end.

"I really should have seen this coming…"

Cody wondered why his alarm hadn't gone off yet, when suddenly the floor collapsed beneath his feet and he found himself back in the house.

"Uh… what the hell?"

"HELP! SOMEBODY HELP!"

"Gwen?"

"Cody? Is that you? Oh thank god!"

Much to Cody's surprise Gwen ran over and actually gave him a hug.

"That striped lunatic almost had me!"

"Uh… he almost had me too." replied Cody.

"I shouted and shouted but nobody came… Ever since Duncan got booted I don't know who I can count on anymore."

"Well… you can always count on me."

"I'm glad to hear that… You know… I've never noticed before how sweet you can be…"

"Really?"

Cody couldn't believe in his wildest dreams what happened next, she actually kissed him hard on the lips.

"Do you like that?" she asked with a big smile on her face.

"Wow… that was amazing…"

"Well… TOO FUCKING BAD!"

To Cody's horror Gwen transformed into Freddy.

Confessional Car: Chris

"I can't believe he fell for the old wolf in sheep's clothing trick! That wouldn't have fooled a five year old."

"Why do you even bother diaper boy? You'll never be the alpha male…"

"FUUUUCK YOU!"

"No matter how hard you try you'll never be the big winner and you'll never ever get the girl."

"Shows what you know, you're looking at the King of the Canyon!"

Taking advantage of being in a dream, Cody summoned up his armor from TDH.

"Ooh… impressive… but does the big bad king have any bite to go with his bark?"

Next Cody conjured a shotgun.

"Bite this!"

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Cody didn't stop shooting until his clip had run out, but despite the big hole in his chest Freddy stood strong.

"Is that all you've got?"

When Cody didn't answer Freddy stuck his finger up his nose.

"Here, have a taste of the world's smallest grenade."

Freddy flicked his fingers and Cody was blown into the wall by an explosion. Freddy walked over and was surprised to see that Cody's bloody pulp was still breathing.

"I can do this… all… day." he said.

"I'm sure you can, unfortunately for you I'm on a time table."

In the blink of an eye Freddy reached out with his gloved hand and tore Cody's heart from his chest.

Freddy wins!

Fatality!

"Oh… my… god…"

Sarah was in a massive dark room standing on a walkway suspended in midair over a huge body of water. She had no idea how deep it was.

"My god… my god…"

"God isn't here… I'll take the message."

Sarah couldn't tell where Freddy's voice had come from, but something told her that she didn't want to stay where she was. Not wanting to fall into the water, she crawled slowly along the walkway like a baby. Suddenly she heard sounds of something moving down below in the water.

"Even with all the wonders of modern technology… there are some places in the sea that no man has ever explored… Who knows what kind of monstrous things may be lurking in the deep places of the world?"

A huge tentacle emerged from the water and grabbed the walkway, sending a huge portion of it crashing into the water below. Sarah barely got out of the way in time to avoid it all.

"I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home!"

Suddenly Freddy was right on top of her.

"And people in ice water want hell, but that doesn't mean they're going to get it… or is it the other way around?"

"FUCKER!"

Sarah rose to her feet and started pounding away at Freddy. Her blows would have fractured or broken the bones of a normal person, but Freddy just laughed at her.

"I like 'em fiery."

Obviously Sarah didn't watch enough horror movies, otherwise she would have known what happened when you kept punching or kicking the killer seemingly in vain. Eventually she collapsed onto the walkway.

"Aww… not enough endurance in ya… I'm afraid you're not gonna make the cut…"

Freddy slashed her across the chest and sent her plummeting into the water below. With whatever was left of her strength Sarah struggled to stay afloat.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME!"

"Scream all you like… no one can hear you but me and the sharks."

"Sharks?"

Unseen by Sarah, Freddy dove into the water and transformed into a shark.

"Did you know… more people are killed by beestings each year than by shark attacks? A lot of people actually fight to save sharks because apparently they're an important part of the ocean's ecosystems. Sometimes it sucks to be on the top of the food chain… but not now."

Sarah wasn't listening; she was too busy trying to keep herself from drowning. She never saw Freddy coming before it was too late.

"Give my regards to Davy Jones, bitch."

Freddy leapt out of the water and bit Sarah in half.

Freddy wins!

Fatality!

"Not good… not good at all…"

John was inside Freddy's boiler room. The maze of pipes and furnaces was barely visible through the thick fog that filled the room. John could feel the heat zapping at his body, sweat was forming inside his helmet, and yet he could feel a deep chill creeping down his back.

"Think of your fans… think of Angela… think of Courtney."

Mustering his courage, John got up and drew his swords.

"Krueger! Krueger!"

As he crept through the fog John kept his senses open for any sign of movement. Suddenly he heard an unfriendly noise that he never expected to hear in a place like this.

"Gollum… gollum… gollum… Wicked master!"

"What the… Jimmy?"

The creature before John looked like a fusion of his late fan Jimmy and Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

"Wicked master lies to us, he says that death isn't the end, he says there's more. Wicked… tricksey… false! Curse him and crush him! Kill him! Bone him! Chop him! Kill! Kill! Kill!"

If he didn't already know that none of this was real John would have hesitated. But he knew that Jimmy was already dead, he and Courtney watched him die and were there at his funeral. This was all just a really sick game that Chris was playing with him. When the creature was close enough John decapitated it with one swift stroke.

"Krueger! Come out!"

The sweat was really beginning to build up inside John's suit. He had already had to wipe his visor twice because of how fogged up it had become.

"Do you really think you got those scars for a reason John?"

"Dad?"

The fog turned into an apparition of John's late father.

"Do you think that all your hardships have been part of God's plan to make you a better person? Do you think you were meant to have cancer so you could survive and inspire other people? Do you think Courtney tried to seduce you in the Caribbean because she loves you?"

"SHUT UP!"

"Do you think the two of you survived last Halloween so you could have a life together?"

"SHUT UP!"

John never saw how mangled his father looked after the car accident that killed him, but he had a feeling that this apparition was doing a pretty good imitation.

"Let me tell you something Johnny boy… SHIT HAPPENS!"

George couldn't see what was going on, so Abe was giving him a play by play.

"As someone famous once said…" he said turning to Chris and Chef "You're despicable."

John could see that calling Freddy a coward wasn't getting him anywhere.

"Okay… time for a new strategy… Nightmares happen because the dreamer either has no control or thinks they have no control… This fog is just a product of my subconscious… So if I stop believing in it… it'll dissappear."

It took a little effort, but John managed to make the fog vanish. There stood Freddy in the middle of the room.

"Very impressive, NOT!"

"You might as well give up Krueger, mine are bigger."

"What's bigger, your snakes?"

John's eyes had only left his swords for a moment, and they had turned into two huge snakes.

"Dammit!"

"Tell me something Johnny boy… what's it like to slowly fall apart and die? I wouldn't know, I was burned alive by a mob of angry parents."

"I wouldn't know either… I've never died."

"Then I guess we'll just have to fix that…"

Just then John felt like something was exploding on his face. It was like someone had planted something there and it was sucking the life out of him.

"Oh no… don't tell me…"

John pulled off his helmet and felt his scar. Much to his horror there was a huge bump that was quickly getting bigger and bigger.

"You know the real bitch about cancer is the time it takes." laughed Freddy "If the disease doesn't kill you the countdown will. And if that doesn't do the trick your hospital bills should. But then again why worry about hospital bills if you're going to die anyway?"

John felt another tumor growing on his chest. He crumbled to the ground in pain.

"It must suck having an incurable disease, knowing that not even the entire cast of ER could put you back together again… What's that one show on Fox nowadays?"

"Is this it…" groaned John "Is this all you can conjure Freddy?"

"What was that?"

"Cancer that eats away at you ten times faster than it does in real life? Letting a disease do your dirty work? This isn't a very epic kill for the Master of Dreams."

"Hmm… You have a point."

Freddy snapped his fingers and the tumors immediately feel off John.

"Five minutes old school."

"I don't think you'll last five minutes." replied John putting his helmet back on.

"We'll see about that."

Confessional Car: John

"In dreams you can do things that you can't do in real life, so I figured I should take advantage of this very rare opportunity."

Unsurprisingly Freddy was making the first move. As he charged down the warpath slashing about with his glove, John cupped his hands together.

"Ka… me… ha… me… HA!"

BLAM!

John fired a massive Kamehameha wave that blew Freddy in half.

"I've always wanted to do that."

"Too bad it's all for naught…"

Freddy regenerated his body in the blink of an eye.

"You're in my world boy, you're playing by my rules, and you can't win."

"I know… I'm just stalling."

John still had a couple minutes to kill before his alarm would go off. Fighting Freddy Krueger unarmed obviously wasn't a good game plan. He tried thinking of a cool way he could even the odds.

"What's this? Has the big bad White Dragon rushed into battle half-assed?"

"Hmm… that's just crazy enough to work."

"I don't see how having half an ass will save you." laughed Freddy.

"It wouldn't, but maybe I can show you just how much like a dragon I can be!"

Utilizing his willpower, John transformed into a dragon before Freddy's eyes. He shot a stream of fire into the air just to show off.

"Looks like I'm having leftovers for dinner."

Back in the real world it took Chris and the others a minute to get the joke.

Confessional Car: Chef

"HA! Leftovers!"

"Whoopdee-fucking-doo." growled Freddy "I can blow smoke too."

Freddy transformed into a dragon too. Only his claws were longer and were like the blades on his glove. His scales were burned all over, and his underbelly was the same colors as his sweater.

"Looks like we're ready for round three…"

John shot a stream of fire at Freddy, but he just plowed right through it and slashed him across the face.

"AAHHH!"

Freddy took advantage of John's disposition and bit him in the neck. Unfortunately Freddy had left himself wide open for a powerful kick to the chest.

"I would say that is gonna hurt tomorrow…" said John "But I don't think you'll last that long."

"If anyone isn't going to live to see tomorrow… IT'S YOU!"

Freddy charged over, but John dodged him and tore into a scarred spot on Freddy's leg with his claws.

"AHH!"

John began smacking Freddy across the face with his tail.

"Alright… that's it… no more mister nice guy!"

Freddy's tail stretched out like a rubber band and wrapped itself all around John like a snake, Freddy then charged over and stabbed John in the chest.

"AHHH!"

"Say hello to your father, in hell!"

"No… to hell with you!"

John tore out from under Freddy's tail and grabbed him, as the alarm went off he planned out his next move in his head.

"What Freddy does to you in his dream world happens to you in the real world as well. My injuries put me at a small disadvantage, but he will have lost his big advantage. My first priority will be to put some distance between us. In his anger he'll attack without thinking… dodge… swiftly dismember… add insult to injury… decapitate… hoist your trophy high… add all that up… and I am one awesome king of the world."

John had overheard Heather's conversation with Gwen earlier, so as a precaution he had gone to sleep behind a locked door. He awoke with Freddy right there on top of him. He kicked him off and sent him into the wall.

"Oh… now you're gonna get it. I'm gonna cut you into fifty pieces and mail you to every state."

Freddy greatly underestimated John's ability to function with his injuries. When he charged over John dodged his attacks and swiftly dismembered him. First he chopped off both of Freddy's arms, and then he chopped him in half at the waist.

"Welcome to my nightmare… asshole."

With one final strike John chopped Freddy's head off and hoisted it into the air.

John wins!

Fatality!

Game over!

John was the first to emerge from his pod, followed quickly by the campers whom Freddy hadn't killed.

"Dude, that was so awesome!" said Chris "And… no hard feelings about the… nightmares?"

Chris was a real asshole, but he was also the host of the show, and John knew it would serve him better to continue being on good terms with him.

"None whatsoever."

"I did it!" exclaimed Sierra emerging from her pod "Victory is mine!"

"What do you mean victory?" asked Gwen.

"Yeah, John's the one that killed Freddy." said Owen "So he's the one that wins invincibility."

"True, but I'm getting something a lot better than invincibility. Cody spelled his name backwards twice!"

Everyone looked at Cody; if he had spelled his name backwards then he didn't know it.

"No I didn't…"

"Oh yes you did…" said Sierra with a big smile on her face "Cassandra, can you replay the challenge for us?"

"Certainly, just a second… Beginning playback."

The video started with the campers arriving on the virtual train.

"That's much too early, fast-forward."

"Complying…"

All the campers laughed when they saw Harold's encounter with Freddy.

"Oh, like you could have done it any better."

Finally they came to the part where Freddy chased Cody to the dead end.

"Stop!"

"So Freddy chased him to a dead end, so what?" asked Gwen.

"Take a look at the screen, notice anything?"

"Yeah, since when does he wear that vest?"

"Lindsay, he's been wearing that vest all season."

"Oh…"

"I was talking about the floor; some parts of it started glowing after Cody had stepped on it."

"And your point is?"

"Cassandra, can you show us the hall from above and without the roof?"

"Just a sec…"

Cassandra shifted the POV so it showed the whole hall from above.

"Oh… shit on a stick…"

The entire floor wasn't glowing, but when looked at from above the glowing portions took the shape of letters.

NOSREDNA NOSEMAJ TTEMME YDOC NOSREDNA NOSEMAJ TTEMME YDOC

Cody's face turned pink.

"I spelled my own name… backwards…"

"Twice." said Sierra looking like she just won the lottery.

"I don't remember that being in the game's programming." said Chef.

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that someone must've added their own little expansion pack to the program."

"But that's cheating!" said John.

"Cheating? It didn't hurt your game at all. And the rules were that I had to get Cody to say, spell, or otherwise reveal his name backwards twice in a row. That is all I was told to do, and that is all I have done. Chris?"

"Sorry Cody, looks like it's time to pay the piper. So what will it be, combination or death?"

"Don't you mean elimination?"

"Right, what did I say?"

"Well? What's it going to be Cody?"

Before Cody answered, he went over to John and whispered something to him. John nodded his head in agreement.

Confessional Car: Cody

"I know I'm going to regret this… The things I do for a million dollars."

"Don't worry, you're gonna be fine." said John.

"The combination is… seven… seven… four… six… three…"

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"So, if Sierra tried entering the combination by herself, starting at 00000… and… I can't do math, I have no idea."

"Seven, seven, four, six, three? What the heck is that?" asked Sierra.

"Does it matter?"

"No, I guess not. So… do you think we can both squeeze into one economy capsule?"

"I'm afraid Cody is bunking with me tonight." said John.

"What? You can't do that!"

"Actually I can. Chris said I can pick one friend to share first class with tonight."

"Okay that settles it." said Chris "Cody has given up the combination, so he gets to stay in the game. And John has chosen him to bunk with him. The elimination ceremony is at dusk."

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Fine… I've been waiting for this day since the night I first watched Total Drama, I guess I can wait a little longer."

Confessional Car: Heather

"Since John has invincibility, there's no choice but the non-existent girl."

Confessional Car: Cody

"If John's plan doesn't work, then tonight will only be a temporary relief."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I owe Cody one for bailing me out in season three… actually now that you think about it I owe him two, since he saved Duncan last Halloween."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Okay, I'm the one who added Sierra's tunnel into the program, but only because she knows more about the other campers than anyone and I need her on my side. Cody shouldn't have made that bet in the first place, what happens next is his problem. I vote for Heather."

It was the first time Abe was present at an elimination ceremony, and he was on pins and needles as much as everyone else.

"How do you use the toilet with that big tail?" asked Owen.

"It's really hard."

"Campers, all in all I think this was a pretty awesome way to start the merge." said Chris "My sister broke out of prison, we finally met Abe, and Sierra got Cody to spell his name backwards."

"Just so you know… I'll be waiting." she said looking intently at Cody.

Confessional Car: Cody

"Don't hold your breath."

(Crosses fingers)

"Please let this work…"

"You've all cast your votes and made your decision. So far you've all made it to the halfway point, but tonight one of you will be going home, and you can't come back… ever."

Confessional Car: George

"Why does he keep saying that?"

"Okay, first eagle goes to… John… Lindsay… Owen… Harold… Gwen… Izzy… Cody… and… Sarah."

That left only Sierra and Heather.

"Ladies… this is the final eagle of the evening…"

Confessional Car: Sierra

"Please… please let it be Heather!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"I did not suffer this much just to lose to Fanzilla, and I'm certainly not going before people who don't exist."

As the dramatic background music played, the only person in the caboose who didn't seem tense was Abe.

"Hurry up, raptors need to sleep too."

"The eagle goes to… Heather."

"What? No way!"

"Sierra, we can do this the easy way or…"

Chef took out one of his blow darts.

"There's always that other way."

Sierra broke down crying.

"I'll wait for you Cody! I'll wait until the end of time!"

When the Hand Cart of Losers was safely out of sight Cody breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

Confessional Car: Sarah

"This is bad…"

Cody was in a very good mood when he went back to the first class car with John.

"I owe you one."

"Anything for a friend, but what happens when the season is over?"

"I believe the terms where that I had to give Sierra the combination to the five digit lock I use on my belt, not this eight digit one."

Confessional Car: John

"So he had a backup plan after all… Though he probably didn't take into account how Sierra would react to that."

Confessional Car: Cody

"Trick me into spelling my full name backwards twice in a row… Next time it's going to be go jump off a cliff or something."

"Out of curiosity, what did the combination for that lock mean?"

Cody made sure there were no cameras on.

"You know how you enter letters on a phone?" he whispered.

"Yes…"

"Put those numbers in order and you spell Prime."

"As in… Optimus Prime?"

"Yes."

"And you put that on the lock for your chastity belt?"

"What? He's my favorite Autobot, and it had to be something Sierra wouldn't easily think of."

Confessional Car: John

"Cody's my friend; I know he's not gay. But that's still weird."

After a few hours of enjoying the Nightmare movie marathon and discussing plans for the rest of the season with Cody, John went to his usual roomette to retire. But when he went inside he saw that there was disk with his name on it lying on the bed.

"Hmm… another video from Courtney? Is she dancing in a slave Leia outfit this time?"

But when John pressed the play button, the person that appeared on his screen wasn't Courtney.

"Shit!"

"Hello Johnny…" said Christina dressed in her Yin costume "I know you never call and you never write, but you'll be pleased to hear that I always keep track of my friends."

"Goddamit, what does this bitch want?"

"Chris thinks he can outdo me. You're going to help me make sure that doesn't happen."

"Fuck you!"

"And just to make sure we understand each other… I do believe you've got something locked up tight back at home. Something like this."

Christina held up a picture that made John's heart sink.

"I understand that you would like to keep this a secret, especially from some people in particular. If that's the case then it would be in your best interest if you didn't win the challenge tommorow… I'll be watching…"

"Oh god… oh god… oh god…"

Christina had only just broken out of prison, which meant someone had broken into John's house for her. She didn't say anything about his mother or Angela, then again neither of them had ever actually been competitors on Total Drama, and Christina didn't involve anyone who didn't have anything to do with Chris or his show. But the threat she had made was almost as bad as threatening someone he loved.

"What am I going to do?"

John tried to take a deep breath and consider the situation. He had no doubt that Christina would expose his secret even if he did throw the challenge. Then not only would his plans be ruined, but he would be setting a really bad example for all his fans. But there was a third option.

"There is no way this is going to work… it's too soon… but if she's going to find out from someone it has to be me…"

None of the options were good, but at this point it was simply a matter of John picking his poison. At least this particular poison had the highest survival rate.

"Cassandra, are you there?"

"At your service John."

"I need to make a phone call."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, campers aren't permitted to make contact with the outside world during the game, unless they win a challenge where the reward that entitles them to do so."

John took a minute to explain the situation.

"Well… since you put it that way… I guess I could turn a blind eye just this once, you are Chris' favorite after all."

"Speaking of Chris, when he wakes up tell him that some of the interns might be on his sister's payroll."

"I shall."

As Cassandra tapped into the train's communication system John was saying every prayer he could think of.

"Lord, give me guidance…"

When the campers woke up in the morning the train was still moving. Until Christina was caught the G-1000 would be taking longer routes to their destinations.

"You look happy." said Gwen as Cody walked into the dining car.

"You would be too if you were a guy who came this close to being raped by a girl."

"Touché."

"And if you think I'm happy wait till you see John. I don't know why, but for some reason he looks like a kid who just got everything he wanted for Christmas."

At that moment there was a bright white flash across the car's windows.

"What was that?"

"Well… judging by the bright lights…" said Sarah "I'd say it's either the Fourth of July or someone's trying to kill us!"

"Everybody calm down." said Cassandra appearing on the monitors "If we were under attack you'd be hearing alarms louder than an earthquake."

"Then would you mind telling us what that flash was?"

"That was just some venting, nothing to worry about."

"Venting?"

"The plasma drive is just running a little hot; the train's been in motion longer than we had originally scheduled."

"But… didn't you say the plasma drive overheating would be a bad thing."

"It's just a little hot; I will let you know if it's approaching the danger zone."

The G-1000 reached its destination around 2:30.

"Campers, welcome to the state of Louisiana! Famous for alligators, street musicians, sugar cane, jambalaya, gumbo, po'boy sandwiches, pralines, beignets, but above all… the Louisiana Hot Sauce! For that reason today's challenge is called Bite and Burn!"

"Why don't I like the sound of that?"

"Don't worry, this is an easy one. As you know, Louisiana Hot Sauce is made from red chili peppers. Chef…"

Chef came out with several huge barrels full of chili peppers.

"Put simply, the camper who can eat the most peppers without wussing out and going for the milk wins invincibility and all the ice cream they can eat."

Confessional Car: John

"If that's Chris' idea of easy, I'd hate to see his idea of hard… But nothing can bother me today."

Confessional Car: Izzy

"They're all going down!"

Lindsay was the first camper to lose it. She only took a couple bites before she begged for a glass of milk.

"Feeling the burn Heather?" asked Sarah.

"I'm sorry, did someone just say something?"

Confessional Car: Sarah

"The others told me that Heather always lasts longer than anyone expects here to, but this is ridiculous!"

Confessional Car: Heather

"After everything I've been through, the others should know by now that I play to win."

Gwen knew how important the challenge was, but she could only stomach seven peppers before she couldn't stand it anymore. She was followed quickly by Sarah and Cody; meanwhile the others were beginning to turn red.

Confessional Car: Chef

"What a bunch of babies. I won a chili pepper eating contest when I was ten… But I did look like a big tomato for a while."

Izzy seemed to be enjoying herself a lot. Owen tried to keep up, but after seventeen peppers he said he felt like there was a chainsaw tearing up his insides.

Confessional Car: Owen

"Izzy is so awesome; I don't know why I ever wanted to break up with her. If we could just win this season…"

After consuming twenty three peppers Heather finally gave in. That left only John, Izzy, and Harold.

"Come on… you know they want to get rid of you… I am not… going… down!"

But John was only able to stomach ten more peppers before he just couldn't stand it anymore.

Confessional Car: John

(Weakly)

"I gave it my all… but I just couldn't take it… I felt like a baby Godzilla crawled inside me and used its atomic breath."

Izzy and Harold began climbing into the forties.

"This is insane!" said Gwen.

"Who cares? Dragon boy blew it, and that's all that matters."

Izzy and Harold were both on their fiftieth pepper.

"Come on Harold… use the force…"

They both put their peppers in their mouth and began to chew, but then Izzy just stopped.

"Izzy… you okay… Izzy?"

"BLEEEAAH!"

"Eww!"

Chef noticed that Harold wasn't chewing either. He stepped over Izzy's vomit and opened his mouth.

"He ate it! Chris, we have a winner!" he said raising Harold's hand.

Confessional Car: Harold

(Barely audible)

"Booyah…"

"Looks like Harold gets to enjoy some well-deserved ice cream and invincibility tonight. The rest of you… what can I say? Think about who you want to vote off."

Confessional Car: John

"This is not good… I just hope my friends can bail me out… I vote for Heather."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"I'm sorry John, it's nothing personal, but you're just too big a threat."

Confessional Car: Cody

"Wow… this could be the single most important decision I make this season."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"I still can't believe how amazing Tyler looked… in the nude… Oh! I vote for Sarah, because she's scarier than Gwen, Heather, and John all mixed together."

That night the mood in the caboose was very tense. John kept his helmet on because he didn't want any of the others to see him sweat. Heather seemed really confident and gave him an evil look. Owen seriously doubted that he was the target of anyone's vote, and he was still shaking. No one even noticed that Harold was wearing a badge that read, "Join the force."

"Okay, here's the deal. We ran out of eagles, so tonight I'm just going to read the votes to you."

Chris left his podium and came back with the Ballot Box of Death.

"The campers who receives the most votes is out of the game, will need to hitch a ride on the Hand Cart of Losers, and will have to get the heck out of here."

As Chris opened the box you could have cut the tension with a knife.

"First vote… John."

Heather gave him the kill sign.

"Second vote… Sarah."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"I really wish they hadn't booted Sierra."

"Heather… That's one vote John, one vote Sarah, and one vote Heather."

Confessional Car: Heather

"What is wrong with these people? Scarface is clearly the biggest threat, this should have been unanimous!"

"Sarah… Heather… John… John… Sarah…"

As Chris reached for the final ballot the music got really dramatic.

"Three votes John, three votes Sarah, two votes Heather… and the next camper… to be eliminated… will be…"

"And the next camper… to be eliminated… will be…"

Chris looked at the ballot and laughed. It read, "Heather the hoe-bag!"

"Well it looks like we have a three way tie."

"So… what do we do?" asked Sarah.

"Well, we may be experiencing budget cuts, but I'm not about to eliminate three campers at once, so we'll settle this with a tie breaker."

Chef pulled up three more podiums for John, Sarah, and Heather to stand behind.

"This tie breaker will be a simple trivia game. Whoever answers the least questions correctly will get the boot. George, take it away."

George walked up to Chris' podium with some flashcards on which the questions written in braille.

"Okay kiddies, first question… What is President Lincoln's birthday?"

"What?"

EEEHHHH!

"Sorry, 'what' is incorrect." said George.

"That wasn't an answer!" said Heather.

EEEHHHH!

"Stop that!"

EEEHHHH!

"John and Sarah, can either of you guess the answer?"

"Uh… I have no idea." said John.

EEEHHHH!

"I… think it was in February?" said Sarah.

EEEHHHH!

"Sorry, but you need to give a specific date. Next question… In what year did California become a state?"

Confessional Car: John

"I knew I should have paid more attention in American history…"

"Who sculpted the Statue of Liberty?"

"Umm… Some guy?" said Heather.

EEEHHHH!

"Come on… I know I heard this somewhere…"

EEEHHHH!

"Time's up!"

"What? There's a time limit?" asked John.

"Sure, otherwise we'll be here all night. Next question… Which of the U.S. presidents had the shortest term in office?"

"Uh… Benjamin Franklin?" said Heather.

EEEHHHH!

Confessional Car: Sarah

"Ben Franklin was never president! Why do people always get that wrong?"

"William Henry Harrison, died in a month!" said John.

"That's correct, one point for John."

"This isn't fair, they're both Americans!" said Heather.

"Tough luck." said Abe.

Confessional Car: Heather

"I've said it before and I'll say it yet again, this game is fixed…"

"Who sculpted Mount Rushmore?"

"Uh… Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt." said Sarah.

EEEHHHH!

"Who sculpted it, not whose faces are carved into it. Next question… Who was the twenty fifth president of the United States?"

"Uncle Sam?" said Heather.

EEEHHHH!

"Do you count Grover Cleveland twice?" asked Sarah.

"Yes."

"Then the answer is William McKinley."

"That is correct, one point for Sarah."

The questions all had something to do with America. They covered topics from historical figures to the symbolism of the number of steps on the unfinished pyramid on the one dollar bill.

"Okay, I think that's enough." said Chris "And the final score is John with thirteen, Sarah with ten, and Heather with zippidy-doo-da-day."

"If fairness were a country on the planet, you would be millions of light years away!"

"It's not my fault you didn't brush up on American history before TDAT." said Chris "Now are you going to go quietly, or are we going to have to give you the blow dart?"

Heather angrily stomped over to the hand cart.

"Now what was it you said to me on day one?" asked Sarah "Oh right… Scooby-dooby-doo bitch!"

"You don't exist!" said Heather.

"And yet I still beat you."

"Go fuck yourself!"

Confessional Car: Izzy

"Sounds like someone needs to get laid… again."

Confessional Car: John

"I didn't bow to Christina's demands, I told Courtney my secret, and I still lost the challenge... I came this close to getting booted... Well America doesn't go down without a fight!"

The campers' next destination was taking them across several states, some of which wouldn't be used for their challenges, the show did only start with twenty competitors after all, and now they were down to less than half that. Because of this, watching the scenery go by outside the windows was becoming a favorite activity.

"Chris was right about one thing Pearly..." said Sarah "The only way to see America is by train."

"Meow..."

Abe entered the room and Pearl hissed.

"Is that supposed to scare me?"

"Back off Godzilla, or I'll turn you into cellphone skins!"

"Calm down lady, I don't eat cats, too much fur..."

"Abe, we've been wondering... Where did you come from?" asked Cody.

"Hmm... how do I put this? When a mommy raptor and a daddy raptor love each other very much..."

"Not that! Where did you come from?" asked Gwen.

"I'm not an illegal immigrant if that's what you're asking." he laughed.

Confessional Car: Harold

"I'm pretty sure Velociraptors didn't live in America."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"My guess is George either stumbled across a genie in a lamp, or he rescued a fairy in distress and in gratitude she granted him one wish."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"Tyler's body was so incredible! Maybe he should pose with me the next time I do an ad in body paint... Oh! What were we talking about?"

"Campers, welcome to Utah!"

"Oh god... Does our challenge involve loose marriage laws?" asked Sarah.

"No, I've got something a lot more fun for you to do."

Confessional Car: Cody

"Chris does not understand the meaning of the word fun."

Chris led the campers to an open field that was filled with artificial hives.

"Wait a minute... this is a bee farm!" said Owen.

"I won't even ask..." said Gwen.

"Today's challenge is two-fold. Utah is known as the beehive state, so for the first half of the challenge you will be emptying beehives of their honey. Each beehive you empty will earn you a small advantage for the second part of the challenge."

"Are you kidding me?" asked Cody.

"Do I look like I'm kidding?"

"I'm allergic to bug bites!"

"Bees don't bite, they sting."

"It doesn't matter."

"Well... sucks to be you."

Confessional Car: John

"I'm pretty sure this isn't why Utah is called the beehive state."

Confessional Car: Gwen

"Okay, forcing Heather to go up against the only two Americans on this show in a contest of American trivia is one thing, but even I think this is unfair for Cody."

Unsurprisingly Chris didn't provide the campers with any protective gear or smokers to work with.

"You have thirty minutes to clear as many beehives as you can, starting... NOW!"

It wasn't long before the campers were covered with beestings, but Izzy was the only camper who didn't even seem to acknowledge them. John's costume protected him from the worst of it, but Izzy was moving a lot faster than him.

Confessional Car: John

"And some people thought dressing up like this was immature."

"TIME'S UP!"

All the campers were covered with beestings save for Cody and Lindsay who both refused to go through with the challenge.

Confessional Car: Owen

"I haven't had this many stings since season one..."

Confessional Car: Gwen

(Rubbing ointment on herself)

"Oww... One million dollars... one million dollars..."

Confessional Car: Sarah

"When this season is over... ow… I'm gonna kill him..."

Confessional Car: Lindsay

"It will take a lot more than a million dollars for someone to get me to ruin my complexion like that."

"And the final score is... Izzy: 50, John: 25, Owen: 20, Gwen: 19, Sarah: 15, Harold: 9, and Lindsay and Cody both have zip. Now if you'll follow me, it's time for the second part of the challenge."

Chris took the campers to a local auditorium.

"Ugh... I'm going to be sore for a month." said Harold pulling some stingers out of his arm.

"Trust me; the stings are going to be worth it, because now it's time for the spelling bee!"

Chris came out from behind the curtains dressed like Gandalf the Grey.

"Did he just say spelling bee?"

"Yes I did. The rules are simple, if you spell a word wrong you lose, the last one standing wins invincibility and gets to spend the night in first class with a friend."

"And... how does getting enveloped by bees help us here?"

"Because, for each hive you emptied you get one freebee."

Chef came out carrying boxes filled with honey jars.

"If you have any doubts about your ability to spell a certain word, you can use these to get out of spelling it for free. But you won't be allowed to use these during the final round when there are only two spellers left. Any questions?"

"Just one..." said John "Why are you dressed like that?"

"Because this spelling bee isn't going to be like anything you may remember from grade school... YOU... SHALL NOT... PASS!"

Confessional Car: Chris

"I've always wanted to say that."

Confessional Car: John